Exhausted

[Gem006]

I have a 14 year old son, I am extremely worried and stressed out over him at the moment. He has always been a handful but recently even worse. He wears a hoodie 24/7 even when we have very hot weather. Most worryingly last week he wouldn't eat for 3 days he kept saying he wasn't hungry luckily by day 4 he cracked and ate way too much I thought that was the end of it then Sunday he refused any food, Monday he ate a little bit and has only eaten a KFC since and that's only because he goes to a special educational needs school and the teacher managed to get him to go.
I am extremely worried sick to the point that I feel I don't want to eat. I've tried seeing what is wrong he goes to school everyday but barely attends any lessons and if he does he doesn't engage. He goes from one extreme to another either an a* student behaving brilliantly or an absolute nightmare. Luckily the school have been listening to me and picked up so he started his first counselling/therapy session thurs. he has had a difficult life and upbringing. I was 17 and his dad was emotional and physically abusive to me. My son doesn't see him anymore which is his choice I tried stopping him for years and it backfired on my being the bad guy so I let my son learn for himself as hard as it was he had built him up to be a hero and matar and me the horrible mum who wouldn't let him see his dad. He had extreme head to toe ezcema till a few years ago. He has been to about 6 schools.
He is such a lovely, caring, funny boy who is so intelligent but he has such low self esteem. It's so frustrating watching him waste his life away. I have tried getting him into so many different clubs but he is not interested at all. All he seems to care about is his PlayStation. I feel so guilty about the life he's had so far that I find it really difficult to stick to boundaries. He goes to bed on time.

[Gem006]

Any advice welcome

[SukiTheDog]

Gem, first of all...

I think your boy is ill. Have you seen your GP? Asked for a referral to CAMHS? The waiting lists are long but, with the issue of not eating, perhaps a quicker referral might be available? Has your ds had any counselling for what sounds like a difficult time with his dad? I think you're a good mum. You're doing this alone? No close family help? I'm not surprised you're exhausted.

My son is 16. Has OCD and Aspergers and is anorexic. High functioning Aspie. Has become so reclusive now that we rarely see him. The more I try to help him, the more he backs away. We're waiting for a referral to a soecialist centre but, it's taking a while. It is crippling for both of us and I find myself disappearing as I simply cannot smile and do small talk when Im watching my son dying before my eyes. He rarely sees his dad. My (now) dh is good with him but ultimately, he's MY most precious thing and he's very very ill.

You may have to bang on a few desks and be forceful to get referral but, I think it would be useful.

[Picklemuncher]

Poor kid! It sounds like he has had a really hard time. Changing schools so many times, skin issues, eating issues.

I would leave the hoodie thing alone for now. The hoodie thing is a way he protects himself from the outside world, whether it is reducing sensory intake either visual or audio, or reducing social anxiety.

The eating and not eating could be his interoceptive sense. It is the sense of what is going on inside your body and tells you if you are hungry or not. Maybe he doesn't have a good sense of his hunger. Some kids on the spectrum never feel full, some never hungry.

Aspergers is an incredibly tough thing to have. He probably needs is social skills classes to help him learn how to make/keep friends and build his confidence. If you cannot find him one locally you can sometimes find online help. For example, if he is willing he could watch some videos from the PEERs program of UCLA. Please look it up. If there isn't a PEERs program available where you are you could still show him the videos and try to get him to practice basic things like how to join a group, how to end a conversation, etc. If he doesn't want to do this type of social skill work you will have to wait until he's ready. If he watches the videos he needs to PRACTICE the skills whether it's with relatives or whoever.

I know it's hard. Keep trying!

[SplodgyNurdle]

How worrying for you.
Firstly, great that the school has offered counselling. Make sure they continue that support till he leaves school, it will be invaluable.
Is there anyone at the school, teacher wise, he has an affinity with and trusts? Perhaps also a weekly chat with them would help .... they could discuss how things are going, check on his motivation, find out if he's worrying about anything in particular, and generally make him feel like he's more part of what's going on around him.
If there's a mentoring support system, that's another great one to get your child engaged with.
I wouldn't worry about the hoodie issue. They're sometimes so shy and self conscious, and it's kind of a cocoon for them, they feel safe and hidden away.
Food issues, can totally understand that one, but try, and it isn't easy, as I've been through this too, to relax. If you're relaxed about food, hopefully it'll become less of an issue. Supplement with vitamins as well if you can.
Good luck.

[SplodgyNurdle]

Oh and if he witnessed domestic violence, verbally or physically, he could be carrying the trauma of that with him too. So another reason it's great he's getting counselling help from school.
Trauma like that really effects their self esteem as well.
Are there any other services available to you ... any children's charities that can help?

[Gem006]

Thank you all for replying sorry I haven't been on sooner as we had a fantastic few weeks. Although he had 2 sessions of therapy at school and then refused preferring to speak to me. He was back to eating me out of house and home, happy, we went go-karting as a family which was massive for my son, he did a 11-17 young drivers driving lesson all by himself, he was so nervous and even worse when we arrived seeing so many people there doing it too, but he did it, we have had numerous little chats with him deciding that he wanted to make the most of his life and enjoy it and as scared as he is to do new things he wanted to push through it. I am beyond proud, to top it all off he said he wanted to join a boxing club so we searched and found one quite local that does jui juisti/boxing/Thai boxing/martial arts. We went and watch a session of jui juisti and 2 sessions of boxing on the 2nd lesson the coach had my son up in the ring teaching him the positions and basics he looked terrified but was so proud of himself and really got into it. He said he felt it was all for him and he decided to do mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. We had also arranged that he would do some work experience at my work for a few hours a week during the holidays. Last night he refused dinner and also told me that he would not be going to jui juisti or boxing it wasn't for him and that he didn't want to go. He hasn't eaten since and is absolutely miserable. I have no idea
what has changed but we have gone full circle and right back to the beginning again. I can only guess that in his mind he's worrying and anxious about it all and the easiest option is to stay in his room. I wonder if sometimes he confuses excitement for nerves.

[SplodgyNurdle]

Hormones? Lack of confidence and self-esteem in himself? He may be very overwhelmed and unable to do anything, hence the lack of eating
Aspergers is a hard thing - they get physical pain when they're anxious, and they often don't recognise these two things as linked. Even my 16 year old still can't seem to grasp this, and he's highly verbal and clever. Yet they have something that unless we can experience it first hand is hard to understand. I've read everything I can on the subject, and I still have to remind myself that after 8 years of knowing he has it, I still don't have all the skills to help him.
They also have sensory processing disorder usually, and that has far reaching effects on how they process the world around them. I did see an amazing video to show those without ASD how it feels.
I can't find the exact one, but have found two on youtube that might help.

Could you get him engaged with counselling again somehow? If not at school talk to your GP. And most importantly, and this is so so difficult, try not to let him see or feel your anxiety, because this will impact his anxiety. It's not easy, I can't always do it either!
Good luck! xxxx