Relationship at breaking point

[peppajay]

Unfortunately the inevitable has happened - my relationship has almost ended and I cant type this for crying - but the reason being 'my ASD son'. However I refuse to blame him he cant help it. Nobody likes him my parents cant stand him he is a naughty spoilt boy who needs manning up and now my husband cant stand being around him. He is a lovely beautiful quirky boy - with me I have very few problems with him he generally is a happy lad but I interact with him I know the triggers and if a meltdown is about to happen I reassure him and whilst the meltdown is happening I never shout or criticize I either ignore or reassure and help him. Yesterday was hell and today my son is really upset as Christmas is over and husband is shouting at him telling him not to be so ungrateful. How can I help my husband understand he cant help it?? Washed my hands of my parents after yesterdays behavior but really would like to try and hold the family together??

[Ineedmorepatience]

It is really very hard to hold a relationship together when you have a child with special needs. My Dp really struggled to understand Dd3 and has been very stubborn about taking advice and strategies on board.

I took him on a day training course in the end because we were falling apart and the trainer (a blokes bloke) who I had headr speak before was perfect. He helped Dp understand that very little of Dd3's behaviour is deliberate and that by using the strategies and ignoring anything that isnt life threatening we can live a much less stressful life.

Making time for ourselves is another thing, Dd3 has separation anxiety issues and wont stay with babysitters! We went out alone together at night for the first time in 2 yrs the other day.
We occasionally go out for lunch as he works shifts and I work part time.

We have had to learn how to be really honest with each other and it has taken a long time. I hope you can get through this, at rhe end of the day you have to do whats right for you and your Ds.

Be kind to yourself and good luck

[fairgame]

I didn't want to read and run.
I'm so sorry it's got to this point, I haven't been in your situation as I split with DS's dad when he was a toddler. However we have had an on/off relationship since and one of the reasons he won't commit is because of DS. He accepts that Ds has Asd, he knows that he is different but that is as far as he will go. He refuses to find out what asd is and refuses to use any strategies that the professionals recommend. He believes that if we treat DS like a normal child then he will start acting normal. He is completely intolerant of DS sensory needs and believes that the spd side of it is made up by experts that want to make him easier to manage rather than 'fix' him.
I think sometimes men find it harder to accept that their son is different, however that is no excuse for being intolerant or oblivious to their child's needs and differences.
Ex and I agreed in summer that i would deal with DS. So if ds is kicking off ex leaves the room and I deal with it. It's not perfect and he still bitches about ds making noises and chewing but it's better than him losing his temper when ds is having a meltdown. I have come to accept that we can't have a relationship until ex accepts ds for who is he but I will still support ex to have contact as he won't have ds on his own.

Have you sat down with dh and told him how you feel? Would he want to lose your relationship over this?
Is it a case of him struggling to accept the diagnosis or is it that he refuses to adapt?
Sorry I don't have any helpful advice but you're definitely not alone there have been similar threads about this before. Hopefully someone will come along soon with some good advice.

[fairgame]

Sorry kind of xposted with ineed while I was writing that essay makes my last sentence look silly now

[blanklook]

Ineed
Do you have the details of this guy you mentioned?
"I took him on a day training course in the end because we were falling apart and the trainer (a blokes bloke) who I had headr speak before was perfect. "

Does he have a website or is there some way we could all get the men to engage with him in a positive way? Could he do an article for us on this board?

It has to be more than coincidence about blokes' attitude, surely, there are so many posts on here saying my dh or dp does not or will not accept their child's asd and their inability to face the truth does stretch relationships to breaking point.

I've never seen a post from a dad saying their wife/gf won't accept their child's condition.

[Ineedmorepatience]

blank I will pm you, if I name the organisation he works for it will totally out me

[blanklook]

Thanks Ineed sorry to have put you on the spot, I'll look forward to receiving that, no rush

[chocismydrug]

sorry peppa. I think this is a common problem with a DC with SN.

We struggling too. DP keeps going on about how he feels trapped with me and the DC and is talking about leavingband living his life

[Taramara]

Watching with interest
Have ongoing problems with this
When I posted about it before someone replied about how men can see it as a personal "slight" to their virility and can find it hard to accept (haven't phrased that well but hope you get what I mean)

[crochetsavesmysanity]

Another whose relationship is stretched to breaking point here.
So sorry this is happening for you too.
I agree with the other posts, your dh needs educating about your ds. Easier said than done,I know. However, we went through this and it was definitely easier once dh understood more about ASD.
Good luck, hope you can find a way through.

[blanklook]

crochet where did you get the education about ASD for your dh?

I've got every book on the subject (well not really but you know what I mean) I've given him free access to all of the books, printed and emailed him articles by learned professionals.
For several years every time he criticised her behaviour I'd print out a relevant article or find a chapter in a book explaining why she did that particular thing, but nothing makes any difference to him. He absolutely believes she could do better if she tried. It's sickening, frankly.

[crochetsavesmysanity]

Blanklook, that's really hard. Dh took forever to read the stuff I found him and tbh, even now he responds better when i explain stuff to him and i often email him links to things

Main source was the NAS site, for us, as a lot of their info can be found in bitesize chunks and dh tended to set more store by that.

DD is almost 14 now, but I don't think dh accepted that things were 'different' until she was 8 or 9. For years he preferred to wear blinkers.
Good luck, I know what a hard road it is when you feel like you are on your own.
This board saved my life years ago, during the dx process.

[Ineedmorepatience]

blanklook did you get the pm?

[blanklook]

*Crochet8 thanks, dI've tried those, dd's 22, first dx at around 11yo then further things as they were flagged educationally.

Ineed sorry, no, nothing's arrived.

[peppajay]

Thanks for all your replies- as yet my son doesn't have a formal diagnosis the last time we saw the paediatrician about 18 months ago he was doing so well meltdowns and anxiety were at an all time low so we decided to halt on going forward to diagnosis but He has got so much worse I think I need to get him formally diagnosed dh is totally against it and so are my parents but I am the only one who has his best interests at heart (and last years teacher - she is amazing and they have a lovely relationship she appreciates him for who he is!!!) in my positive world I am thinking if he gets a diagnosis will or make dh and parents except him?? Nothing to lose because he isn't accepted now!!

[blanklook]

Ineed received, thank-you and reply sent

[bedelia]

peppajay how are you feeling today?

Christmas is a time when emotions run high for everyone, though particularly for those close to a loved one on the spectrum. Personally I'd advise you to go forward with a dx, if only to get access to the support your son and you will so desperately need. It might help your DH and family to accept things, but is not guaranteed. Most important is that your son gets the support he needs. He has a loving mum who understands and supports him, and this is the most important thing of all

[OneInEight]

Two things that have helped us although one is somewhat drastic.

First, school ringing dh instead of me when things got tough which got him on board much more quickly with acknowledging the difficulties. They did this because I was ill at the time but it actually was a good thing in retrospect to have done anyway. He probably still lags behind on making adjustments for them but has learnt and appreciates that the approach we are using now is beneficial. Infact he is often better at deescalating situations with ds1 than I am now.

Second, dh has resigned from his job which he was finding increasingly stressful and led to him having reduced tolerance with the kids and not helping the situation. This was completely with my blessing blackmail as I literally had nothing emotionally left to support him as well as the kids.
Obviously, a drastic solution and he will be looking for something in the New Year but I think the moral is whilst some things are unchangeable trying to alter those that you can does help.

The EP who initially saw the boys used something called a "stress-bucket" and I think this sums it well that there is just so much stress a family can stand before it over-flows.