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should i speak to mum of child dd hurt?

(22 Posts)
used2bthin Tue 18-Dec-12 23:05:30

sorry for lack of caps and bad typing,on new tablet thingy. dd1 has learning disability and probable asd . she is in year one and lashes out at times and is soon to move to special school. dd1 is currently in local mainstreamwith support (25hours)

Dd1 bit a child today,apparently it was more of ahug that got a bit ott and she occasionally does this to me when v excited. THere was no mark even just after but the child was obviously upset and it seems her mum may be very upset too as she went off for a chat with the head. I Know the mum to say hi to, I think she will be very upset and nice as she seems,may not understand the situation fully . Should I say sorry? I know the head will have dealt with it tactfully but am worried she will think dd should say sorry or something. dd has recently been in hospital twicw due to her condition so she will know there are medica needs and will be able to telldd has learning difficultiesbut may not realise the effects on behaviour or that dd won't fuly understand the issue.

PolterGoose Tue 18-Dec-12 23:17:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrslaughan Tue 18-Dec-12 23:27:32

I would just let the school deal with it.

DS was bitten recently (and he is in year 3!!!) and although I would have been understanding, I am quite happy to leave it too the school to sort and then to close the book on the incident so to speak.

I think if you do approach the other mum, be very prepared for a not very understanding reaction.

Yes kids shouldn't bite, but it does happen, its not nice, but even children without learning difficulties do it (e.g. the bite-er in DS case), but it is something that - in my experience - people really get on there high horse about. The Mum's reaction - getting very upset and going to talk to the head - tends to suggest to me - she won't be very understanding - don't feed her neurosis.

used2bthin Tue 18-Dec-12 23:27:50

thanks and that sounds dreadful poor you! It happened recently but to a mum I know well enough to know she would be ok iyswim so I just apologised andshe was lovely and said she'd had a chat with her childabout it and found out more,it had been a jealouy thing over a game she thought so had asked her dd to make surw mine was included more. BUt that was someone i knew wouldnt get upset or shout at me!

Thing is I suspect this mum maytry to talk to me about it. i am not at all sure what to say andam pretty sensitiveabout dd at the best of times but am also getting no sleep withdd2 and dd1 hasbeen ill and autism and special school thing is raw. i need aprepared response maybe?

used2bthin Tue 18-Dec-12 23:32:53

sorry x post with mrslaughlin yes I suspect she will not understand. I suppose I am concerned she will expext me to apologiseand will take offence if I don't but it is better than ending up withan awkward plauground disagreemen! thank you it is good to hear others experiencessorry your Ds was bitten.

endoftherainbow Tue 18-Dec-12 23:33:15

It's hard as you want to do the right thing.My ds once hurt a dc before school. It was a complete accident following something he shouldn't have been doing - knock on effect thing. Anyway I wanted to do the right thing the following day, even though ds had made a very public apology immediately after the event. I approached the mum to enquire how her ds was and received a whole load of grief for my effort. I'm pleased I made the effort but I did end up leaving her mid sentence!

mrslaughan Tue 18-Dec-12 23:38:05

I have never been approached with something DS has done, but I think I would say, - yes you knew the incident had happened, and that you believe the school has dealt with it. As it happened at school, if she has any concerns with the way it was dealt with, she really needs to talk to the school. Of course this said all with the most sickly of smiles on your face......

mrslaughan Tue 18-Dec-12 23:40:14

Because really - it has happened, you can't turn back the clock,.........I am sure the school will do everything they can to stop it happening again.

used2bthin Tue 18-Dec-12 23:45:18

Thank you that is a good response! It is hard as I am sorry but also it seems a bit mad to be at the heads office when it was more of a possible attempted bite probably because dd was enjoying the hug but can see it was scary for the child.

CatchingMockingbirds Tue 18-Dec-12 23:48:45

Let the school deal with it but have dd write her a sorry card.

used2bthin Tue 18-Dec-12 23:49:54

yes thats it isn't it. dd has one to one support but this happened at break wheb she doesn't officially have anyone. School will no doubt have already said she has sn and she will know that as we sometimes walk in together.

I often feel I have to work even harder to prove I am a good mum to show that dds spech and behaviour are not because of me! Truly I think I should be past that now but it has stuck.

used2bthin Tue 18-Dec-12 23:51:49

catch that is a good idea but dd wouldn't be able to do that yet. So it would only work if I wrote it which doesn't seem right somehow.

CatchingMockingbirds Wed 19-Dec-12 00:11:15

I helped my son to write a sorry card when he was in Y1, for his teacher after he punched her blush, he done a picture on the front which was just scribbles really but he worked hard on it, then I wrote the inside for him but he done as much as he could and wrote his own name too. The teacher appreciated it even though he had a lot of help with it. This girls mother may appreciate the sentimen despite dd needing help.

It's really tough isn't it? I avoided parents in the playground for about a year before DS moved to a better equipped school with an ASD base.

spidermanspiderman Wed 19-Dec-12 06:12:52

I would definitely go with the sorry card idea, even if you have to write it yourself. Not acknowledging the incident can make feelings even worse between the two of you and possibly cause an atmosphere in the playground.

used2bthin Wed 19-Dec-12 13:29:26

update, the mum approached me to say please don't feel awkward about it. Which was really lovely of her but I feel worse as she was visably upset and had been crying.

So no atmosphere but oh my goodness I will be glad of the move to special school I think!

sneezecakesmum Wed 19-Dec-12 18:05:06

Was going to say, if I was that mum and you approached me to explain the situation, I would feel really good about it, so I am pleased the situation has been resolved.smile

Can see too that its a bit of a risk as some parents can be very angry in that situation. I am a very reasonable person and a sucker for someone apologising to me no matter (almost) what the circumstances.

ArthurPewty Wed 19-Dec-12 20:05:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ Thu 20-Dec-12 05:13:34

In this scenario my child is the one with SN, the child whp bit her does not have SN. I was frustrated by the school saying that it wasn't a bite just a firm placing of the skin by the teeth of the other child because it didn't break the skin! hmm
Unlike you DD it was done in spite though.

I heard about it at the same time as the mum of the child who did it because we were on our way out of school early to go to a hearing test and the mum was waiting for school to finish to collect her DD and my DD went up and told her.

We did not have time for a chat but the next morning, the child came up to my DD and said sorry. Then the mum took her to see the HT. I didn't realise this and went to see the HT afterwards.

I went to take my DC to see Santa and other mum was there with her DD. Her face was a picture of fear as I walked in. I just made a fuss of her (adorable) toddler, then whispered in her ear that I know she is doing all she can to deal with the ongoing bullying situation. Her relief was evident.

I think most parents are reasonable, I certainly hope I am. Glad the mum was understanding.

SallyBear Thu 20-Dec-12 07:12:05

My DS is at Special School and has non verbal ASD. He started there half way through reception this year. He was put in a class with five other boisterous ASD boys. One of the boys mums is a friend through Early Bird group. Her son bit my DS about five times that term. She never once rang me about it, but I spoke to her twice to say that I understood. She has now distanced herself from me. DS is in different class this term, and there have been no injuries.

mariammama Thu 20-Dec-12 09:37:20

As an (occasional) biter's parent, I always apologise, express concern for the victim, and ask the family to let me know immediately of any more violence, however mild, "because we keep a very close eye on him at home, and I need to make sure school can too, as I'm not there to prevent these things"

Even if the mum turned out to be an unreasonable shouter, having 'done the right thing' will help with playground gossip. That said, if I didn't know them at all, I might semi-chicken out and put the apology in a Christmas card grin. Glad you've spoken to her though.

TBH, I think tears over a one-off bite are a luxury reserved for NT families.

used2bthin Thu 20-Dec-12 11:18:24

thanks for all the replies.I am relieved to say there were no more incidents yesterday. fingers crossed for today.

I think the tears threw me because I was not expecting that, I expected a colder reaction. She also said her f2f is protective of mine. I always find it upsetting when parents show how aware they are of dd.s disabilities but it is a good thing. and I hope She isn't now worried it will keep happening.

used2bthin Thu 20-Dec-12 11:19:38

oh no d d keeps being changed to f2f how embarrassing!

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