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feel bad being mad at another SN mummy :(

(22 Posts)
lisad123 Fri 07-Oct-11 19:19:22

There's a young man in dd1 class, who has a dx of asbergers. She upset me a few years ago, as she knew DD1 had autism and invited her round (and me) only because she wanted to pick my brains about how we got our dx (I wouldnt have minded if I was told in advance). Since then her ds got his dx, and suddenly has gone quickly downhill sad

She tells me stuff about her DS that happened in class, but my DD1 says it doesnt and his not that bad, and not the naughtist kid in class. She wants him in a SN behavioural unit, which im sure is great smile but I do worry that she bends the truth a little tbh. She applied via a charity for a SN buggy, which she got, as she says he runs but then used it for about 3 weeks and not seen it since.

She only wants to talk to me to tell me how bad her ds is, and moan about the school. I swear she checks what DDs are getting, just to make sure she isnt missing out on anything, she has used every service you can name in the area. (darent tell her dd1 is getting art therapy)
She told me today that her DD who is 4 and at the same nursery as dd2, get funded all day to give her a break. Now I get raising kids with SN is very hard, I have 2. I guess Im just mad that Im stressed, dealing with 2 ASD girls and DH health and get nothing sad
It is jealously, I know but she's driving me mad, and I feel bad because shes a fellow SN mum. I spend alot of my time supporting parents of SN children, so why cant I just be supportive of her without her getting under my skin. Please be gentle sad

EllenJaneisnotmyname Fri 07-Oct-11 19:23:36

Aww Lisa, you can't like everyone. Just 'cos you have something in common, doesn't mean you'll be bosom (sp) buddies! An old friend of mine whose older DS was deaf, dropped me when my DS was DX. Sometimes it can seem competitive rather than supportive.

justaboutstillhere Fri 07-Oct-11 19:34:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unfitmother Fri 07-Oct-11 19:44:18

Just because she's an SN parent doesn't mean she's a nice person.

Pagwatch Fri 07-Oct-11 19:47:33

She has a child with sn. That does not stop her being a twat.

Don't feel bad. But don't buy into the notion that we are special. We are not.

You can dislike her. It's fine.

zzzzz Fri 07-Oct-11 20:04:15

Firstly I think she sounds awful and it is ok to find her a pain in the butt.

Also it is ok to think she doesn't deserve the stuff she has got [the concept that just because you receive it it must be reasonable and you must need it is weird given we all know how many of us need and don't get....the system is crap]. There are tons of people who do whinge on about their kids nt and sn, it seems to be a past time hmm.

Make a little space between you and feel free to dislike her as much as the next person.....equality cuts both ways! grin

beachholiday Fri 07-Oct-11 20:12:15

No need to feel guilt for not liking her but maybe rethink about the art therapy. Regardless of what she's like or gets or doesn't get, at the end of the day, art therapy may be helpful for the boy and he would be the one to benefit.

Marne Fri 07-Oct-11 20:33:21

Agree with the others, not all sn mummys are nice sad and sadly there are a few (not many) that are just after whatever they can get and will make out their child is worse than they are, chances are she wont get her ds into the other school as she would have to get proof from the school he's at now that his behaviour is not managable.

I would just stay out of her way or just smile and nod when she talks to you.

elliejjtiny Fri 07-Oct-11 21:07:25

I think there are some parents who have children with SN (particularly mild SN for some reason) who seem to desparately try to "fit in" with other mums who have children with SN by making out their child has more needs. Or maybe she has thrown herself into organising therapy because she feels like she needs to do something. It's ok not to like her. You wouldn't expect to like someone because they drove the same car as you, this is no different.

LaydeeC Fri 07-Oct-11 22:28:41

Don't want to get shouted at but...

There is nothing 'mild' about Aspergers. It is just at a different point on the spectrum.

Expectations (both from school and other parents/carers) are so much higher of an individual with speech and who is relatively high functioning. I can see why, on the surface, some people think it is 'easier' but it just aint so.

I am sure that there are parents who thought I exaggerated my son's behaviour. But they weren't the ones on the receiving end of what is basically an assault a few times a day due to his anxieties and shit school.

purplewerepidj Fri 07-Oct-11 22:35:15

Remember when your dc's were babies, and you were at playgroup, and one of the mum's was uber-competitive - baby smiling at two weeks, sitting unaided at 2 months, walking at 5 months hmm

Maybe that's this woman. Her pfb has to be the best at everything, and as he's obviously not going to be Mr Popular Head-Of-The-Football-Team then he has to be the best at having AS.

fucking stupid logic but there we go

ChippingIn Fri 07-Oct-11 22:41:27

Some people are twats
Some people have children and are still twats
Some people have children with special needs and guess what... they're still twats

There's nothing about having a child with SN that magically turns a twat into a great person.

ThePumpkinofDoomandTotalCha0s Fri 07-Oct-11 22:46:56

I agree with Justa. Imagine what her side of the story would be.....Maybe it's a personality clash, rather than her being a twat, you don't need to get on with anyone. If it's weeks/months rather than years since the DX then it's not that surprising if she's seems a bit one track minded about it.

lisad123 Fri 07-Oct-11 23:04:17

Thanks, don't feel so bad now blush
LaydeeC I agree, dd1 is classed as HFA and while in passing she may seem easy in RL she gives me hell somedays grin

I will tell her dd1 is getting art therapy as your right (as always) it's him who would benefit grin

As for the buggy, she states his still really bad at running into the road so don't get why she doesn't use the buggy.
I guess I just feel bad that I can't feel supportive of her, which is my nature.

grin at baby group comments, I hated those as both mine were physically delayed.

lisad123 Fri 07-Oct-11 23:04:47

She got his dx about two years ago now.

elliejjtiny Fri 07-Oct-11 23:11:35

LaydeeC Sorry, didn't mean to say that AS was mild. I'm not sure what I was trying to say actually but it made sense in my head grin. My DH has AS and he is quite mildly affected (although he has an unhealthy obsession with Lego and doesn't understand why nobody else finds it facsinating) but my friend's DS has AS and lives in sheltered housing so I know it's a very varied thing.

ThePumpkinofDoomandTotalCha0s Fri 07-Oct-11 23:31:30

maybe ask her outright about the buggy, as it's niggling you. could be the lad doesn't like it, or that she's under pressure from other family members not to use it?

NiecieTheTerminator Fri 07-Oct-11 23:36:50

AS can be mild. My DS has it mildly - he gets no help for it and other than needing people to be aware he is a bit different he doesn't really need any.

I am grateful for that but it leaves us in an odd position - he definitely doesn't fit in with the NT children but on the other hand, no way do I think we have it as hard as some others with what looks like a similar diagnosis. We don't really fit anywhere.

The other woman may be in a similar position but handles it differently to me - perhaps she feels more comfortable trying to fit in with the SN children and by getting help and the buggy and things like that, she is proving to the rest of the world that her DS does have SN so that she feels like she fits in somewhere.

Whatever her motivation, I don't think that is really the issue. If you liked her it wouldn't matter but you don't and that is OK - we can't like everybody. I do agree that she might be a bit competitive too rather than supportive of you as well which would be very wearing especially when you really do have so much more on your plate than she does. You don't have to be supportive of her just because she has a child with SN. You have helped her where you can but you don't have to do any more. Please don't feel bad about it. I doubt if the other woman is feeling bad about not helping you more too!

StarlightMcKenzie Fri 07-Oct-11 23:55:47

A mum of a child with SN made my life hell due to her perception and judgement of my situation and jealousy when my exhausting battles would ocassionally pay off.

You may well be much more deserving than her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need the things she has, and even if she is a realy PITA (which she does sound like), it STILL doesn't mean she doesn't need these things.

Also, you are put on waiting lists for things like the buggy, when you reach crisis point, which, by the time the buggy has arrived, may well have passed.

justaboutstillhere Sat 08-Oct-11 07:41:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch Sat 08-Oct-11 09:55:16

There are things about the severity of my sons issues that make my life infinitely easier than those of someone parenting a child with milder sn.
Nit least that I don't have the heart wrenching thing of watching him trying to fit in.

So the woman may have reasons for her behaviour.
But our lives are complicated, we have responsibility enough. You cannot take on the burden of trying to like someone out of guilt. Steer around her. Not least because in a years time you both may be emotionally in a very different place.

I had to swerve a fellow mum a few years ago. I just couldn't cope with her level of need. At the time I felt bad but, with the benefit of hindsight, had I tried to continue to prop her up I would have drowned myself.
I know that sounds heartless but my family ultimately has to come first.
But she got her support else where and actually her endless need to offload was not to stop her drowning, it was just her way.
Now we meet up and get on fine.

All I am saying is that you can't be responsible for everyone. However much we would like to.

I just said what justa did but with more words didn't I? grin

Triggles Sat 08-Oct-11 13:31:57

As far as the buggy is concerned, we got a Maclaren Major through the OTs office as we were having mobility problems with DS2. He was becoming overwhelmed and refusing to walk. As he is 5yo, carrying him any distance simply isn't an option, especially with a 2yo along as well. I've already done some damage to my shoulder which I still am not able to get in to get checked properly (too many other things going on to get it sorted at the moment).

We used it quite frequently initially, so that DS2 was used to using it and felt that it was a "safe place" to be when he was being overwhelmed. Then gradually we started bringing it along with us, folded up and packed into DS3's buggy, and only taking it out when DS2 absolutely needed it. We didn't want him dependent on it, and the end goal is to have DS2 walking more and only rarely using the pushchair. We have good days and bad days, but at the moment, more good than bad in this respect. He always does worse in the winter when it's wet and cold.

I suppose if someone was observing us on school runs they would wonder why we had the pushchair as at present it is not being used much after initially using it frequently. But it does get use and it is necessary for us to have at this point.

I don't understand mums competing re SNs. I think my biggest problem is that I was feeling so isolated this last year that whenever I did chance upon a sympathetic ear, I talked their poor ear off! blush But I think I am getting better about that now.... (although I suppose you wouldn't know it by my massive post! blush grin)

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