Statement has come through, feeling pleased but underlying sadness

[ThomCat]

So, as you may have read, out statement for Lottie has come through. After being told to go away and that she was "developing age appropriate skills" and was too young we have now been 'awarded' 10 hours a week, out of the 15 hours she attends nursery. So all good.

However, can't help but have a moment to myself of sitting here feeling a teeny bit emotional as I read through her description, and if I'm honest, comparing her to the little girl who walked into school today and was chatting to her daddy.

This little girl was carrying one of those play ELC knives, and daddy was saying it was gold to which the little girl responded that it wasn't gold it was brown, it couldn't be gold. It struck me that this girl, Lotties age, knew what the colour gold was, knew that gold was also a precious metal, and could basically have a conversation and argue the point with her dad.

Made me smile and made me sad at the same time.
all colours are 'lelo' (yellow) to Lotbags. I know we'll get there and what does it matter but sometimes the difference in her and her NT peers seems so huge you wonder how you'll ever get there, how the gap will ever be bridged.

It says in the report "Charlotte presents as a confident, chatty little girl, with many engaging mannerisms. She shows curiosity and interest in her surroundings and is assertive about expressing her needs and wants'. Which is lovely. But it's the words delayed, reduced, only able to concentrate for 5 mins, finds it difficult to pronounce, needs help, shows no awareness and so on that just leave me feeling a bit down in the mouth tonight.

A liitle boy in her class came up to me this morning, all excited to see her, and said to me "I heard her talk yesterday". How lovely but at the same time how sad.

Sometimes being the odd one out, the novelty, the cute kid that can't walk or talk ... well it just hurts a bit. Sometimes it would be nice not to feel.... 'special' iykwim.

Sorry, self-indulgent waffle that I'm sure you'll allow me, and understand even, but self indulgent all the same.

Tomorrow will be a better day, I do, after all have a fab kid and we're getting some great support so what is there to moan about really?
The answer is nothing! Just that sometimes, every now and then it feels crap being different, it feels crap that your child needs so much help, it feels crap that she, that we stick out from the crowd, that she's a novelty, that she can't talk, that she can't walk...............

Okay, I'm done.
Thanks for listening, TC x

[ThomCat]

Posted this twice by accident, pls ignore. sorry.

[jangly]

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you Thomcat. x

[soapbox]

Awww TC

I can't pretend to have experienced what you are going through and therefore how you are feeling. I'm a bit nervous of getting this wrong so please be gentle with me


I can imagine how you feel - and I know that I would from time to time need to grieve a little for the child that might have been. Whilst all the time feeling very very blessed for the life of the child that is! Seeing all the difficulties in black and white has led to a time for reflection I suppose

You know Lottie is special and she will always be special - but all children are special to their mums and dads! Would you really want such a lively chatty happy child to not stand out??

Easy for me to say - but you always strike me as defining Lottie for what she can do and what she is - not for what she can't do? Don't let todays statement get in the way of that!

[ThomCat]

What a lovely post Soapbox and thank you. i know you're right, just a bit of possible 'grieving' going on, I don't know, just allowing some negative emotion in tonight. Thank you for your post, I appreciate it.

[beccaboo]

Thomcat, like soapbox I'm a bit scared of saying the wrong thing here... but... I completely understand your sadness. I know that my vision of motherhood didn't include assessments, doctors, reports, and all the rest of it. It is deeply depressing at times. Sometimes I let myself think about how life might have been, without all the additional baggage, and that is hard - but it's healthy too. Better to let it out, in my opinion.......

Your previous posts have really inspired me, your adoration of Lottie shines through and it's clear she couldn't be a more loved child. In the end, that's what matters.

Thinking of you. x

[beccaboo]

Oops, just seen other version of this thread. Thought it was a bit odd that you hadn't had more replies. Doh!