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Motivation for dd (7)(12 Posts)
DD2 is 7 in a few days and has become increasingly violent. It's because it's the holidays but she has attacked me four times in the last week, biting, scratching, kicking and has drawn blood each time. My lower arms look like I have been sticking them into rose bushes then banging them with stones. I am working on her anxiety and avoiding the triggers while also trying to keep DD1 and DH happy. It's exhausting.
I have the 'what to do' when you get angry/ anxious books (they are great, I have used them with DD1 for other things) BUT she doesn't want to do them. She isn't interested in anything other than her iPad and apps.
Any thoughts on how to motivate her, she says she can't help being angry and her body just makes her do it but she throws the book away when I bring it out.
I know I'm doing something wrong so please be kind. :-(
Also I have made it seem like I have to manage DH, I really don't, I just want him to be happy too as he is so super supportive about everything. Also I have now posted three times on my own thread.
Can you restrict the iPad and then reward her with it when she tries to use/practise the strategies from the book? Obviously, you don't want to punish her for being angry, but using the strategies could form part of a reward system with the ipad as the reinforcer.
What are the triggers?
What apps does she have access to?
What alternative activities work?
I'm due Dh can manage his own happiness and provide support for the rest of you.
How old is dd1 and how is she managing?
What happened on the last good day?
Why are school days easier?
The answers to this rather intrusive list (which you don't have to share if you don't want to!!) will probably lead you to a solution. The good news is it probably does exist and solutions we can discover and implement ourselves are the best kind.
Thank you. She is on the iPad too much. We used to limit it hugely until her paed said she needed it to take time out. She now gets incredibly anxious if we tell her it is going to be put away and can trigger a meltdown in itself. I'm also very tired - she doesn't sleep despite all the intervention we could get and she sleeps in my bed (DH sleeps in another room) so is easier to let her stay on it .
zzzzz thank you for the list, it's good to hang some thoughts on. The last good day was a day when she was more or less on control of what we did. She lacks a logical approach to what is reasonable (once had a melt down over not going to Paris at that very moment despite calm explanation as to why that couldn't happen - she has never been, just saw it on CBBC).
Triggers are - other children/ not understanding the game at all/ wanting desperately to join in but hugely frustrated that she can't keep up. Also too many/few things in a day. iPad removal. Shoes (sometimes), clothes (if not right feel), clothes (if not what she deems suitable for the place/occasion). Things not happening in the way she has decided they will happen (often doesn't tell us though so we get it wrong without knowing). Not being given the correct food, served in the correct way, immediately. Bedtime (but this has improved with melatonin- she gets to sleep but still can't sleep through ). And some others.
She only had apps that I have let her have, she mostly likes toddler games and minecraft. I let her watch you tube but only 4 specific channels that I have subscribed her to (she will not deviate from them because it's her rule she sticks to - any time she has ever accidentally done that she has immediately told me she has gone on it and switched it off again). She also watched CBBC on it.
Running round yelling (her not me) is the only thing that distracts her from meltdown.
DD2 is just about to be 9 and doesn't cope well with DD1 and just wants her to be easier to be with. She has lots of anxiety issues (and while I don't think she has ASD I think she shows lots of traits). It's fair to say she doesn't get as much input as DD2 but they both know how much we love and care for them. She also hates when DD2 hurts me and tries to help which (while lovely) is really not good for her. I have talked to her about it not being her responsibility and I'm the adult and can handle it (in a really nice way) I know it does affect her.
School is easier because there is less opportunity for spontaneity (from her). But she is much less happy during term time. It's like term takes out the highs and lows which the holidays inject back into her.
Will read back over this in the morning to see if I can see a way through. Thank you fir your input, makes me feel less isolated.
It all sounds VERY familiar. The controlling behaviour and the hurting you are anxiety not meant, and the sleep is too.
It does sound like she has lots of so called "sensory" difficulties (which is how all those texture, running round the room, food bits are described in lots of posts/books). There's lots of talk about "sensory diet" which is nothing to do with what you eat but more calming techniques and identifying irritants that are stressing her.
Do you use slow release melatonin?
As far as the sleeping together thing goes, it can get better and you can morph it to whatever works for your family. We had the same issues.
Google PDA, not because I think your Dd has it but because the strategies might help you.
Also read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.
Hi thank you so much. She is diagnosed with ASD, SPD and hyperacusis. I have started the explosive child so many times but just found it too difficult, I have made it 1/3 of the way through at most. Maybe now is the time to challenge myself to think about it. I will look into sensory diet too (heard of it but have never investigated it!)
Glad to know I'm not alone and thank you
I found the Mintessori approach worked wonders for ds. She has a way at looking at things that is so kind quiet and thoughtful of the child you have that it is really refreshing. True Montessori teachers don't punish or praise at all. It is a very peaceful way of changing things and, I think, uniquely suited to our anxious, controlling overwhelmed children.
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