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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

My "What would you do with this lady?"... Revisited.

11 replies

LaDolcheRyvita · 17/08/2011 09:37

For anyone who can remember back to Feb this year, I had a dilemma regarding sd and her graduation. Briefly, dh's ex wife refused to attend her daughter's graduation IF DH ATTENDED! They divorced (she had an affair and refused to give up her boyfriend but wanted her dh to stay and keep their lifestyle going). That was ten years ago. I came along 4 years after their split. We are now married....dh and I, being ludicrously happy.

So, there being a "spare" ticket (you only get 2 allocated) and sd's mum refusing attendance, I was asked to go. I was delighted as I get on well with this lovely young woman and would be very pleased to be there. At that point, sd was still hopeful her mum would change her mind and said she would apply for any spare tickets. Again, her mum said "no" she simply won't go if SD's dad (now my DH) goes. So, extra ticket not applied for.

Now, two weeks before the event. All extra tickets gone, sd's mum has said she wants to go. It was assumed that I would give my ticket to her, as it were. Dh would go on his own, exW would go on her own and they'd spend the day separately. I agreed to this (as sd obviously wants her mum AND dad there, even if not speaking). However, dh has said this is not acceptable. He says his ExW has been manipulating this situation since Feb this year and that despite repeated requests, she has refused to go.

From my end of things..... I arranged for my ex to have our son for 2 days to cover the event. Bought a new frock and was really very excited about the occasion. Now, I don't want to go. I want sd and dh to have a lovely, special day. Take lots of photos and enjoy the occasion. My lovely dh is not happy with this.

As for his exW..... She has, in my opinion, surpassed herself in terms of manipulative childishness and I do not give a fig about her ridiculous behaviour. The woman devastated her (then) husband and family with a 3 year affair with a man who went back to his wife. Enough said, I think.

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brdgrl · 17/08/2011 10:01

hmmm, what would your SD like to do? I can see why your DH is taking the position he is. But even though it sucks, I think you are probably right to just give the ticket so that your SD wo't have to live with 'my mum wasn't at my graduation' forever.

It might also be worth ringing up the school and just asking if they know of any last-minute spares, as your SD's mother is unexpectedly able to attend. Perhaps someone will do a merciful thing and slip you an extra.

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Mandyville · 17/08/2011 10:08

I just attended my second graduation and found that some people had graduation sagas continuing some 10 years after their first (u'grad) graduation. How is this all going to pan out if the daughter ever marries?! I think you're right and your DH needs to do whatever makes his daughter's life easy, tbh. Still... My graduation had a 'family marquee' to allow the overflow to watch on the big screen. Does her uni have anything similar? You can find out on their website, I should think. Your DH and his ex can have the tickets, you get to wear the frock, watch from the marquee and go out for a nice meal - job's a goodun'!

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 17/08/2011 11:02

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steamedtreaclesponge · 17/08/2011 11:14

I think the key thing here is what your SD wants to do - it's her graduation, after all. I was lucky enough to be able to get hold of enough extra tickets to fit all of my family in, but if it came down to it I would rather have had my mum there than my step-mother, even though I get on with her very well.

Could you perhaps reach a compromise? Could you go up with your DH anyway, miss the ceremony but join in for all the build-up and take her for lunch/dinner before/afterwards, etc? Once you get there you may find that there are a couple of last-minute no-shows for the graduation, which would enable you to attend the ceremony anyway.

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LaDolcheRyvita · 17/08/2011 14:02

Ladies, thanks so much. Have decided to stick to my first idea and just let dh go. If my ticket is used by his ex, all well and good.

MJ..... Sorry don't agree. Dh's and my behaviour in all of this has been entirely reasonable. The two original tickets were (obviously) meant for sd's mum and dad. Until, her mum said she wouldn't go IF dad went. That was how I came to be in the mix. The woman was NEVER going to get what she wanted...... Just her going and not sd's dad. He wouldn't miss his girls' graduation, for anything. And quite so. But then, he has behaved impeccably throughout.

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 18/08/2011 07:56

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LaDolcheRyvita · 18/08/2011 08:35

You have something there MJ. Thing is, this lady, I think, can't face what she did. Whilst there are two sides to every story, I do know that dh was a good husband, father and provided a very comfortable lifestyle for his family. I know this because he is a decent man, has a very close relationship with his kids, didn't rush into a relationship with me, we married after 4 years of a long distance relationship and he is now a wonderful husband and loving step dad to my 10 yr old disabled son.

Personally, I think she can't face seeing him because it will bring it home to her, just how much she and the whole family lost, because ofmher behaviour.

And, her own daughter is still suffering because of it.

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LaDolcheRyvita · 18/08/2011 08:38

I have told DSD that a ticket is now available for her mum. If, mum chooses not to, then it's foot her own (self-centred) reasons.

I hope, for DSD's sake that her mum can get herself together, behave like a responsible adult and enjoy her daughter's special day.

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LaDolcheRyvita · 18/08/2011 08:39

This bloody iPad drives me potty....just types what it wants! Sorry about constant typos!

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Smum99 · 21/08/2011 16:47

Result! I remember this thread, I did think she would back down in the end but the principle has been established and I hope she never tries this trick again.

Well done on your DSD, she made the right decision, although under major emotional blackmail. I guess your DH is angry on your behalf and no doubt not looking forward to the event and meeting the ex however it's a big step and one that had to be dealt with.

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LaDolcheRyvita · 21/08/2011 17:32

Hmmm.... It's all a bit of a mess actually.

DSD offered mum the ticket. She apparently (now) can't commit herself. So, my DH, in front of DSD said that if she doesn't, then I can go (again). I said, and not in an unkind way, that I'd actually made my decision that the ticket was for her mum. Actually, I didn't feel right that I'd become the default attendee. Remember, this has been rattling on since Feb, this year. I've been not invited ( due to 2 ticket allocation per graduate), invited because her mum refused to go. Uninvited because mum'd changed her mind and there was no spare ticket. Now, she's not sure she can "face it" so I'm wanted again. Enough!

I was SO looking forward to it.

Now, I've made arrangements to keep my son with me cause he finds it hard leaving home and it would have meant him spending an extra day with his dad. Then, on the actual graduation day, I'm meeting a friend to do some shopping and have dinner.

This will not happen to me again. If I'm invited to future occasions, I will accept and that will be it.