are there two 'versions' of self-settling?

[averagemum]

Probably a stupid question, but my ds who wakes up loads can be put down 'drowsy but awake' after a night feed and fall asleep by himself... but still wake up an hour and a half later. What he can't do is wake up, think about it, and decide to fall back asleep by himself (and so wakes up loads). I've been hoping the one might lead to the other. Any thoughts anyone? He's coming up to 5 months. Or is the real key to get him to sleep first thing at night with no help whatsoever? Or is the self-settling thing just a myth anyway?

[LJayJay]

Self settling's definately not a myth but I firmly believe some kids are naturally better at it than others. Question is, can you turn a non-settler into a settler? Good sleep is 90% habit, I feel, so perhaps he's got himself into a "bad" habit? I'd suggest that the most important time of day for him to settle himself is at bedtime, then hopefully after a few days in a row of doing it then, he would more naturally be able to follow suit overnight. Can you get any help from sleep counselling-trained nursery nurses through your local health visitors?

My DD is now 4 and I've an almost 9 week old DS. Couldn't be more different in lots of ways especially sleep. But I am different too and this makes lots of difference - I had the view with my first that she must never, ever utter a cry otherwise I was being a bad parent. So every time she did cry I stuffed a boob in her mouth, mistaking every cry for hunger. I rocked, held, swung, fed or walked her to sleep and spent, literally, hours moving her slowly from breast to bed, starting the whole feed to sleep process off again if she woke "on transfer". My husband didn't see me for months during the evening, which may account for some of our problems now! By the time she was 3 we had such a huge sleep problem with her that we called in a night nanny.

With my second child, I'm totally different and much calmer. I accept he may cry and sometimes I will not understand why and won't be able to do anything about it, but that's OK. Babies cry. I think he's picked up on me being calm, so he is too. He settles himself without me trying, really - I just popped him in his cot just now whilst gathering nappy changing things, turned around and he'd gone to sleep.

Inevitably while I've been cooking tea / peeling DD off the floor after a fall / doing ten million things at once, there have beenlots of times when a tired DS has been left sittingin his bouncy chair shouting the odds and eventually has given up and gone to sleep. I'm sure this has helped him do it at night too.

I hope some of that helps!

[averagemum]

thanks ljayjay - I sound just like the kind of mum you were first time round!
I know I need to do / change something - was hoping that it would just come on its own...

[bubbleymummy]

Averagemum - there's nothing wrong with responding to your DS when they cry - that's their only way of telling you that they need something - be it fed/changed or just comforted and reassured. I think it's great that your lo is able to be put down drowsy but awake and fall asleep by himself at 5 months - the falling back asleep by himself may take a while longer but he will get there by himself when he is ready. Do you have him next to your bed while he sleeps? You may find that just putting your hand on him as he starts to stir is enough to put him back over to sleep - unless he genuinely needs a feed. I used a bedside cot with DS and found that moving closer to him so he could feel my breath on him and just placing my hand on his back that this was often enough to put him back asleep. Sometimes they just need the reassurance that you are there to feel secure and help them to sleep better. I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all - they grow out of needing us very quickly!

[LJayJay]

Also might be worth looking at the baby whisperer book; I wished I'd read the sleep section when pregnant and not when my DD was 1 yr old and already in a very difficult sleep pattern.

I, like bubbleymummy, find that just resting a hand on my son's tummy when he's fretting during the night is enough to settle him off.