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in need of sympathy re my AS son - walked back from schooltoday with huge lump in throat which is still there

(26 Posts)
mabanana Mon 22-Sep-08 17:15:30

I just feel so sad sometimes about the lack of invites to play etc. Ds is seven and has Aspergers. He is very bright, yes, he's rather odd socially, but not violent or aggressive and is full of imagination. He has one really good friend he just loves, but I suspect friend also has some SN and the pair of them can be a bit of a nightmare as they get so excited. However, they are best friends. I have always had the feeling that the other boy's mum strongly disapproves of my ds and finds him difficult and thinks he is a bad influence on hers (ie the cause of his problems). So Ds almost never gets invited anywhere for tea or to play - even to his best friend's and she isn't keen for him to come to us. Poor ds doesn't understand it. I just say, well, you can play with him every day at school. He has pretty much stopped asking now. But today picking up ds saw another little boy planning to go home with ds's best friend and it made me want to cry. Obviously this boy is 'normal' enough to be invited. I know that ds isn't in the circle of boys who all go for tea at each other's houses, but this felt particularly rejecting of him. Ds doesn't notice or mind like I do, I have to say. I host a great, huge party for ds's birthday every year, I do invite other kids back, but it's such hard work! Oh well, time to text a couple of more sympathetic mums to ask their sons over...
Oh and dh either doesn't get why I get so upset or he doesn't want to think about it. Either way, I just can't talk about it with him, which also makes me sad. I really, really, really worry about his future on days like this.

dustystar Mon 22-Sep-08 17:20:18

So sorry for you and ds {{{hugs}}} Its heartbreaking when you see your child struggle with friends like this. I think your idea of contacting some sympathetic Mum's is a good one. At least he doesn't appear to realise or mind. You are very brave hosting a big party every year - I can just about face having one friend round every few weeks

saint2shoes Mon 22-Sep-08 17:22:10

awww hugs to you both.

dustystar Mon 22-Sep-08 17:24:26

Also my neighbours lad sounds similar to your ds and tends to have just 1 or 2 friends. He used to have quite a few difficulties when he was younger but now he is 12-13 he is much more settled. He has a couple of likeminded friends who come over sometimes and he seems very happy with this. His Mum says they don't even really talk or play together just sit in the same room playing computer games but this is what they enjoy doing and she no longer worries so much abgut it.

misscutandstick Mon 22-Sep-08 17:42:19

just a message of hope...

Dh had a friend at senior school - he is (I am certain) AS. He has always been a little odd (the friend, not DH! well actually...grin ) but by 2nd year in senior school they were in a small group of minor misfits of about 4 or 5 of them. they were happy in their little group and got along well without the 'interference' of any of the rest of the school.

Time went on - all went on to get jobs of varying descriptions, some jobs lasting longer than others. but all were reasonably happy.

DH is now married with 5 children and makes a wonderful father. His friend has also been married (10yrs!!!) to a lovely woman who is expecting their first child. He got good results at school, he got a first in a maths degree, and went on to work for some very well respected gaming/programming companies - he even had the chance to turn down Sony!!! (tho god alone knows why he did, perhaps he felt the responsibility was too much?) he still struggles with social ettiquette and just prefers to avoid it.

But! he is happy, has a wife who loves him and his quirks and is LOOKING FORWARD to the birth of his child... what more could his mother want for him? I know it all looks a bit bleak... but the long term prospects are good, and im sure he will be happy.

Hopeful message #2

My grandmother adopted my mother (VERY long story!!!) and was a single parent in the 1950's, she cared for her well and brought her up beautifully, she had guts, determination and love to give. she also had aspergers syndrome.

SHe WAS a FANTASTIC GRAN!!! she did baking, and cooking and playing games for hours. SHe also counted the chips on my plate and the steps down to the shops grin. She wasnt keen on eyecontact or hugging. She was an absolute whizz with maths and made an extremely good living working as a wages clerk (back in the days when women got half pay for their gender angry ) and was financially very comfortable. she was very likeable (not that she felt that way in school with all the teasing and pushing she got for being 'odd' and as far as i could push for juicy details, she never had a boyfriend either sad ). BUT she found her way in life and was very happy, and i loved her to bits, in spite of her eccentricities. grin

I tell you these stories because i know that your son will find his own way to happiness eventually, and i know that as a loving mum you will be there for him until he does. XXX

misscutandstick Mon 22-Sep-08 17:42:28

just a message of hope...

Dh had a friend at senior school - he is (I am certain) AS. He has always been a little odd (the friend, not DH! well actually...grin ) but by 2nd year in senior school they were in a small group of minor misfits of about 4 or 5 of them. they were happy in their little group and got along well without the 'interference' of any of the rest of the school.

Time went on - all went on to get jobs of varying descriptions, some jobs lasting longer than others. but all were reasonably happy.

DH is now married with 5 children and makes a wonderful father. His friend has also been married (10yrs!!!) to a lovely woman who is expecting their first child. He got good results at school, he got a first in a maths degree, and went on to work for some very well respected gaming/programming companies - he even had the chance to turn down Sony!!! (tho god alone knows why he did, perhaps he felt the responsibility was too much?) he still struggles with social ettiquette and just prefers to avoid it.

But! he is happy, has a wife who loves him and his quirks and is LOOKING FORWARD to the birth of his child... what more could his mother want for him? I know it all looks a bit bleak... but the long term prospects are good, and im sure he will be happy.

Hopeful message #2

My grandmother adopted my mother (VERY long story!!!) and was a single parent in the 1950's, she cared for her well and brought her up beautifully, she had guts, determination and love to give. she also had aspergers syndrome.

SHe WAS a FANTASTIC GRAN!!! she did baking, and cooking and playing games for hours. SHe also counted the chips on my plate and the steps down to the shops grin. She wasnt keen on eyecontact or hugging. She was an absolute whizz with maths and made an extremely good living working as a wages clerk (back in the days when women got half pay for their gender angry ) and was financially very comfortable. she was very likeable (not that she felt that way in school with all the teasing and pushing she got for being 'odd' and as far as i could push for juicy details, she never had a boyfriend either sad ). BUT she found her way in life and was very happy, and i loved her to bits, in spite of her eccentricities. grin

I tell you these stories because i know that your son will find his own way to happiness eventually, and i know that as a loving mum you will be there for him until he does. XXX

misscutandstick Mon 22-Sep-08 17:42:28

just a message of hope...

Dh had a friend at senior school - he is (I am certain) AS. He has always been a little odd (the friend, not DH! well actually...grin ) but by 2nd year in senior school they were in a small group of minor misfits of about 4 or 5 of them. they were happy in their little group and got along well without the 'interference' of any of the rest of the school.

Time went on - all went on to get jobs of varying descriptions, some jobs lasting longer than others. but all were reasonably happy.

DH is now married with 5 children and makes a wonderful father. His friend has also been married (10yrs!!!) to a lovely woman who is expecting their first child. He got good results at school, he got a first in a maths degree, and went on to work for some very well respected gaming/programming companies - he even had the chance to turn down Sony!!! (tho god alone knows why he did, perhaps he felt the responsibility was too much?) he still struggles with social ettiquette and just prefers to avoid it.

But! he is happy, has a wife who loves him and his quirks and is LOOKING FORWARD to the birth of his child... what more could his mother want for him? I know it all looks a bit bleak... but the long term prospects are good, and im sure he will be happy.

Hopeful message #2

My grandmother adopted my mother (VERY long story!!!) and was a single parent in the 1950's, she cared for her well and brought her up beautifully, she had guts, determination and love to give. she also had aspergers syndrome.

SHe WAS a FANTASTIC GRAN!!! she did baking, and cooking and playing games for hours. SHe also counted the chips on my plate and the steps down to the shops grin. She wasnt keen on eyecontact or hugging. She was an absolute whizz with maths and made an extremely good living working as a wages clerk (back in the days when women got half pay for their gender angry ) and was financially very comfortable. she was very likeable (not that she felt that way in school with all the teasing and pushing she got for being 'odd' and as far as i could push for juicy details, she never had a boyfriend either sad ). BUT she found her way in life and was very happy, and i loved her to bits, in spite of her eccentricities. grin

I tell you these stories because i know that your son will find his own way to happiness eventually, and i know that as a loving mum you will be there for him until he does. XXX

magso Mon 22-Sep-08 17:42:42

Oh I do feel for you! I used to find this so distressing and felt responsable for the lack of play dates and party invites.
Ds had a similar difficulty when in ms with his favorite friends mum (and her circle of friends) disaproving of their friendship. The crunch came when we came out of a play area to realise that the childs party about to begin in the hall was his friends and every class member was invited except ds! Fortunatly ds did not realise it was a party!
The best I could manage was to meet in the park after school so ds felt included.

misscutandstick Mon 22-Sep-08 17:43:04

ooops! blush

dustystar Mon 22-Sep-08 17:47:23

Thats so sad magso. Thank God he didn't realise but you must have felt gutted.

dustystar Mon 22-Sep-08 17:47:24

Thats so sad magso. Thank God he didn't realise but you must have felt gutted.

Peachy Mon 22-Sep-08 17:47:49

<hugs>

I have the ame thing with my lot

DS1 I can understand though it still makes me ad, but ds3 is a lovely little cherub- however fr his party I had to get all the PTA mums in as all 30 classmates were apaprently on holiday the ame time

And it has to be the Mums, the kids adore him

DS2 has the same- as he's not even SN (not that it makes it oK but I hope you know what I mean), I think he's tainted by association <<spitting amd emoticon>>

Peachy Mon 22-Sep-08 17:48:43

'we came out of a play area to realise that the childs party about to begin in the hall was his friends and every class member was invited except ds!'

Yup been there too

<<bastards>>

dustystar Mon 22-Sep-08 18:10:19

Shame you don't live nearer peachy - I have a suspicion that ds1 and my ds would get on - either that or kill each othergrin

Peachy Mon 22-Sep-08 18:15:41

ah but they'd enjoy killing each other!

we're over your way whitsun- might actually manage a meet this time LOL

dustystar Mon 22-Sep-08 18:18:11

I think they would love killng each other lol. That would be lovely if we're around - we usually camp at Whitsun too though.

Peachy Mon 22-Sep-08 18:21:49

we go away half term rather than whitsunnow- start on the bank hol rather than do the weekend

trace2 Mon 22-Sep-08 18:37:32

i totaly understand ds is going through the same hes 6 and waiting to get a dx for AS, we had a group of friends at first of him stating school even us mums,but now they dont play ask or invole us anymore as ds is diffrent and they now bully him!sad when i pick ds up from scvhool i to now stand alone and see them chatting i know how hurt i feel , he even asked the whole class to his party and didnt even play with one of them, was all alone in a corner. it hurt so much i paid for face painting and every thing he was the only one who didnt get his face done.

ahundredbiros Mon 22-Sep-08 18:48:08

Oh god I am sorry that's really upsetting. On the upside ds2 was very good friends with an ASD boy in his class - before said boy moved schools.

And he used to come round and play here a lot. [On the first play date his mum was v. excited as he'd never been invited anywhere before and asked if she could come early just to look at him].

DS2 always invited him to his parties etc even though other kids were a bit off with him. DS2 used to say 'he just sees the world a bit differently. I like him.'

So don't give up, there are more enlightened people and children out there - like my dS2 - you might just have to wait for them.

tellyaddict Mon 22-Sep-08 19:19:57

It is heartbreaking and I send hugs to you. I've been in the same situation and come home and cried on many, many occasions (ds1 has AS).

As much as it bugs me sometimes, I just keep inviting my son's friends over for tea, to birthday celebrations etc, etc, even though they never invite him back usually angry. It bugs me because I've explained my son's difficulties to the mothers of these other children and the invites stopped! It's like they are scared he'll have a meltdown or something. For the first time in years he's got an invite back for a birthday celebration, thank goodness, because he does notice that no-one invites him and it's really upsetting him.

My son is in special school and his social skills have come on leaps and bounds since moving there so I am hopeful that he will blend in more and start to get more invites when people see how different he is now from when he was over-stressed, over-anxious and increasingly more aggressive in mainstream.

I'm thinking of asking the mothers direct to have my son over, I don't think they'd dare say no to my face grin!!

Word Mon 22-Sep-08 19:31:25

SN or not, sometimes it's a case of which mummies are chummy?

Sorry for you and your DS sad

streakybacon Mon 22-Sep-08 19:41:29

Been there, still there, really feel for you because it's horrible and you can't truly understand it till you've experienced it for yourself.

My ds is 9, nearly 10 now and until he changed schools last year he had no friends to speak of, just kids who tolerated him to varying degrees. He's violent too, when he gets frustrated, which hardly helps. He is fairly popular now at school, has friends to play with at breaks and has even had a couple over to play or days out, but he still never gets invited to anyone else's house. I think I can count the times on one hand, over his whole childhood.

But I do live in hope. He is very aware of his problems and works damned hard to find ways round them. I know he'll be a success, one day.

mabanana, your lad is still very young and in time will learn enough social skills to help him into adulthood. It's tough now but try not to get too disheartened, the future might not be as bad as you think.

mabanana Mon 22-Sep-08 21:58:48

Oh Magso, that's SO horrible! I don't know if I could have avoided sayiing something I might have regretted in our shoes. Why are people so mean? I see I'm not alone.
Thanks for all the kind words. Ds has gone to bed cuddling his toy dinosaur!
I think I am really noticing it as dds are so popular. My youngest is only four and is always at parties and being invited for tea etc. It seems so unfair.
I think ds's best friend's mum might secretly be afraid to face the fact that her own son might have problems so it's easier to pretend it's all my ds's fault. She's quite controlling, but I have tried really hard with her.
Have left a message with another mum asking if her (very nice) little boy can come to play. Her oldest daughter has ADHD so she's less of a bigot than some.

LeonieD Tue 23-Sep-08 09:38:24

Message withdrawn

mabanana Tue 23-Sep-08 12:49:30

Hi Leonie, that's lovely. HOw did you and your dh get together? I always think ds will need a nice, kind, not neurotic and rather bossy wife one day!

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