Don't know how to reach DD- any experience of shutting down, please?

[legodisasterzone]

Hi. I've been around for years-but NC now and again. I have 2 DDS- DD1 has a dx of ASD and DD2 is awaiting diagnosis.

I'm feeling dreadful tonight-useless and overwhelmed-because I just can't reach DD2.
She is almost 13 and is really struggling lately. She's got a long wait for assessment,but has been referred back to CAMHS because of her deteriorating mood and ability to cope.

When she's struggling with anything,she refuses point blank to talk about it, or often even to speak. She will either tuck herself into a ball and hide her face,or become upset and start to meltdown.

Today,in particular, I can tell that she isn't coping. I know she finds it almost impossible to understand emotions,let alone understand and talk about them,but I don't know how to reach her.
She's clearly suffering but won't sat a word and keeps shouting 'Nothing' when I ask her if she knows what's upsetting her.
I feel as though she's behind a wall of glass and it's breaking my heart that I can't help her.

DD1 is very different -classic case of 2 siblings on the spectrum- and has always been able to say what's on her mind,even if she needed a lot of help to express herself.

Does anyone have any experience or strategies I could try please?
I'm doing all the stuff involving recognising emotions etc but she refuses to engage and will,again,shut down.
My child is unravelling before my eyes and I don't know what to do

Thanks for reading.

[Polter]

I imagine that you being lovely and trying to help her is actually placing one demand too many, at that time she can't talk or articulate, so maybe introduce some visuals she could use. I've got some from stickman communications on a lanyard that I keep in my bag for just in case. It's rare I go into shutdown (I'm more fight or flight than freeze!) but it's good to have a way to communicate if I'm out and about alone on the rare occasions I do.

You probably need to think about how you can reduce anxiety and stress all of the time rather than try and 'reach her' in a shutdown. Shutdowns, like meltdowns, are pretty much our last resort when we just can't cope any more and they do have a purpose.

Recognising emotions can be very hard or even impossible for some autistic people, maybe google alexithymia. I would also suggest reading some writings by autistic girls and women, Musings of an Aspie blog is great.

[legodisasterzone]

Thanks do much Polter that's all incredibly helpful and has given me something to plan. The visuals sound ideal.

I will also look at the blogs and head to Google.

You are spot on,knowing I'm worried will add to her stress as she's incredibly sensitive.

I'm hoping this weekend is a reaction to breaking up from school-she has had an incredibly stressful year. However, I definitely need strategies to help her to avoid getting to this point.

It's so helpful to hear this from your point of view-although naturally I wish you didn't have to deal with it.
Thank you again.

[Polter]

Here are a few of my cards. It's quite comforting just knowing they're there. These are the best I've seen and there's a huge choice.

[legodisasterzone]

I have been on the website just now and ordered some Polter

I have told DD she can choose herself a lanyard.
Thanks for the link- I really think they may be helpful.

[Polter]

I'm so pleased you like them. It might be she only uses them at home, at least for now, but it ls potentially a great tool for self-advocacy. Learning to tell people what you want and need is so important.

[legodisasterzone]

You are so eloquent ☺ Your last post summarised what I was trying to explain to DH.
Initially, I know she won't use them outside, but that's fine.

I've reflected over the past couple of days and realised that I was aware that she hadnt had enough down time. It may be that I need to steer her more than I have been,until she is more able to self- regulate.

[Polter]

Thank you.

I've just ordered some for ds, I kept meaning to and forgetting, so your thread proved useful!

I hope things get easier for her, being a teenager is hard without any extra stuff going on.

[legodisasterzone]

Well,DD1 had real difficulty with the earlt teen years,but she is coming out the other side now (touch wood!)
I took DD2 out for breakfast today and kept it 'light' and we just messed about and laughed.

[Polter]

That's sounds good. Breakfast is the only meal out ds will eat as his diet is so restricted, it's so nice being able to go and eat off a menu and not have to take a packed lunch!

[legodisasterzone]

Lol, sounds familiar! Hope you manage to get a nice breakfast out over the summer.

[Polter]

That's the plan!

[NoHaudinMaWheest]

I second the use of the Stickman cards. Dd has some which she finds helpful. She uses them at school at times. But she does have a small, understanding school and there are other students who use them. In fact she got the idea about them from a fellow student who has CRPS.
At her SEN review before the end of term, the SENCO said he was going to order some so that he could offer them to other students if they would find them helpful.

I have found that I am more likely to get an idea of what the issue is if we are talking generally rather than addressing it directly. But as dd says 'don't interrrupt a meltdown or shutdown or sensory overload coping strategy'.

DD had more ability to talk about what is bothering her than ds though. With him it is often a guessing game.

Hope that you and Polter enjoy your breakfasts out.