When is it bad behaviour and when can he not help it

[Cosmo74]

My DS's behaviour has been really bad at school the last couple of weeks - he has been slighty worse at home too - more hyper. loud etc... how do I know when he cannot help this and when he is playing up - we just don't know what to do and his grandparents who mind him while we are at work are at the end of their tether - I started a jar where he gets 10p for each star and for good behaviour but he was so bad in school I couldn't give him any - he did get ready himself this morning so I give him 10p to put in the jar and he was really excited and said he was going to try really hard at school as he wants a power ranger at the weekend so I thought OK this could be the turning point but today at school he didn't even get a chart cause his behaviour was so bad.

Should we be punishing him for his behaviour at school - or ignoring it - I don't know if he is playing up cause he is not getting enough positive praise or what? Any idea's ?

[macwoozy]

Cosmo, that could have been me writing this one, that sounds so much like my ds at the moment, and I've just started a chart as well with not much luck. Mine is sun for good, and a cloud for bad behaviour, then when it amounts to 5 suns, he gets something little. I've noticed I've had a few odd looks lately, and it has only just occured to me that when I say to him in a stern voice "right you're going to get a cloud", sounds very much like "you're going to get a clout!"

As I'm in the same predicament I have no useful help for you I'm afraid, but I do understand how difficult it must be for you at the moment. I hope you get some good advice. Good luck.

By the way I tend to ignore the bad behaviour at school, not saying its right but I like to witness what he's done before I reprimand him, as I seem to be doing enough of that at home.

[Davros]

I think its very hard for you to manage his behaviour at school when you're not actually there. Maybe the holidays would be a good time to really get the star/reward chart going under your watchful eye. It sounds like it will work for him but I don't see how you can do it in your absence. Maybe it can be transferred better to school then?

[KarenThirl]

It's so hard, isn't it? I battle with this one all the time, but I'm convinced that there's a strong manipulative streak in J as well as his AS. I try to discipline him as though he were NT but with time and experience I've learned to tell the difference a bit better, but there are so many grey areas where I make horrendous mistakes. EG, sometimes I think he's being deliberately horrible so I'll threaten to take a toy away if he doesn't buck up, then he still doeesn't comply and I have to take the toy anyway (hence Michael Owen ending up in the bin, to my eternal shame). It's hard to be sure which sanctions to use in these circumstances.

LIke Macwoozy I only discipline J for the behaviour I see and am sure about. It's up to school to manage him when he's there and I don't get into 'he said, she said' kind of battles.