Please tell me someone else finds it hard to like their child with AS sometimes?

[Lorns]

Help! I'm about at my wits end with my DS who is 9. I so try and look at the positives in him but find it hard to find any. Sometimes wish he would go away and make our family life better. We long for even 1 day without aggression, shouting etc. Other people don't seem to understand how he can wear me down, time and time again and how his behaviour is different, even when he is having a full scale tantrum at my other DS skate party because he's not happy with his skates. To others he appears fairly normal "oh my son would do this or that etc. They just don't bother to listen!!

How can anything like cognitive behavioural therephy help? This has been recommended to us by a therapist as a way to think through a situation before it esculates. Has anyone got any positive testamonies about this? How on earth do you stop an AS get to meltdown unless they get their own way?

Here's an example...

Runescape is a web game where you can wander around a virtual relaity site trading bits of armour etc and working though the levels. Jeremy is obsessed with it and a number of his friends (loosly put)at school play it. His behaviour had been so bad - especially over not coming off when he was told that I band the computer for the next day. As soon as he'd come out of school the nagging started. It was made worse because his younger brother was able to play. He really tried to wear me down. It's horrible. As meltdowns do it carried on and on and on.... At tea AS DS was sent to bedroom but found him on the banned computer. He went hysterical as he blamed me for at that precise moment dropping a piece of armour which another player had picked up. He was on his brothers user. It transpired he'd already dropped it before i'd entered the room.

The top and the bottom of it was he got a sharp kitchen knife and started waving it around saying he was going to kill himself and me. Luckly all I had to do was tell him to put it back or i'd call the police.

What would have helped me not to get to this stage?

Also is there anyone out there who has a child with AS and other siblings? I just can't find the time to devote to child with AS. It seems to me that the children with AS who either are an only child or who have majority of time spent with a parent respond to anger management stragegies the best?

[luckylady74]

hi, i have a 5yr old ds1 with as and twin 2yr old ds2 and dd1. yes it really wears me down and no i don't think anyone without experience of it understands. i have heard similar accounts of escalating real and threatened violence from mums with aschild+ sibs on this section too.
finding it hard to like was something i had a conversation about with someone else on hear a while ago. i have bad days/weeks and sometimes i snap and sometimes i just manage to tolerate.
i found splitting the kids between dh and i and having some 1on1 at the weekend helped - just going to a shop he likes and having a bounce on the trampoline. that classic of huge amounts of praise even it just good bouncing on the bed/ smiles / hugs if he likes them- made meme feel better even if the behavoiur didn't change.
really talking with dh about how much he's matured as well as the bad bits - he said hello to dd1 as he got in the bath tonight unprompted and my heart melted! sorry i've just reread and you do say you try hard to see the positive - i know that we find holidays hard as the as traits go off the wall without the routine of school and some of the vile behaviour makes me want to run for the hills, but what would they do without us? i try and see even the malicious stuff as being born of anxiety/inability to perceive at some point. it took me a long time to understand that seeing me upset didn't have any impact but withdrawing his favourite drink did!

Practically speaking i was considering going to bibic which helps with everything from restraint techniques to diet and people speak very highly of on here. in the end i decided on rdi and the us therapist is arriving on wednesday. it is supposed to help hfa/as alot and the dvd + advice from mnet has convinced me it's worth a try. if you want to know how it goes cat me and i'll keep you informed.
hth

[monica2]

Hi Lorns,

just wanted to offer you some support, it sounds like you need a break to be able to think clearly and have the emotianlly energy to take control and put some positive steps in place to address these behaviours.

It is so difficult when you are stressed out and bogged down with the daily grind of these behaviours. I have a dd 11 with AS, and have had to deal with severe challenging behaviours so I am talking from experience. I wish I had asked for more help in the past! Is there any family/support networks you can access firstly to give yourself a break on a regular basis. You will then find it easier to deal with the behaviours in a way that can reduce/modify them. I have used a timer/counting down/visual timetables to help moving on from time up from one activity to another. Renforcers/rewards charts have also helped, I know it is difficult when it is moving on from an obsession but consistency in your approach really helps.

[Lorns]

Thanks luckylady74. The 1 on1 with DH as weekends would be good. It's just putting in the effort. Sometimes when I try to spend quality time with DS he doesn't want to know. Just wants to be on his own on Runescape etc.


Can you tell me what bibic is and rdi is please!

You know I think I really need to restrain my tounge sometimes as I can hear myself saying aother negative thing to him. It's become a destructive mind set. They say the first step to correcting somtehing is to recognise it in the first place!

Monica2. I so wish we had family/friend support to help us out as I know we desparately need a break. No family members live near us and not one of them takes us seriously even when they can see how Jeremy is. Perhaps if they saw him more then would fully understand. My DM has something wrong with her - sure it's AS!

I did go along to a support group for autistic children - there was only 1 other parent who had a child with AS the rest had ASD and went to special schools. Note even mainstream schools.

Unfortunately I didn't find their advise helpful as some of the advice would set up bad habits or life resticting habits for the future.

There is another group I've her about but it is onSaturday afternoon which is usually family time. Perhaps we'll just have to ahve the family time at this group!!

Thanks you both soooo much for your support. Ireally appreciate it!

[isgrassgreener]

Hi Lorns
I also just wanted to offer some support my son is the youngest of two and 6 years old.

He sounds very similar and I have had lots of similar types of situations you discribe, especially linked to the computer.

I have to use the timer when he goes on anything like the computer, playstation, gameboy, television, or else I have a real problem getting him off.

He also gets really cross if things go wrong and has been know to hit the computer and throw things through frustration, he also blames others whenever he can, he just does not like getting things wrong.

He has even argued with the teacher at school about spellings, I get the dictionary out, but he still disagrees with me.

It is very hard sometimes, these things are also quite subtle, as on their own, they seem quite small, but put together with all the other small inflexable things that you have to deal with on a daily basis, they can really wear you down.

I must agree with trying to be as positive as you can, it is so easy to end up in a negitive cycle where all you say is don't, don't, don't.

I try and praise as much as I can, for all those little things like saying thank you, turning the light off, helping in any way. It all adds up, but I do often end the day wishing I had done things differently and feeling a bit stressed.

The best thing anyone ever said to me is " try and be a good enough parent" I do feel the pressure of trying to get it right, and often failing.

As for the anger side of things, I don't quite know where that will end up. DS2 was very agressive last year and we had a very difficult time at school. He seems to have calmed down now and is not lashing out at others like he used to. He does still say some very worrying things and he has also threatened us with knives etc.

It can be very hard and you have to just take it one day at a time.

[Lorns]

Hi isgrassgreener - it's so good to hear someone else say their DS argues black is white and blames other people. These are things that really wind me up!

My new mantra is "I will be positive and praise him, I will be positive and praise him....."

I just find it so easy with my other 2 DS's.

You know this kind of support is just what I need as it's been hard to find anyone who's similar!

THANKYOU!

[mamatres]

god Lorns, i could have written your post. recently i too have tried to work out how i could leave home taking dd with me. i have ds1 who is 8 and has AS, ds2 who is 4 and also has AS and dd who is 2 and hopefully is NT.
my elder ds has never gone so far as threateneing me with a knife but he has hit me, he often seems a bit 'disturbed'. the thing that drives me insane is the fact neither of boys can play or have any idea what to do with themselves and thus far visual timetabling hasnt helped unless i devote every minute of my time to just that one child (which obv i cant do). they then hang around, eating, hurting each other, being really annoying, it ALWAYS goes too far, and every day ends in tears, inc mine sometimes.
individually on their own with 100% attention they are lovely but a combination of 2 or all of them is soul destroying.
i have posted before about the feelings i have for ds1 and that i find it very hard to love him sometimes.
i know i have aspergers too (i have been assessed but not formally diagnosed- hardly any point is there? i m 31 now!) and i find parenting very hard anyway, easy up til the age when they start asserting themselves then i fall to pieces. but thats a whole different thread...!
the thing with friends saying they understand, their kids do it, all kids do it etc really bloody grinds me down too. because of course all kids do the odd thing, just as we parents have off days but its not everyday, all the time about everything is it? i think they do it to try and empathise but its not what you want from familities of NT kids is it?!

sorry so long and rambling....

[luckylady74]

hi, can't do links but go to www.bibic.org.uk and www.rdiconnect.com
blossomhill has just started a new thread on bibic so jump on that!
i do expect things to get worse as the differences i think become more obvious - my ds1 is in reception and they still all invade each others personal space and running around roaring is boy game of choice - i know my ds1 could be left behind even more as their socialising becomes more sophisticated.
i pestered my paed to re refer me to a psych (emphasise the knife thing like i did the poo thing!) and she's been very good at getting me to look at how i deal with things by keeping a diary and because my ds1 has no interest in toys - things that will divert him.
keep smiling( god i cried in the playground after i dropped ds1 off today, but that is unusual - please don't think i'm being hypocritical - i just know what i need to hear that helps me!)

[monica2]

think Rdi would be a really good starting point the link is here
we have been doing RDI with dd since Sept 05 and it has made a huge difference to all those challenging behaviours

[luckylady74]

monica2 - sorry to jump threads, but i'd love to hear about your experience as we have a therapist arriving tomorrow and i'm feeling very apprehensive at the moment! can i cat you if you don't want to talk about it here?

[Lorns]

Really tried to praise DS1 when he came home (had to go to work 15 minutes later) and he was in a happy mood !

Thanks for info I'll look at that tomorrow and catch up with other thread.

Mamatres - you're doing so well - especially with the AS children and traits yourself. WOW! It helps to put things into perspective for me.

My other 2 DS are 7 and 2. I really hope the DS3 doesn't have AS but he socialises well. Think it's really easy to constantly look for signs which is harmful so I must stop!

Tell me how do you get more hours in the day?

[KarenThirl]

Lorns

Check the NAS for their Help2 seminars. They are excellent 1-day programmes on specific subjects, and I think you'd particularly benefit from the ones on Anger Management (aimed at adolescents but parents of much younger children are welcome) and Supporting Siblings.

I've done some very successful work with my ds on his anger following advice from this seminar, which I adapted to suit our own personal circumstances. I also found it useful to tackle the anger head on, so we now accept his anger as a fact of him and avoid admonishment, instead we teach him how to deal with it positively and without anyone getting hurt.

If you want more info on some of the strategies I've been using email me on my temporary address ([email protected]) - sorry haven't time to CAT you as J about to get up now!

HTH

[monica2]

Luckylady please do CAT me, would love to be of help,

good luck for today!