Feeling Like A Square Peg: Where do we fit in?

[ThingyMajig]

Am a regular on SN but have namechanged due to spectacularly low mood today, not my usual chirpy self.

Have an SN DS aged 9 plus a "typical" younger DC.

Just had niggling and increasing feelings of existing only on the edge of society. Don't worry, really not depressed just feeling very sad. We are happy as our own little family but I just feel quite isolated from the rest of the population.

We're halfway through the school hols and I realised that nobody from DS's mainstream school has bothered to even phone and arrange to play.

Most times, though not all, that we have been out have been to activities involving a therapy of some sort. All with poor younger sib in tow. We did try looking into activities that both dc's could do but they don't seem to exist.

When we do see other mums, of mainstream kids, they clearly react as though they have nothing in common at all and soon move on.

Worse has been the reaction from family since the dx. Initially it was the very unhelpful and sometimes abusive comments now followed by just keeping a clear distance. I know that they meet and their dc's play together, even bringing along their own school friends but just don't bother to even call and chat. Then DS asked if one of them had died! Because he doesn't see a certain relative anymore because they died before and now he doesn't see another one anymore, he figures that they must have died too and that I just hadn't told him.

Younger dc needs to be included in mainstream society but how can we do this?

[debs40]

You sound frustrated and low and it is the holidays and these things become clearer when out of the routine that drags us back in to 'normal society' sometimes.

I'm sure you're right when you say it is probably just a bout of sadness. I often feel an outsider with school as other people troop off to their after school stuff etc which DS just won't do.

But I've decided that this holidays I'm having both boys to myself as much as I can - DS is 6 and clear SCD issues and it can be a real strain in company. Ds2 is 3 and he is happy being with his brother. It's too much strain doing much else at the moment so we're just being us and going where we like to go and staying in pyjamas when we want to.

I'll face the world again in Sept! Take it at your own pace. Now, might not be the time for forcing the inclusion issue. How old is your younger child?

[claricebeansmum]

Didn't want this to go unanswered.

We're not quite in the same boat but for various reasons I feel the same as you - "on the edge of society". My DC have left a couple of messages over the holidays asking people to get in touch to meet up and they have had only one reply. Like you we're fine as a family and get on well and I suppose are just used to each other but it's hard. Makes me sad seeing kids hanging out together in town whilst mine are going around with me IYSWIM.

[ThingyMajig]

Agree that it is a long school hols issue that has magnified.

I even called to arrange a playdate for them but just got fobbed off with a real can't be bothered sort of reply.

Younger dc is very young school age. (Don't want to out myself here so need to be vague).

Just don't think that this is fair on the younger dc but not sure how to reconcile this need with the lack of whole family inclusion.

[debs40]

I think, from a broader perspective, that lots of parents just don't want to be bothered with school dates etc in the holidays. It is just really nice to take one day at a time and not have things planned and I really wouldn't read too much into it.

I have friends who I see who are old pals with completely NT children and they just can't be bothered arranging play dates to meet others during the hols too. Perhaps, cos they are close pals, they are more willing to say this. People are on holiday, coming back from holiday, packing, unpacking, have family round, doing DIY, the hols is often packed with family things to do.

This doesn't necessarily mean anything.

As for your younger DC, then you could arrange playdates for a friend of hisher's to come over if people are around?

We do loads of stuff like go to castles, gardens, museums (often empty!) or other wide open spaces where both can run around and play. They love it. We are lucky to live in an area where we can easily access loads of things to do though.

I draw up a list from feeding the ducks, to walking up the local hill, to taking toy soldiers to playing at the local castle ruins and let them choose.

Works for us!

[HelensMelons]

Hi thinymajig

Sometimes I feel a bit marginalised as well. DS2 (asd, 8) goes to a small speech unit so we rarely have invites to parties or play dates (well, never really!). DS1 is 'typical'but again we rarely have playdates and as he is now a bit older not so much the frenzy of birthday parties either - so he can be a bit isolated too.

However, during the summer I am sometimes quite glad that the kids can suit themselves and play their own games. We also have a caravan (a very old dicrepid tourer) that we keep on a fairly local site and the kids all mix there and that has been excellent.

Oh, and I have them at summer scheme - that has been brilliant - they have all really enjoyed the company and the structure.

Sorry that you are feeling so low today x

[TotalChaos]

book marking this as feel the same, but need to have a think to address the OP rather than just moan about my own situation.... have been feeling the same this week, and even considering putting a shout out on netmums meet a mum section about looking for another local parent to a child with SN (but only thing stopping me is if I give my first name I could be identifiable to someone I don't want to be...). will come back to this and not bleat!

[Phoenix4725]

is there any local sn groups near bye that might organise activties for ds ,sn kids and siblings .So that way youger ds will have somone to play with and any nt kids there are not going to raise eyebrow to any behaviours as there more used to it,

its hard when have nt and sn chidren our lives are differnt .We tend to do things as a family not just because of ds more because 4 kids is to much for most people.

[bubblagirl]

im sorry your feeling down have no wise words im afraid but huge {{{{{hugs}}}}} its always hard to feel left out but many others with nt children are in same boat too just remember that its not a reflection of you or your child if your near us ds is younger 4.3 but we could all meet and have natter

[TotalChaos]

thinking about this - I agree with the other posters - that the summer holidays will be a particularly difficult time - in terms of activities etc with the younger DC, things may ease up back in September. Not sure if you are in a position (practically or emotionally) to do the jojingles/toddler group type circuit with your DC - understandable if you would rather not.... Otherwise a supportive Sn group/siblings group may be better, but obviously depends what's available in your area.

sorry you are finding the family so unaccepting.

[Phoenix4725]

must admit I m not encourging my nt dd to be out and about with friends, am enjoying not having to rush to places and pj days.

Think for me its been easier as ds is my youngest and my nt teens organise their own thing and dd is happy playing with ounger brother also ds being that much younger is still seen as cute bt am aware that will change as he starts school and his differnaces become more obvious

[wraith]

if your talking about apserges or hsd, i know of one called apirations, they may i stress may have info on other, needs groups

myself i have hfa/asp but stear clear of groups of anysort

[r3dh3d]

Yes, totally get this.

I get the impression that over summer, norm families don't do "school playdates", they do "friend playdates" - ie they meet up with other parents they are good friends with already (who happen to have kids) as they are going to be spending much longer together, not just a few hours.

We a) meet up from time to time with friends with SN kids - difficult because they are a fair way away - and b) like debs, we go on big days out, a lot - we have every local annual membership going - and c) DD2 stays in her nursery through the holiday and is still playing with her friends there 3 days per week. It will be harder when DD2 starts school I think.

[Phoenix4725]

ds has GDD, socal and communication disorder, Verbal ,oral dyspraxia hypermoblity , low mucscle tone and Mld so a right mixed bag

Yes i worry dd misses out on these luckily she adores her brother.As ds has become bigger it is more obvious he is differnt ad finding we get brush of more and more when things are arranged

[MojoLost]

There must be something in the air. I SO know how you feel. I was in tears last night (doesn't happen often, usually bounce back very quickly).

I don't mind my DS having learning difficulties, I don't care if it takes him years to learn to read and write, but I really do care about the social side of things. Seeing other people is becoming a rarety now, and although DS has improved significantly recently (thank you for the fish oils suggestion bubblagirl) his behaviour is still odd enough for other children to reject his presence. It breaks my heart. He is such a lovely boy as well, but everything is ALWAYS his fault (it is not). He is becoming a target for kids bullying him.

Sorry, for hijacking, didn't mean to, should have started my own thread. Feeling a bit down today. Maybe we should organise a meeting to offload properly!

[Phoenix4725]

yep one with lots of wine, think ist thestarting/going back to school makes us realise ow differnt our dc are

[trace2]

can not help really feeling pretty much the same ds7 AS and dd is ill he as no friends we live on a street where no kids (dont think ds would go out anyway) ds is stuck in house teasing dd all the time our tempers are growing i walked out yesterday, but back now.

[meltedmarsbars]

Its hard isn't it, I find I have to be extra bold and invite friends over - in fact my dd2 does it herself, phoning her friends to ask them over, she is 10. Dd2 (sn) ends up being excluded by all the kids and stays with me most of the time. Thats life.

Friends are important but so is going out - we do something similar to Debs40 putting outings suggestions on the calendar on post-its. Some are to include our sn dd2, some we choose for days when she's at playscheme.