Help - End of my tether and School going very badly. Not sure what to do.

[Sassles]

My Son has started P1 in Scotland (age 5) and nursery was always a nightmare. He has days that are great and he has little issues, but always a day to day issue of not sitting in his seat, being distracted and not wanting to sit on the carpet with the other children. He struggles in the playground and in the gym hall/assemblies, but it is quite varied how he responds. It can manifest in violent outbursts where he is throwing chairs and kicking teachers and sometimes he copes fine.

This is not what he is like at home where he is a very caring and happy little boy. He has issues with loud noises at times. He communicates very well and has eye contact, (unless you are trying to talk to him about a serious topic where he will avoid eye contact and fiddle with anything in sight, but imagine most children so this).

He doesn’t know why he gets upset and often seems to not remember what happens when he is in a rage. Again, I never see this at home or out of the house with me or with friends/family) only at School. Nursery was bad, but they didn’t communicate how bad until he was leaving there, so there seems to be a bit of learned behaviour and he thinks it is ok not to join in and participate as nursery let him do what he wanted for a quiet life.

He is a very smart little boy and can already read having only been at school 2 months and missed a fair amount of the teaching through behaviour issues and tested well above average on the baseline assessments.

The educational Psychologist is involved, but it is very, very slow moving. We had two good weeks after a rocky start and it has suddenly deteriorated this week with 3 out of 4 days this week being bad.

The school are calling me almost daily and on five occasions I have been called to the School from work as he has been wrecking the place in a rage.

I am not sure that we will get a diagnosis, or even what this behaviour means as nothing seems to really fit with him, although I guess that there are many degrees on the spectrum.

The School have been helpful at times, but at others they seem to believe he is just “being bad” and choosing to act in a violent manner, which I do not believe. Both very bad days this week were due to him being in the playground and playing with other boys that got too rough. He couldn’t calm down when back in the class and things then escalated. He does go to a Playground group at lunchtime which is structured and in a quiet place outside and he responds well, but normal break is in the main playground. In class he can complete his work well and to a good standard, so a lot of the time seems to cope on his own and then out of nowhere, something triggers him and he will hide under tables or shout and throw things.

I think why I am writing this is to see if anyone has similar issue and any advice and ideas for support?

The school say that there are no local resources in the Council. They say they are out of ideas as nothing seems to work for him and there doesn’t seem to be a set pattern of triggers in order to spot issues before they escalate. They say there are no local schools that they have links with that could assist with ideas and no external places I can go.

I did pay for a session with a behavioural Psychologist in Glasgow but it was a waste of time and money. I may try somewhere else.

The school can be almost accusatory at times, which is very frustrating as I am doing everything that they suggest, have reward charts at home and incentives and I have been angry with him, and gentle with him and tried everything and he goes in to school with every intention to be good, he just isn’t in control of himself when he gets anxious and he can’t yet spot when he is getting upset.

Should I refer him to the GP instead of waiting for the school psychologist? I don’t think a diagnosis would be a silver bullet, but he clearly needs support until he can identify areas that cause him issues and learn some techniques to calm down. I don’t see any of this at home at all, so it is very difficult for me to assist the School more than I am without actually being in the classroom.

It is a good school and they have been trying to put some strategies into play, but they are not working and they are out of ideas and say they have no resources. We are waiting on the psychologist who doesn’t seem to have many other ideas herself. Maybe a diagnosis would help with the resources the school are allocated? My issue is that I don’t really know how this works or where to find some information.

The school seemed at the end of their tether yesterday, and I understand that they don’t want to come to work and have a little boy kicking or throwing things, but I don’t like the attitude that he is doing it on purpose. I am not a blinkered Mum and my son can do no wrong, but I do believe that he can’t control himself when he is anxious and it escalates. When it does escalate, his behaviour is absolutely appalling and I am shocked by it. I talk to him about it and he is very remorseful and knows the difference between right and wrong. He can make friends and play well with others. He is obsessive about certain things, but he manages to get others to join in playing with him and what he is obsessed about and is very imaginative with it (again not consistent with what I have read online).

I think I am just looking for some advice and what I can do as it is very frustrating and I want to help him as best as I can and for him to be happy at school and make friends. He is yet to really make any meaningful friendships at school. He had a best buddy at nursery, but he unfortunately moved away. His friend was potentially having a diagnosis for ADHD.

Sorry for the massive post Just sort of poured it out.

Thank you

[Sassles]

Sorry, important to add that there has been a lot of change in DS's life. He was living 50/50 custody for the last two years between myself and his dad. He is now almost exclusively living with me at the advice of the School. Things did seem to settle down a bit after this, but escalated again.

School said he was obsessing over what day it was and when he was seeing me next. DS does not want to see his dad, but he sees him at a school pick up and stays every 2nd weekend at the moment, but this has usually been one evening as he has not wanted to be there.

Nothing sinister. New baby there is probably an issue and he finds the noise of the crying upsetting. His Dad is very strict and went a bit extreme when school kicked off which may be a reason. we are focusing on him going there to do nice things and have fun there. He seems to be fine and has a good time, but this does sometimes seem to be an excuse for his then having a bad time at school, but i think he is being fed the line of "are you angry because you were at your dad's" and he says yet. I don;t believe this is really the issue.

[Sassles]

Thanks PolterGoose (like the name).

[Sassles]

Lol.

That has made me feel better.

The most recent one when I mentioned that the playgroup was an issue for him was "We shouldn't be making excuses for him being badly behaved. saying it is the playground is giving him an excuse, he is making bad choices". Sighs.