How do you react when the mother of DD's "friend" comes and tells you that DD has bitten her daughter REALLY badly!

[BriocheDoree]

I knew something had happened at school on Tuesday because the school told me (not in a "bad" way, just in a "you ought to know" way) but they hadn't told me which child had been bitten. So, this morning, after dropping off DD, little girl's mum comes up to me, says "I think you should know that your DD bit my daughter really badly. She has been really hurt" etc. She was quite calm about it and, in a way, I"m grateful to know who it was, but I don't know HOW to talk this through with DD. She can't tell me what happened, or WHY she bit this little girl (she can't speak well enough for that). Little girl, of course, says she didn't do anything. Trouble is, she probably approached DD in a way that DD didn't like, but because DD can't communicate she is lashing out. How can I teach her just to walk away, not lash out when she is surprised or scared or touched in a way she doesn't like. Am v. upset because last year this is one of the little girls who was very accepting of DD and really looked out for her!

[magso]

I really feel for you!
Ds used to bite (and it was often a friend) so have been there. Contact play (getting squashed/pinned down) was almost always the trigger.
The only thing I can say is that he did learn to back off. We used to praise him for 'pulling a punch' and gradually he got it. It started with gently stopping his arm before a throw. Then he learned to stop himself. He used to bite me. I always put him down/away sharply and 'frose' him and eventually he learnt to pull that and then not bite. So there is hope.
(Hugs)

[BethNoire]

Ask around for more info first.

We had similar (yet agin) on Sunday; ds1 had apaprently given girl a black eye. We followed Paed advice and took away some of his favourite top trump cards. Not the first time it's happened, and lady tells us DS2 only welcome at family place now, not ds1. DH loves that hobby so is mortified.

DH approached chariman yesterday to say it's all of us or none (we made ds1 make a sorry card which he hated) only to be told that Chair's MIL had seen this girl, as part of a bunch of several others, surround ds1 taunting and being nasty. DS1 has been badly attacked at school before sao I can imagine the panic. Still wrong to hurt, but we feel ever so bad now!

So get all the information first, and even if it is ahrd to communicate with DD (ds3 is similar it does make everything mroe challengng) do something syumbolic- the card thing usually works for us.

[mysonben]

Ds is like that too, can't stand being grabbed or rough play by other kids, he will scream or fold his arms across his front and yell "go away!!!"
Now i can't offer any advice from experience as ds screams instead of bitting. But i second what Magso has said, i would try this approach.
Good luck

[BriocheDoree]

Well, in the end had a really good talk with father of little girl who was bitten and he was very understanding (didn't go into detail about DD's PDD, just said that she had real communication difficulties). It appears that rest of her year at school have been told that she is "different" and that she struggles to communicate so they shouldn't jump out at her or grab her as she won't like it. I'm OK with that. She used to be very sensory-seeking, holding hands, etc, but I think she has now become tactile defensive instead - she got really upset earlier when I tried to take off her tshirt (she was screaming because she'd poured some water down it) and that's totally new for her. I guess she's just a bit overloaded with term starting.
Thanks for the good suggestions - will try them out!