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holiday guilt

9 replies

2blessed2bstressed · 26/07/2011 15:20

dp, my dcs and I are going abroad for a weeks holiday soon. dps 2 dcs are not coming - they don't know we're going yet, and neither does his ex. I have struggled a bit to pay for this, but we haven't been away (my dcs and I, that is) for a couple of years, and we could really do with a break. dp is basically coming with us on a holiday that we were going on anyway. He has contributed about 30% of the cost, as that's all he could afford, but I feel that's fair enough.
His dcs have been for a fortnights holiday in the sun every year for as long as we can remember (with their mum and her family - up until very recently she had said she would never allow dp to take them on holiday anyway) - they're not going this year as their mum and her new partner are saving up to get married next spring.
The time that we are going does not affect visits from dps children at all, it fits in round when he has them.
I know that his ex is going to go completely batshit when she finds out. Are we being really horrible?

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scurryfunge · 26/07/2011 15:22

Children don't count up holidays, they measure time, feeling secure and loved. I would not worry.

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Petal02 · 26/07/2011 15:34

Even if the ex does go ballstic when she finds out - who cares?????? Your children haven't been away for ages, yet hers go away quite regularly. You're not doing anything wrong. You and your children would be having a holiday even if you weren't with your DP.

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NotaDisneyMum · 26/07/2011 16:36

This is a no win situation - I feel for you

Is it feasible not to tell DSC/exW about the holiday in advance? I appreciate they'll probably find out while you are away, but your DH could say that he was invited to go with you and your DC's.

Have a good time - hopefully, by the time you get back, exW will have calmed down

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theredhen · 26/07/2011 16:58

I get this. It's OK for DSC to have 2 holidays in the summer with their Mum but when they find out that DS and I are going away, they get all huffy. And DP isn't even coming with us!

Don't you know that you're a step parent, so you have to sacrifice everything for your DSC even though they have a whole life somewhere else.

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brdgrl · 26/07/2011 21:02

I agree with petal02. I'd tell everyone in advance, but quite casually - don't allow yourself to feel guilty, sound guilty, or look guilty! You aren't doing anything wrong.

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2blessed2bstressed · 26/07/2011 23:25

Thank you all for the positive responses, I feel very much better about it now! I do know the sort of spin dps ex will put on it, but backed up by what you've all said I feel much more confident that no actually, we're not doing anything wrong, and its not unfair.

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ladydeedy · 27/07/2011 08:26

I think the other thing to remember is that for kids, often holidays dont "mean" the same to them. I'm always planning for, and paying for holidays (and we invariably take my DH's kids with us) and once, after coming home from one trip, the older one said, "I had a really great time but you know, dont feel you always have to take us along on holidays, as we dont "need" them the same way as you and dad do, as you work and need to relax. Whereas for us, we're always having fun anyway, whether we're just hanging out with mates or watching television at home - we dont need to lie by a pool reading a book and go out to dinner all the time..."
Kind of put things in perspective for me a bit! But yes, I agree with previous poster, dont apologise or even hint at anything like that but just state, this is what we are doing and we look forward to seeing you on x date.

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berkshirefem · 27/07/2011 10:30

scury is right.

But I wouldn't keep it from them, I'd explain clearly that you can't afford for everyone to go but you wanted to take your children away because they haven't been away for a long time. Tell them their dad is coming, and is paying for himself.

I think kids appreicate being told how it is. If ex goes bat shit she'll only show herself up, not you. But I'd get in there and tell the kids before she does.

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2blessed2bstressed · 27/07/2011 15:07

Yep, we'll definitely do that. Explain it like it is, so that they understand. I think we might leave it a little nearer the time though, as they'll be bound to tell their mum who will definitely feel the need to phone up to shout and scream at dp and then call him for everything to anyone who'll listen.
If we can postpone that for a bit longer then I'd like to!