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What's the hidden meaning...(12 Posts)
DS 5.2 (ASD) has been in reception since September with 15 hours of 1-2-1 support. Great school, fab TA and he is thriving and has even started to show an interest in other children, albeit very infrequently.
Anyway... for that last few months, he has started to use some upsetting language when he has been spoken to about any inappropriate behaviour, such as
I'm a fool
You don't like me then
You hate me
I'm going to kill myself with lots of blood
Everybody hates me
Nobody likes me
Whatever is said is repeated over and over...with the volume escalating. I always manage to calm him quickly and then he reverts to his usual happy self.
I'm not sure what the source of this is... does anyone has any idea's.
Go into school and ask them point blank where he is hearing it. What would concern me is the "I" in it all. Ds did this when things started going wrong at school. Get to the bottom of it. . I doubt whether he is the origin of the sentiment . DO NOT BE FOBBED OFF.
dd2(? something, time will tell) does similar and is 5.9. I took it to be an expression of her disappointment in herself, coupled with an attempt to avoid the discussion. By exaggerating wildly, the attention gets shifted onto her feelings about herself and away from the inappropriate behaviour. Or at least it did, until I saw the pattern!
Now, I ignore the hyperbole and press on with the issue at hand, then later I talk to her about it's ok to get things wrong as long as we learn from them, and that I don't dislike her when I'm correcting her.
DD3 (4.1 NT) is much more genuine and will say things like ' ooh I'm so stupid and I've ruined it all now!' in absolute frustration. She isn't saying it for my benefit she's just so cross with herself.
DD1 (7.5 MLD) actually has a song she sings which just had the lyrics ' no one likes me'!
Ds used to say"I'm a bad boy" "I'm a naughty boy" "it's all my fault", for me it was clear that these weren't his own thoughts initially because of the language and vocabulary (see sometime the language disorder is useful!).
Tellingly he rarely says that sort of thing anymore, it used to be several times an hour. He is HE now.
His twin (nt) went through a similar phase at the beginning of the year. I reassured him but it was escalating so eventually I got very cross and told him that "no one, including him, was talking about any of my children like that in my house." He was rather amazed, but seems to be much happier since. . Later I discovered his "friend" had been being rather unkind about him struggling with literacy.
I think we all have a level of self loathing, but generally on going self deprecation is a result of outside influences. Not always people being nasty or inappropriate, but there is underlying source of this lack of self worth in most cases. IMO it is probably more important to find out what that is and alleviate it than any other part of his education.
Thank you everyone... some interesting and useful points for me to think about.
Whilst there is much logic to your point Lougle I am not entirely sure ds has the intellect to manipulate to that extent... of course there may be an element of this, so I might be wrong. Something to watch for though, as I hadn't thought about it from that perspective.
zzzzz - I am concerned where the source of this type of language is... He too has a NT twin brother, who is very protective, but they are in different classes. I know that the level of this type of language is escalating, and it is true that he could be manipulated by others very easily. His comprehension of other peoples language is very poor. That said, his TA has a son with ASD and is very capable, his CT is great and we have regular meetings and school are very receptive and support is in place. He does seem happy in school too. That said I am not in school, so am relying on their openness and honest!
Polter thanks for reassuring me that this type of language is somewhat normal for children with ASD, whilst you are right, it's very difficult to listen, it does help.
I've arranged a meeting next week with CT & TA, and I'll discuss my concerns in detail and take it from there.
I don't think it's sophisticated manipulation, it's simply a panic measure. I don't think it's a conscious thing either. For DD2, it's more that she has acted on impulse and now she is in trouble she is focusing on herself.
Check things like videos at home too. Sometimes we miss the obvious. I personally don't think it's ok. I know my boys very well and it isn't in line with everything else. Ds1 had a lovely TA and CT when all this was going on, they wouldn't have let anyone say anything to him BUT and it's a big but, they did talk about him in front of him, when I was there, regularly. At pick up and drop off, in SALT meetings. They appeared oblivious of how inappropriate that was and unable to take on board that he was receiving at least parts of the conversation.
I had three
spies other children in the school so am reasonably sure I hear about most things.
I will definitely check DVD's and favourite TV programmes, I just might be missing something that is not obvious, as you say zzzzz. I suppose his interpretation of what he is seeing, may be skewed and causing the problem. He is generally a fun loving little boy and is seldom unhappy, so it's not his personality.
Another example - He attends a special needs swimming club (has been going a few months now). His 1-2-1 instructor is now venturing out of the shallow end, so he can't touch the bottom of the pool, to get him to swim widths albeit with floats. On the way there on Tuesday, he asked me if it was big swimming (I also take him in the little pool for fun based learning). I said it was and I got the following response, "I'm going to sink, they want me to die and get blood"! I carried on and reassured, but once we were poolside, he had a meltdown and ran off around the pool!
We calmed him down and eventually got him into the pool and he was fine, swam his width with floats and his instructor by his side.
As parents we become very good at trying different techniques and finding solutions... I'm just worried that as social interactions becomes more complex with age, he will struggle even further because of his lack of comprehension, therefor becoming more anxious and fearful.
Thanks again guys
My prob ASD 6 year old says this sort of thing all the time
It is grim. However I am sure he isn't picking them up from anyone else. Massive sympathies.
Remember that he will develop too. Ds at eight is very different from ds at five. The children he is with also become more aware and are often very kind.
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