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The weight of the world on his shoulders FFS he is only 7.

(10 Posts)
purplemurple Thu 13-Oct-11 10:37:37

DS 7 is waiting for ADOS although the paed agrees that he has AS/ASD.

When I read about the high % of our children that end up with MH problems it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

He is only 7, and he is telling me that he is scared all the time in school in case he does his work wrong and gets a yellow card.

There have been a couple of incidents with y6 boys tormenting him, his name rhymes with confused and they would follow him around chanting. That was sorted out but the same boys have started again this year with various torments. School have reprimanded them but a couple of days after it starts again. i wouldn't go as far as to say it's bullying any other child would most prob deal with it OK but he has really low self esteem so it does affect him. it isn't him telling about the other kids it is my dd who is also in y6.

He hates school and always has done since nursery, he has no friends in or out of school and walks around the playground alone.

He is in MS and soesn't get any additional support as he is coping atm or so school believe but I am worried it is all going to coming crashing down. i want to be proactive not reactive I asked for a homeschool diary last year, they reluctantly agreed but only filled it in three times from May-July and this year haven't sent it home at all. The EP recommended a quiet place for him when the sensory overload got to much but nothing was put in place. it was wet play last week, when I asked about his day he was able to tell me it was "grim" because it was wet play and the noise hurts him, plus he isn't getting a break form the sensory overload of the classroom. If i go in school i feel like they are going to have me down as an over anxious mum although my dd's have attended the school and I wasn't in all the time about them because they had no probs.

To hear my seven yr old telling me his is stressed and scared breaks my heart and if he is this anxious now what does the oncoming years hold.

p.s Also I think I have annoyed the HT. last winter work was being done on the playground. A skip wagon drove on to the playground and the dc were told to "move out of the way" ds panicked and ran straight in front of it (near miss) and was shouted at for being a silly boy. I went in and complained as to why they would allow it to be drove on the playground in icy weather when the dc were on the playground. HT apologised but when the questionnaires at the end of the year were sent out one of the Q's was rate how safe your child is in school. I commented about this incident. From what I have read on here they are ofsted questionnaires??.

I had to cross the playground this year and there were council vans parked on, HT was there and he said to me "don't worry the dc were in class when they drove on" It only dawned on me that this was related to the Q I had filled in later on.

Sorry for the length just had to get things off my chest.

WilsonFrickett Thu 13-Oct-11 10:53:29

OK, I'm in Scotland so the legal process is different for us, but hopefully someone will be along to talk about statementing, because I think that's what you need if the school isn't offering any support at all.

If the pead agrees he has AS/ASD does that count as a dx, or do you have to wait for ADOS? Is school refusing support because they're waiting on an offical dx? If the EP is making recommendations, why isn't the school following through on them? Something like a quiet space doesn't have to be something that they go and 'make', it can be as simple as allowing your DS to go into the library at breaktime.

Sorry, so many questions - and I haven't even got to the bullying yet - and it is bullying if it's behaviour that upsets your DS, doesn't matter if it wouldn't upset another child. Have you worked on a strategy for playtime? (We use say STOP very loudly, then go and tell a grown-up as soon as you can. If you can't see a grown-up, find a prefect and ask them to help you).

You are your child's best and only advocate and it sounds like you need to be getting more involved with what's happening at school - not less. They need to be doing more and their is a legal route that you can go down to make them do it - but you will (it seems) have to be prepared to fight.

[hugs] to you, I know its hard.

purplemurple Thu 13-Oct-11 11:14:42

I should of said in OP, he has been on a IEP since May but obviously hasn't had review yet. BEST from the LEA come in and work weekly with him so he is getting some help. It is in the actual classroom he doesn't get any support or the playground.

It is small things that are grating me, In his end of term report it states that sometimes he has a scribe, when I asked his teacher she said "oh maybe once or twice" it makes it sound like he has more help than he does.

He was having weekly physio for gross motor skills, but he can now stand on one leg albeit wobbling for 8 secs rather than 3 so they have discharged him. So IMO there should be some differentiation in PE. IHO they are making him do dangerous things (jumping of gym boxes etc).

He has fine motor skill probs as well, he has seen the OT once but that was it. He still can't do buttons, zips and writing aches his hand. in fact he still can't get dressed totally independently although I am slightly to blame for this. I have to go out of the room when he is getting dressed as I find it hard to watch him struggle, i know long term it is helping him more by leaving him to do it. unless his clother are lined up in order everything the right way around he can't figure out how to turn his clothes the right way.

i have considered applying for a statement, but decided to wait until he was in the juniors which he is now. Academically he is doing well although achieving his potential I doubt. He doesn't speak unless asked a direct question in school and as he struggles to put his thoughts on paper i doubt his work matches up to his capabilities.

Sorry for blathering on, I just hate that my loving, gorgeous seven yr old talks as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

purplemurple Thu 13-Oct-11 11:24:14

re: the bullying, i have told him to find a teacher or his sis but he just says "he can't find them".

When I spoke to one of the other mums obviously I know them as dd is in the same class......she actually said that they do it because they get a reaction from him. He will just repeat your making me angry over and over flapping away. She actually did an impression of my ds flapping angry

School do deal with it but then it flares up again.

This year it is to do with the toilets, the juniors all share. When ds is using the urinals he doesn't just get his tidge out he drops his pants and undies so his totally bare. The door is on a slow release so the older boys push the door to its limit and everybody outside of the toilets can see. They boys make sure they get everybodies attention pointing, laughing and insinuating he isn't using the toilet but doing something else.

I have told him to use the toilet instead but he is insistant that it is only used for no 2's. He tried to use the toilet without dropping his pants but managed to wee on himself so point blank refuses to do it this way.

zzzzz Thu 13-Oct-11 11:56:47

Absolutely bloody unspeakable!angry [actually furious]

Your son is taunted bared bum in front of the other students by these beasts. I want you to pretend this is happening to an adult and then rethink it. He has the same rights you do.

I'm glad the other Mums are aware of it, because I thinkit is time to create a huge stink and better if they can't pretend they didn't know. "she actually said that they do it because they get a reaction from him. He will just repeat your making me angry over and over flapping away. She actually did an impression of my ds flapping " FFS has she been watching the kids copying him and not done a bloody thing about it???

The toilet situation must be solved NOW. Your son will need a member of staff to wait outside the toilets to ensure it doesn't ever happen again, EVERY time he goes to the loo. The staff have a list of kids that need support with toileting so don't let them fob you off with this is too much work. They are responsible for not having sorted this out. The big boys doing it should be punished and made to understand how very wrong what they are doing is [for goodness sakes they are going to be adults soon and if they don't get this is wrong what will it escalate to]. If you meet resistance and dismissal I suggest you say something along the lines of "so if these kids or another member of staff had opened the door and showed your bare bum to the school as a joke you would be fine with that would you?".

The bullying in the play ground is more serious than you think because it is sending a message to these older boys that this is ok. If they were my kids I would want them to understand that this is wrong. I think you need to ask for the school to be more proactive in their inclusion. I think there are agencies they can ask for help on this one but they are not doing there jobs. Your son is being discriminated against and I think there are quite robust laws to protect him from this sort of thing. Hopefully someone will come along with a better grasp of UK law.

In the meantime could you ask dd to keep an eye on him at playtime? I know itis awful, I have had to do the same thing with one of mine before and it hurts that they have to take the responsibility so young. My Mother actually helped enormously by saying to me "if ds was nt and dd was being hassled by a group of boys you would expect him to step up.....it is the same thing" and to some extent I think she is right, I just wish I could be the one watching and she could be the one playing.

WilsonFrickett Thu 13-Oct-11 12:11:38

OP how you did not slap that mother right across her smug pus I will never know. angry

This isn't just playground ragging, this is serious and sustained bullying IMO and the school must take action. Write down every single thing you've written here, plus anything else that's happened and make an appt to see the HT, now. The other support stuff does need to get sorted but this needs prioritised. Your poor DS, my heart is breaking for him, and you.

WilsonFrickett Thu 13-Oct-11 12:12:28

Sorry, meant to say, I think OT discharges are extremely common, we were discharged end of last year cos 'DS was doing well at gym' FFS!

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 13-Oct-11 12:38:17

His school life there is already falling apart. I feel for you both.

Your son is being failed here by this school. The bullying that he is suffering is just part of the overall problem in that this school does not want to help your son. Their overall attitude stinks.

I would look at other schools now and apply personally for the Statement. You son needs a statement for his additional difficulties and he should be receiving far more support. Arm yourself with the SEN code of practice and don't be fobbed off.

Seek advice too from www.bullying.co.uk; their's is a helpful website.

moosemama Thu 13-Oct-11 14:46:31

I am so sorry your ds is going through this. It sounds very similar to what my ds went through when he went into year 3, right down to the toilet incidents. He is 9 now and has finally learned to use the fly on his trousers, but its taken a while for him to master it. We had the same problem with him not being able to get to a teacher for help when bullied in the playground as well and incidents that were happening out of the line of sight of the playground supervisors. The school has now changed the positions where they stand so that they have a better view of the whole are and have eliminated the blind spots. What also helped, was giving ds a couple of 'designated dinner ladies' who were informed of his difficulties, that he was being bullied and who the potential bullies were, so that they could keep an eye on him.

Your ds sounds very similar to mine at the same age, in terms of anxieties around school and bullying, fine motor and handwriting issues. I totally understand how you are feeling - its heartbreaking to see all this happening to your child and feel so helpless, but ... it can get better I promise. You need to get your great big steel-capped school-butt kicking boots on and make it happen. Don't worry if you end up being unpopular with the school/staff - its kind of inevitable really - our Head literally runs away when he sees me across the playground these days! grin

My ds is 9 now, in year 5 and a million miles away from the scared and anxious little boy he was at age 7. He still has his problems and strugglesm, but the bullies have given up, he even went away on an outward bound weekend with the school last year and managed a year of swimming lessons, despite having sensory issues around water on his face - more importantly he is happy and that's the most important thing.

As others have said - and I apologise if I'm repeating anything, as I haven't read the whole thread word for word yet - you need to get the bullying stamped on straight away - that's what's eating his confidence and causing the most anxiety.

First of all, you need to write down a list of all he incidents, big and small. Arrange a meeting with the Head and supply him with a copy of the list. You also need a copy of the school's Anti-bullying policy, which they are obliged to provide you with, if its not on their website, the office has to provide you with a hard copy. Take this with you to the meeting as well and highlight everywhere they are failing to carry it out. (Our Head ended up agreeing that ours wasn't worth the paper it was written on and it has since been rewritten.)

The anti-bullying website Attila linked to is good. There are some others as well, so have a quick google and get some really salient quotes about protecting the victims of bullying to reel off as well.

Ask what the consequences are for bullies in that school and what will happen ever time there is an incident and also how this will be taken further with the 'bullies' if the first line consequences don't stop them.

Ask if there is any way he could have a job inside school in the short-term, maybe tidying the library books or something. My ds was allowed to sit in reception and read if he was too scared to go outside and this broke the bullies focus on him as a potential victim.

Another really useful thing would be from now on to keep a daily diary of everything that happens at school, every bully incident and anything else your ds tells you about his life at school, plus anything that your dd can add insight to as well. Doing this really helped us, especially when the school realised we could back up every complaint about bullying with dates, times, details etc.

Finally, the fact that he doesn't have a diagnosis is neither here nor there, the school should be identifying his difficulties and supporting them appropriately. He doesn't need to be failing academically to get a statement either - although they may well try and feed you that line. We are just going for a statement for my ds and its essentially to support his social and communication difficulties rather than his academic skills. The inclusion team locally call this an ASD Statement and they are apparently becoming more and more common as schools and LEAs realise that social and communication skills are a very real barrier to learning for some children.

purplemurple Fri 14-Oct-11 08:39:24

The HT took him to the loos and told him it was OK to use the cubicle for just a wee. I am not sure if anything has been said to the Y6 boys.

re: Statement, i am going to see what is said at parents eve and go from there.

The Y6 boys rae on their final chance with me, one more incident and I will be going in with all guns blazing.

Thanks for all your words of support smile

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