Behaviour.....any hope??

[Imaginosity]

I took DS to a party today. He's 7 and has high functioning autism. I had to stay with him and follow him about from activity to activity - I was on edge watching his behaviour. He wasn't too bad - but he wasn't that great either. At one stage during a game he got annoyed with another boy who hadn't done anything wrong. DS just didn't like that the boy had caught him during a chasing game and was angry with the boy. His face clouded over and he started crying and shouting at the man managing the party. I took him out to the side. The birthday boy's mum came over to check he was ok and DS hissed at her. I had to apologise to her as I was embarrassed at him acting that way. She was lovely about it but I wondered was she thinking she wouldn't want her child being friends with DS and learning inappropriate behaviour from him.

I hate that I can never relax and take my eyes off DS.

Often he behaves so well and is so engaged and lovely. I just hate that he often shows the more difficult side of his personality to people as I don't want others to dislike him - I want them to see the lovely warm funny boy he can be.

I can't really imagine how this behaviour will look as he gets older - will it become easier as he learns social rules or will it get worse?

[TheOtherMrsDeWinter]

Hi there, not much advice to offer but just wanted to say I understand.
It is hard work but I suppose there's not much point worrying about other people's opinions if you can help it. I know that's easier said than done in practice. You and your son are not what other people think you are, their opinions don't define you. Who knows what's going on in other people's heads but if you start worrying about it now it you're heading down a path to dark place.
It's isolating having a sn child sometimes so don't be hard on yourself. Do you have any friends who understand that you can talk to?
I don't know what's in the future for my son either and I find that stressful too. So many things can affect my ds, too little sleep, too much excitement, too much stimulation. Parties are always a worry for me too because it's just so unpredictable for them and the stimulation level is usually out of control. You're not alone
Hang in there!

[mummytime]

Don't give up hope!
It can get better. The mother at the party sounds nice - don't feel embarrassed, the best people do get it.
But do get yourself a support network. People who understand what you are going through.
Also try to understand the triggers and avoid them. Was there another activity your son would have enjoyed instead of that game?

[guggenheim]

No advice but some sympathy from me!

Ds is 7 and sounds very similar to your young man. Birthday parties have been hell on a stick this year, except the small party held at a close friends house.

After ds's own party, I've vowed to never, ever hold a party for him again. (He can take 2 friends to an activity) he's a really lovely boy 99% of the time.

The only positives I can take from it are that big parties kind of go off the scene after 7 and that my friend's slightly older son has begun to be able to cope with some parties, sometimes.

Fuck it- other parents are far more worried about their own offspring. Do not give it another thought.

[knittingwithnettles]

Ds2 behaved worse and worse at big parties up until he was 12 (tbh I stopped taking him to them, but family functions were inevitable, that is how I noticed he was still not coping with them)

Small parties...well his own home parties went well, highly structured parties went well, but noisy discos were always a nightmare.

Something always went wrong, food came too late, ds had toileting accidents, people were rude to him, egged him on to behave oddly.

So glad it is not like that now. He goes to family parties and is a star chasing around and looking after younger kids, he chats fine, he self regulates and tells us when it is too much. Essentially we still don't overdo it, or do too much or ask too much of him but at 14 I would say he is a great improvement on teenagers drinking vodka!!!!![which I have experience of, with my other kids' friends]

[knittingwithnettles]

I remember taking him to bowling party aged about 8, and he just couldn't stay on task..he wandered off very quickly to the gaming machines, basically he couldn't wait in a line or be a team player and found the noise and lighting unsustainable. This was a very small party which he was invited to, he was thrilled to be invited, thought would be great, but it just didn't work for him. That is an example of a party where a NT child would have been fine to leave, but he just wasn't. Another party he became hysterical because in the "free" play bit, they were playing a computer game and he didn't get a turn. Another party he lost it because I didn't bring something with me that he thought he was going to show the others.

So planning and preparation, talking through scenarios, making decisions to opt out and replace with something else more suitable, and above all make your own parties the funnest parties of all!!!!

[knittingwithnettles]

Tbh I think the world has gone mad with all these kids' parties...not everyone gives them and not everyone has to go to them..there are other forms of social life for primary children, but we've all been held hostage to the idea of the "big" party. In my day it was a few friends round to play a few games and a lovely cake, and possibly some going home trinkets.