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Son's "temporary"; TA driving me bonkers....

(20 Posts)
MissKittyEliza Wed 29-Jun-11 16:37:26

Ok, history...... Statemented son has had same two (job share) TA 's for 2 years. Recently, a new lady with clearly no experience has entered the equation. Ds has been very I'll of late, had a good deal of time off school and finds change very difficult. I questioned senco's logic to start giving him this new lady and was reassured that whilst it wasn't ideal, it WAS temporary. That was 3 months ago. He still has the other ladies from time to time and they are excellent and always inform me of ds' progress at the end of the schooldays. The new lady gives me little eye contact and I'm told "he's had a good day" and off she goes.

Thing is, I then get a half baked tale from ds. He's been self harming/in tears/name called and generally NOT had a good day. She is useless.

Today, I lost it with her in school reception. I asked her simply if a form I'd asked school to complete that must be mailed off today, was in ds' book bag. She said there was a note about it.... I said I wasn't interested in a note, schoolhad had this form for a week and WAS IT IN THE BAG? She had no idea and so I took saidmbag from her and looked for myself. My tone was cool. Very cool. I am not proud.

Then, I got home. Marks on ds throat where he'd tried to stab himself with a pencil. Turns out he was so distressed he was banging his head on the wall and has unexplained marks on his arm. He self harms because he is "bad". He isn't.....he's a gentle, polite boy who punishes himself for his own imagined misdemeanours. Clearly then, he'd NOT has a good day.

I WAS going to apologise for my tone when asking about the I'm just pissed off that again this woman seems to have no concept ofnwhat is required of her when she "communicates" to me at the end of the school day.

Was I unreasonable?

starfishmummy Wed 29-Jun-11 17:09:16

No I don't think you were. I think you need a meeting with the SENCO straight away.

metimenow Wed 29-Jun-11 22:08:10

No I dont think it is unreasonable. I had similar problems when we had useless TA it doesnt help anyone when she isnt telling you what his day has been like. This often leads to meltdown in the evening because a school problem is still bothering them. If you know things have gone wrong you can help him cope with it. I would talk to senco about it.

Gotabookaboutit Wed 29-Jun-11 22:19:56

I have a little house elf who needs very tender handling and a 'bad' TA for3 days sent her into a downward spiral that lasted 3 moths - back on track now but have to be very specific the SENCO that trained means trained.

MissKittyEliza Thu 30-Jun-11 14:09:16

Thanks. Had a reply to email sent to the head where she says the TA was very distressed by the incident.

Me too love, me too! I'm distressed to find that my son stabbed himself with a pencil and was nutting the wall and TA thought THAT counted as a good day.

Have made appt to speak to headmistress.

zzzzz Thu 30-Jun-11 15:09:59

I think you need this sorted, but in the meantime can you ask specifically at pick up if "there have been any self harming incidents?", "if he has seemed distressed at any point in the day?", surely then she has to focus a little on details to formulate her reply?

I am so sorry this situation is absolute rubbish. Self harm is no less distressing than someone else doing it, and should be treated the same. Could you say without getting too heated that this is how you feel and that you don't think she would describe a day as "good" if some one had banged her head against the wall and stabbed her neck with a pencil.....shock [grr]

MissKittyEliza Fri 01-Jul-11 09:07:46

Kids off school yesterday as closed for the strike. So, first day back following incident.
I have to take ds into the classroom to be safely hounded over to the TA. For thenfirst time ever, no one there to meet him. The "offending" TA who was sat down didn't even get up to come over and walk him in. Nice. I can take her apathy/can't be arsedness toward me but, the shit will truly hit the fan if my son is not supported, as he has been up to now.

I will wipe the floor with them if this woman's attitude affects my son's wellbeing.

WhoWhoWhoWho Fri 01-Jul-11 12:32:32

What a crappy situation! Why is this TA a 'temporary' measure? Are they in the process of hiring someone permanent for him? Is the school senco on the ball and worth going to for a talk rather than the head?

How can anyone think self harming counts as a good day!?! shock

myar Fri 01-Jul-11 13:54:39

This is my 1st ever posting, but felt the need after reading ur posting. I am having simular, only less serious issues with my sons' primary school. My boy is not statemented but this may be required to ensure his needs are met. I am entirely hacked off with having to fight for what i call - basic human requirements! My partner is scared i will upset the staff and this will have a negative backlash on him. I am so past that. Things dont seem to improve untill teeth are bared - front teeth 1st, then bare all!!
My son is my firstborn so it has been more than a learning curve (more like a circle!)
I have found that psychological 'injuries' take so much longer for him to heal from than physical ones so it is therefore my job to drop any thoughts of charm or popularity points in the defence of his mental wellfare. I removed my ds from school for a week to this end, I am on the board of govenors so was not showing 'good example', he had also had a week off in term time because we cannot afford holiday accom in school breaks.
I was softly guilt tripped by a member of staff about this. F**k you, I thought when i arrived home and considered special school but i really don't want that for him. I wished i had defended my actions better at the time -as one does!
Once home got it in the neck from over 'arf.
IMO dont do a job -TA, if ur heart aint innit.
May some serious good fortune be upon you soon.

MissKittyEliza Fri 01-Jul-11 14:46:58're right, it isn't a popularity contest so, am prepared to go in all guns blazing, if needs be, next week. I don't think there's an excuse for her lack of ....well, enthusiasm.

WhoWho.....I spoke to Senco weeks ago and she said this particular TA was a temporary measure due to staffing. We do monstly have his 2 regular TA's but when we have this all goes tits up. Thing is, they have to provide support. THEY can decide who gives it.

myar Fri 01-Jul-11 16:51:10

Her lack of commitment is causing mental grief - tantamount to neglect and more. How long is temporary? Im sorry but i would keep him home untill regular TA returns, its not worth the consequences for him and you. And our kids trust us to make decisions to protect them.

farming4 Fri 01-Jul-11 16:52:00

Hi I may be wrong (still trying to get head round statementing process) but isn't the level of support and what form it should take written into his statement and is legally binding- and surely if the school is failing to meet this then they can be taken to task about it. So yes the school can decide who gives the support BUT it must be of a sufficient level and quality and not just any old joe bloggs who will fill the space. Your ds deserves and is entitled to the support he needs and there is no way he should be so distressed he is self harming at school.

appropriatelytrained Fri 01-Jul-11 16:58:52

How awful. I know your frustration as my son's TA is useless and lacks any commitment or a connection to him as well.

One of his key needs is being able to express himself so that he can take breaks or say he doesn't want to do something if it distresses him. He asked his TA this week for a break and she said no and he came home really distressed. She has done lots of little things like that which demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of his needs.

She is also a bit of a 'sick note' and has now taken more sick time off this week.

She is challenging to talk to, too deferential to teachers. doesn't stand up for him, too up her own arse to put his needs first etc etc

This means we work around her - using other staff to deal with problems which is unfair on them and DS

So, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. What you can do about it is a tricky one. I have spoken to the head twice and recorded my concerns but they (outwardly at least) have done nothing save to tell me how 'complex' it is and how they feel sorry for her as it's a steep learning curve. They don't feel sorry for DS.

But then I suppose they can't just sack her for not getting on with the child.

I agree with farming: school decide who to employ but that person must make a positive contribution to the child they are supporting or there is no point.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

MissKittyEliza Fri 01-Jul-11 19:43:08

Absolutely agree with you.....there has to be a rapport and often, it develops over time so, I just don't get why they've brought her into the mix when the other two TA's have taken 2 years to establish their relationship. And it works well.

MissKittyEliza Mon 04-Jul-11 09:24:29

Help! This morning, suddendly feel the fight's gone out of someone's let all the air out and I'm just utterly deflated. Don't have the meeting til Wednesday but just think "f**k it" they're just going to protect this woman and we'll get nowhere.

My ds was led away from me in tears at handover. He's like a little island all by himself sad

farming4 Mon 04-Jul-11 11:06:20

Hang in there! re-read the above posts, make a list of what exectly all your concerns are and what needs to be done for your ds. You are the one who knows your child best, what he needs are and what the school has to do to meet those needs. Keep fighting!

MissKittyEliza Mon 04-Jul-11 22:06:15

Will do, Farming..... Thanks smile

MissKittyEliza Wed 06-Jul-11 09:53:49

Didn't get to the meeting as ds off school for two days. Spent yesterday at the hospital. Left a message that perhaps the Head might want to discuss on the phone..... No reply as yet.

myBOYSareBONKERS Wed 13-Jul-11 07:38:33

any update?

MissKittyEliza Wed 13-Jul-11 09:38:18

Had two meetings yesterday. Head said new TA really good with ds, very calming and she WILL be in the mix next year. I feel like something has changed, even with the "old"TA. It's like a veil has come down and they've backed off. The second meeting was with Senco, head and new teacher for next year. Good meeting.....we talked about what we all need to do for ds from Sept to prepare him for his last year at primary and transition.

I guess, and I said this, I've just been used to a much better line of communication and I've been encouraged to develop a close relationship with the established TA 's for the past TWO years. Now, I'm being asked to start all over with someone who doesn't want to speak to me in this, his potentially toughest year.

Perhaps, I need to grow up. Since Sept, ds has been diagnosed with OCD and Tourettes to add to his autism. I feel like the support we had as a parent child package is being withdrawn.

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