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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

SN children

Friend's toddler

11 replies

stopgap · 21/03/2013 03:11

I've been friends with another mother for about six months. She's a lovely woman and her little boy is 22 months, while my son is 19 months. I know that her son is having speech therapy as he has no words, doesn't babble (only makes "ah" and "oh" sounds), minimal eye contact, doesn't point, and (I don't know if this is connected or not) he has had knock-knees since walking and poor balance. Yesterday I kept an eye on him for a few minutes while his mum popped out and he didn't respond to his name, didn't take a toy I offered, ignored my dogs, and acted neither interested in me nor shy around me.

I don't like to pry too much, but from the conversations we share about our sons, it seems like her doctor is not really doing or suggesting a great deal regarding her son's development. My doctor happens to be a well-regarded, developmental paediatrician who is proactive without being alarmist. Do I keep my nose out and just patiently listen to my friend's concerns about her son and her lax doctor, or do I make the suggestion that maybe she at least sees my paed?

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TotallyBursar · 21/03/2013 03:43

Hum.

Well prepare for the bias - considering the difficulty we have had to get help over the years I would bite your hand off. But that is now & honestly with so much water under the bridge I don't know how I would have felt then. There was a time of denial of the facts when I would not have been ready to hear it made real. Knowing someone else saw what I saw, that the Dr did, that there was somewhere to go that would help with the things I was trying to deny.
It didn't last! It couldn't last but it was present when I moaned - moaning desperately so friends would say I needn't worry.

How do you think she is at the moment?
Do you ever have the conversations generally about the doctors? Would you be able to seize on her saying the doc is not very good in relation to anything she is not worried about or even not in relation to her son & then ease into it?
It's hard to judge - my gut feeling is mention it gently but with the clear proviso that her choice is her choice & nothing will change if she seemingly ignores you for now. If that means no change in the amount of moaning so be it.
Sometimes you just need to shift the feelings & moan.

That was so unhelpful...

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zzzzz · 21/03/2013 05:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trigglesx · 21/03/2013 09:03

I have to agree with zzzzz on this. We don't discuss the details of DS2's progress with many people, simply because we don't feel it's up for discussion with all and sundry. Some may look at DS2 and feel that not enough progress is being made, others may not.

If she is complaining about the medical care/support he is receiving, it never hurts to suggest your own paed, but I wouldn't assume that because he seems to be developing differently that he is not receiving adequate care either. Every child is different.

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stopgap · 21/03/2013 12:59

She has actively complained about her doctor to me. Not all the time, but a few times. I think the speech therapy was something she sought out of her volition, but her doctor agrees it's a good plan. My friend is more frustrated with the suggested care re: her son's legs, and has spoken about her doctor a few times re: this.

My own son had awful silent reflux for the first year of his life, and so I suppose I come at things with a tainted view, so to speak. I was desperate for help and suggestions, but knew nobody who was going through what our son went through. But I know that not everyone wants to share information with all and sundry, nor want help from outside, even if that help is well-intended.

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Trigglesx · 21/03/2013 13:03

I think if you offer information (rather than specific advice unless asked) such as paed's info if she is interested, and then leave it to her, it'd probably be fine.

We have had a few "pushy" people that were insistent that if we didn't follow up on their advice, that we were not doing what was best for our DS2. That kind of thing puts me over the brink of insanity and into stabby-land.

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zzzzz · 21/03/2013 14:09

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ApplePippa · 21/03/2013 16:24

OP, my DS is still very young, so this stage is still very fresh in my mind. To be honest, I found it incredibly hard when well meaning friends suggested that I should be doing xyz, with very little idea of what "the system" actually involved, or what was already happening. It made me feel like they thought I was an inadequate parent who wasn't prepared to push for my child.

Developmental delay is very hard to watch in your own child. Your friend doesn't sound like she is in denial, I would leave well alone. I understand you want to be a good friend, but maybe having someone to listen to her complaints about her doctor is what she needs most right now.

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stopgap · 21/03/2013 17:18

Thanks everyone for your input.

zzzz, in addition to silent reflux, my doctor wanted my son evaluated for scooting (but very bizarre--only one hand and the opposite leg moved) and he pulled to stand really late, so we had to see a PT. Luckily all was well and he walked at 16 months but he still can't climb onto anything and has low tone. I have a better handle on things now, but at the time, I wanted to ask the advice of everyone I knew and relished input from all comers.

Seriously, thank you for reminding me that everyone is different :)

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emmetbrown · 21/03/2013 22:43

I must admit I was quite annoyed when I discovered that my mum & dad, my brother & his wife (who was a nursery teacher) had all thought there was something not right about my sons development!
I remember telling them he had autism & it was only when I came off the phone that I thought, 'hang on a minute, they weren't surprised!'
However I would be wary about saying to other people. Maybe you could ask her how the speech therapy was going & see if she opens up in any way, & take your lead from her. I definitely wouldn't hesitate to recommend a good doctor if she is looking for one.
Good luck.

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zzzzz · 21/03/2013 23:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopgap · 22/03/2013 01:39

zzzz, I think my son is now within the realm of normal development. He can run fast--he just can't climb stairs without lots of help (I hold both hands and he leans way back for each step, and going down he sort of slithers on his feet and has little control). My doctor wasn't concerned at his 18-month appointment, but maybe my son will get reevaluated at 24 months. He also only had two words at 18 months, but at almost 20 months, all of a sudden, he can do a dozen animal noises, has added a few more words and tries to imitate parts from his favourite books.