Any advice/tips about parenting NT and ASD children at the same time?

[PigPigTrotters]

Individually it's ok, when the DC are together it tends to be chaotic, aggressive and disrespectful, and I have no idea what is normal sibling stuff, what to let go, what to deal with and how to deal with it effectively.

I have 4 DC. I'll try to briefly describe them. (Being brief isn't a strong point, apologies if this ends up long )
Ds1 (15) - non-clinical diagnosis of ASD/PDA, also ticks boxes for dyslexia and dyspraxia. He is HE (couldn't cope with school), is lovely, calm, relaxed and thoughtful when alone, when the other DC are around he is very anxious which triggers off a need to control everyone around him (which doesn't go down well), and will be rude and obnoxious but doesn't recognise that he is being. He doesn't tolerate the others, but won't take himself out of the situation, or to another room, and can't be forced to go.

Dd (14) - nt but gets very anxious. When things are on her terms she is a delight, when she is asked to do something, it's almost as if she panics and will get very personal, if we don't back off, or we try to tell her off for this, she will have a meltdown/panic attack - she goes through stages with this, we think linked to change, sometimes she will be very easy going, other times not. She says she hates her life, thinks she is picked on because she's the only NT in the family (she's not picked on, but ds2 tends to need more attention than any of the others, but we do work hard to make sure each has individual time, and dd tends to go out with friends a lot ).

Ds2 (11) - ASD/PDA, needs very careful parenting or can be very violent. Holds everything in at school, lets it out at home. PDA parenting works for him, but things tend to be volatile.

Ds3 (5) - maybe NT, maybe ASD, a bit like dd, traits, but probably not ASD. Doesn't do noise, cries and whinges a lot after school, which can trigger ds1 and 2.

When they're on their own, I feel like I know them well, can get the best out of them.
When they're together it's like trying to juggle a million balls, and I'm failing miserably, and feel guilty that I'm doing such a bad job.
Yesterday we had 40 minutes where they got on well, they chatted and laughed together, but this is so,rare, usually they spend their time insulting each other and I spend my time supervising ds2 so he doesn't hurt anyone, and ds1 to stop him policing everything everyone does, which winds everyone up and increases the insults and fighting.

It's all a mess. Help!

[PigPigTrotters]

Should maybe add that I have asd too, which adds nicely to the mix!

[DiscoMike]

WE have a very similar set up here - you could be describing our Dc1 with the "will be rude and obnoxious but doesn't recognise that he is being. He doesn't tolerate the others, but won't take himself out of the situation, or to another room, and can't be forced to go" I hadn't considered it as anxiety though, just him trying to be like people at school are around him, and not 'getting it'

[PigPigTrotters]

We thought that too, but it didn't improve when we took him out of school, and I had loads of time with him so started spotting what was going on.