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Am I the only one who..........

(14 Posts)
Barmymummy Sat 05-Sep-09 14:14:18

......tends to blame bad behaviour on their 'issues' instead of remembering that they are x years old (mine is 4) and are simply growing and becoming more independent and hence stroppy!!!

DS is being a right pita atm, he is flying off the handle at the drop of a hat, answering back, shouting at me etc etc and its only been the last week or two its been happening but I find myself getting really bogged down with it blaming his ASD tendancies. I then wonder if I am doomed to a life of this type of behaviour and find myself really getting depressed about it! Now when my NT daughter was a right mardy stroppy arsey cow at aged 3-4 I put it all down to a 'stage' and gritted my teeth knowing my little girl would materialise again.

I am guilty of putting his 'issues' first aren't I and not seeing the bigger picture sad Now what can I do to stop thinking like this????!!!!

sodit Sat 05-Sep-09 14:23:13

i think we all do but what i remember is he is a 3 year old with asd (having a is he isnt he wibble at the mo)so the emphasis is on 3 yr old. What helps me is seeing other 3 year olds doing exactly the same thing he just seems to do it worse but then other parents probably feel exactly the same about their kids. i also know if i let him get away with things he is 10 times worse if I stick to boundaries the behaviours usually improve hence me having the is he isnt he wibble. grin

Barmymummy Sat 05-Sep-09 14:28:56

Yes exactly!! I went out with my friends yesterday and their 4 year old sons were doing exactly the same sort of things my DS is doing. I found myself thinking " wow, its normal for him to be doing that after all!"

You are right about the boundaries too...definately have to be strict with them or he takes a mile.

streakybacon Sat 05-Sep-09 15:43:25

I think you have to be really careful not to attribute all the negative behaviours to the condition. Autistic children are perfectly capable of being naughty and pushing buttons just like anyone else and have to be taught that such behaviour is wrong. Autism isn't an excuse, but it's a reason why things are so hard for them. I know a few autistic children who are pretty spoilt because their parents think of them as innocents who have no control over their behaviour. If they're to have any chance of a future they have to learn right from wrong, just like any child.

The gap widens as they get older. What's cute in a four year old isn't quite so endearing in a 12 year old. Somewhere along the line some lessons have to be taught.

Other things too - ALL young children get obsessive, it's not all about ASDs. Lots of kids are picky eaters, scared of dogs, like being on their own etc. Sometimes the label is too easy but might not be the explanation.

mysonben Sun 06-Sep-09 23:52:21

God, i do that too barmy !!! blush
Many times in a day, i find myself thinking DS 's behaviours are down to his asd.
I "forget" he is still not 4 years old and that kids of that age have got naughty behaviours asd or not.

I was fuming a while ago because my sis said to me (over the phone) "you put every behaviour he has down to his pathology!"
i even had a rant on MN about it! but deep down i know i'm guilty of doing it.
And i'm forever defending ds's behaviours when DH is moaning at him "he can't help it!..."or "he has asd remember!" are 2 things i tell dh all the time.

It does me good that people sometimes reminds me that all kids are naughty and behave oddly sometimes.

meltedmarsbars Mon 07-Sep-09 11:23:35

I'm starting to see that as my 7 y-o gets bigger, her learning delays are so much more obvious than when she was littler.sad

sickofsocalledexperts Mon 07-Sep-09 11:40:59

We took DS (aged 6, ASD) to a restaurant with a big family group for 2 hours the other day, and I was so focused on his autism that I forgot that NO 6 year old boy (especially boy) would find it easy or even possible to sit for 2 hours quietly in a restaurant. It comforted me to think that in a way. The thing is also, a lot of our educational system is geared towards girls and sitting down, which even non-SEN boys find absolutely impossible. I was a also at a class party the other day, with a totally manic entertainer ( you know the type) yet she must have said 50 times during her slot "sit down behind the line" all of you. The boys were all going crazy - the act she was doing was revving them up, yet they were expected to sit quietly whilst they watched it. The minute she finished, every boy there (not just my ASD boy) ran around manicly for half an hour just to get the energy out.

amberflower Mon 07-Sep-09 12:05:20

Oh God I so do this, and I'm glad I'm not the only one! My DS is just 5 and has a DX of mild ASD, and despite my best intentions I find myself obsessing over little aspects of his behaviour and attributing them to the DX without considering the fact that all his peers are doing precisely the same thing. sickofsocalledexperts, I could have written your post and I completely agree. So much of what DS does is simply him being a 5 year old, and then there are a handful of issues that are related to the ASD and need careful management....I need to get better at separating them out and not being quite so paranoid because it doesn't do either DS or me any favours!

I think there is definitely a balance between accepting that ASD children can face struggles that NT ones do not necessarily do, and finding ways of managing that in a way that benefits your child - and ensuring that as streakybacon says you don't fall into the trap of blaming everything on their ASD.

5inthebed Mon 07-Sep-09 13:36:47

I do this with DS2 as well blush, but in my defence, DS1 was a very easy child, never had terrible twos or anything so is completely the opposite in comparison (or so I like to think wink).

sickofsocalledexperts Mon 07-Sep-09 14:45:38

I have an elder girl so had no experience of what a nf boy is like anyway - girls are just so different, so compliant, so happy to sit and draw! Apparently it is always a shok to have a boy after a girl!

mysonben Mon 07-Sep-09 14:57:42

hmm not all NT girls are easy going...wink
my friend's DD who is same age as my asd DS can be a right so and so! And she is not compliant she has an independant steak to herself. My friend calls her "the devil's child"...grin

Barmymummy Mon 07-Sep-09 17:31:43

Am glad I am not alone smile

Its impossible at times to seperate the NT 4 year old boy behaviour from the ASD behaviour at times so I don't think that helps me as I always feel on the defensive or uncertain.

Am sticking to strict boundaries though as as at least he knows where he stands then.

donkeyderby Mon 07-Sep-09 17:59:08

I am not so much guilty of that I think, but for a long time, I probably blamed all problems in life as being to do with having an SLD child - relationship, money, exhaustion, etc. Some of my problems are nothing to do with ds, I realise that now.

isthisreal Wed 09-Sep-09 13:09:47

Oh me too, me too! I'm always thinking that all would be right with the world if my child didn't have special needs! Bonkers, I know, but I do think it (and then have to give myself a good telling off). I often have thoughts that I shouldn't - a form of internal tourettes do you think? hmm

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