Need some advice for ds4 (probable ASD, anxiety issues)

[Peachy]

DS4 is 3, has not got a dx of ASD yet (does speech delay, not severe) but I already have one with AS, one with autism and one with possibly ADHD so if it looks like a bear and roars like a bear...

My older boys are severe enough to need different types of SN schooling but anxiety has never been an issue we've ahd to deal with, and it's not something I have amssively come across with my related university course either- tbh that's more about definitons, dx, aetiology anyway. He's scared of everything. He was 2 before my Mum could ahve him for 5 minutes, even though he is youngest of 7 grandsons who all adore her- he'd just screech utnil we came back when we tried the walk away and see if he calms approach. he's been with his CM two mornings a week for 2 yeras and still cries at handover, she was fab with ds3 (autistic) and is a friend. If anything is less than perfect- a food wrapper tears the wronmg wat or a bicuit cracks, we put his drink in the wrong cup, anything however tiny- he screams- and keeps screaming. We try our best but sometimes wrappers tear, or there's a traffic jam so we ahve to drive home a different route.

ATM we're at about 3 hours screaming a day on average. It's 5 months until we see the Paed due to waiting list and SLT are going to see him but only becuase I had a bit of a tantrum at one of their courses that was pitched way below my experience level. We do toutines and all the rest but it's the unavoidable things.

He starts nursery next Wednesday and I have no idea how it will go; it's a state nursery (atatched to a MS school) and it took a fight just to get him 2 visits instead of the standard one. He didn't mind it but refused to acknowledge the existence of anybody there, they tried to pal him up with a girl and he blanked her. The SENCO is a foe of days long past (with the older boys) and will avoid me I suspect, the new nursery teacher is lvoely buta dmits her knwoledge of asd amounts to having read the curious incident. He's not yet potty trained (well, he is at home when naked but wets in clothes and has a mortal fear of toilets) and is going to hate it. Ed Psych are only willing to discuss his placement once he is there however, and SLT want to assess him tehre so not going is not an option. Dh works from home anyway so home ed would be difficult at the least.

The stupid SENCO created so many barriers for the older two, and LEA admit she is awful butb outside their trule (church, and only local, school). Am dreading dealing with her again, didn;t relaise how much until she drove past me earlier! She tried to deny ds3 had any issues (he has a dx of autism, severe speech issues and will never be inpendent) and to.d us ds1 had been refused a statement with no appeal when he wasn;t even on SN register- he got a statement first time of asking and starts an ASD Comp base on monday.

Dreading it, hating being back on the DX bus for another time as well.

[Ineedalife]

Do you have to send him to nursery?

I know you said HE would be difficult.

Its just that with soo much history around the school and senco its going to be really hard for you and your ds4!

We managed to keep Dd3 at preschool because the nursery teacher at the primary school was a nightmare.

Is there a local playgroup/preschool he could go to, they often have better staff ratios.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[coff33pot]

I feel for you big time but at least you know the SENCO is a problem so you know that you are going to have to tell her like it is, get a home book started from the nice nursery lady and make a diary of every incident that pops up, then apply for a statement yourself to save her (senco)the bother and get the ball rolling.

You could make a "I like" I dont like" sort of list for the new teacher to give her an incite into looking out or avoiding certain situations. And at least your DS and the Teach might have a good head start together. Build a good relationship with her early on and hopefully you will help your DS a lot through her without having to battle the senco in the start.

Also suggest that he needs a quiet, calm down space away from others and what has frightend him or made him anxious, somewhere that is going to take him away from the situation.

[Peachy]

Thank you, some good dieas

There's not really anywhere he can have quiet time- not nursery's fault in fairness, it's an old (very old) building. DS1 hd a picnic table allocated as his space in yr1 and it was taken within a week, upsetting him: I don't want to promise him things I know he might lose.

There's not really anywhere else to send him, only a big bustling playgroup where I think he would sink fast- at elast by selecting afternoons he has a quiet class. He is going to keep up CM though for a few months in case it goes bad then I can pull him without difficulty.

[smugtandemfeeder]

Peachy, my DS sounds very similar to your DS4. He has very severe anxiety and although he has been going to his childminder for two years and likes her still gets very upset when we leave him. He has just started at preschool number two as the first one was frankly pants. He is now in a posh private one attached to a private school which is very regimented. I thought he would hate it but he seems to love the rules and clear expectations.

Its a very good idea to keep the childminder on for the forseeable future. We are doing this with DS and gives us a safety net. It also means that she can provide us with evidence of DSs needs as they are fairly hidden but when you really really get to know him you can see lots of problems which is where our childminder is now.

Do you think your DS can hide his problems or is he totally unable to? My DS hides his problems quite well at the cm and preschool. He has a meltdown when we collect him and saves the crying for us.

My DS is not potty trained either and as with your DS can use loo/potty when naked or when he is is total control but wees in clothes if no nappy on and is far too anxious to poo at school. He is holding it in at cm and preschool. A battle to ignore for now I think.

Work on the anxiety as your priority. Work out what is causing the anxiety. My DS gets anxious from not knowing what is expected of him so we give him something to do as soon as he arrives at school, or give him a little car to hold so he has something he can do whenever he doesnt know what to do. He is also scared of loud noises such as hand dryers.

Keep looking for other preschools as the one you have found doesnt sound like one you will be happy with and your DS will know. I didnt think I had any other options but scoured ofsted reports searching by area and found this provate school with a nursery/preschool attached. I can use my free 15 hours there and the AreaSENCO has arranged for 1:1 for my DS to help him out as long as I only use half the 15 hours.

[Peachy]

Thanks again

Your last line made me PMSL by the way STF: blimey how our MN personas can hide rality! I might be able to bung out a list of solutions or whatever on a forum with clear view but in RL i'm as immersed as anyone, and just as often floundering!

I don't think ds4 can hide his problems, I'm not sure he could yet understand why he might want to or really care. DS1 always managed it and it made it very hard to get help for him (every new teacher would start by saying he's wonderful, can't see anything at all; six weeks in it would change to 'I can't cope!'). It could easily be mistaken as being extremely shy though. Luckily the new Head of Nursery is the Mum of a friend of ds1's (I use friend in a loose way obviously but her dd and I have always got on well). So I am hoping they will be on side with me.

Should he need some more specialist SEN input i;ve already got the Head of DS3's SNU willing to take him, it's a tiny base atatched to a very small village primary and just the most wonderful place. If our rented palce comes up we will move closer I suspect, as she is also school SENCO and I can't speak highly enough of the whole place: it's also under sunscribed as it's in ad odd area- a council estate dumped in the middle of the most beautiful countryside, it's slightly decaying exterior hides the work that goes on inside. But with the others I don't think I could manage to drive there each day. Sadly. It is however an option for Infants should the school not have made any progress at all under the newish Head (just started as ds3 was leaving- daft as a brush but warm and kind).

Am going to do a passport thing today of likes and sdislikes thanks, hadn;t thought of that and should ahve done. His anxietties are about any form of transition, anything being differnt- so back to the 'biscuit wrapper opened wrong way' scenario. he hates most food and drink as well but I had to take it to panel level to get them to allow ds3 to have flavoured soya milk at break (dairy intolerant, spits out water, back then you couldn;t get individual cartons of the unflavoured stuff) so I am tempted to allow them to discover ds4's similar preferences themselves. Not very charitable I know.