DH sleeps in another Room(16 Posts)
Our 3 month old (2month corrected) DS was born & we had quite a tough time with hospital stays & SCUBU. Since we came out of SCUBU DH does not sleep in our room. DS is waking every 2-2.5 hours to feed (😵), and DH doesn't deal with lack of sleep well. Any advice on dealing with it? It upsets me that I'm left to deal with DS (he is breastfed so Feeding isn't really an option).
Oh bless you. You're doing amazing. I had the exact same problem with my husband being rubbish at no sleep and needing to get up for work. He slept downstairs on a rubbish sofa bed while me and DD stayed in our room and she was up. Fast forward to DS now being 5 months old and baby is in her nursery in her cot, sleeping through, and DH is back in the bedroom. He used to come back in the bedroom at weekends but she was SUCH a noisy sleeper that she kept DH up and then when he finally fell asleep after being exhausted HE was really noisy as he started snoring so it woke DD up. Meanwhile in the middle of them was a wide awake me!! It couldn't carry on!! So I put DS in her nursery at 8 weeks with an Angelcare monitor (I will admit for the first few nights I was glued to the screen!) but she started sleeping through that night and now sleeps 12-13 hours a night! If you're not ready yet another thing I used to do was watch a series while breast feeding in the night, so I'd look forward to the next episode when I was up in the night next! It really worked for me! Good luck and this will pass and it will get easier! Xxx
So much sympathy with this. I had a really difficult birth and my husband needed counselling afterwards to deal with it and ?PTSD. It meant he couldn’t cope with our Ds and used having to drive to work as an excuse for not helping with night feeds. If your DH is otherwise great with your DC then I would say it will pass, but if it’s annoying you then you should say something. If he makes excuses when he comes in about being tired, needing to change etc and generally avoids being around DC then it may be a bigger issue from a difficult birth / stay in hospital that he needs some help with. It may well be the former, as I know a few friends have taken this view. I used to have to get up in the night and go downstairs as DH wouldnt give up the bed. I was lucky though as the olympics were on so definitely agree with PP about having something on you want to see. It really helped me. I know it’s easy for me to say now (2yr old DS, husband loves spending time with him, DS sleeps through the night etc) but it will come good in the end. Just try and be kind to yourself. I was run ragged and it massively compromised my physical recovery, which I didn’t consider at the time. If you need help, ask for it. Good luck!
What would you like to happen? Can you meet in the middle so maybe he comes to bed with you but moves to the spare bedroom for a few hours sleep?
We have a newborn & DH has ended up in one room with DC1 & me with DC2 for the first few weeks.
Does he work OP?
We did this and tbh it worked for us. I was breastfeeding and cosleeping so could feed lying down with my eyes closed and was managing OK. There wasn't really a lot DH could do most nights and newborns ARE really noisy sleepers so he slept in the spare room. I never hesitated to wake him and get him to take a shift if I was at the end of my tether. Otherwise he just moved back in once we stopped cosleeping.
If you are breastfeeding then there is little he can do and if he's working full time, he needs to sleep. DH stayed in our bed and at weekends u used to give him DC for extensive winding !!!
DH used to sleep in the spare room when ours were tiny and breastfed BUT he made sure I got to catch up on sleep during the day at the weekend, mornings from 5am and evenings where possible.
I understand that he’s probably working and you’re breastfeeding but he still needs to be there to support you. Breastfeeding is hard and If you’ve got a frequent waker you are left feeling exhausted. I know youre saying he doesn’t do well on lack of sleep, but do you? No one really does, but you just have to find a way to deal with it. Hate to break it but it’s not just the early days that mean sleepless nights and frequent wake ups, it can happen at anytime in the first few years. At some point it’s going to get to the point where baby doesn’t need to be fed every time so DH should help.
My DS is exclusively BF and doesn’t take a bottle at all. This means I’ve done every single night feed and never had a night off yet as DS doesn’t sleep through. My partner can’t help so I make sure he does more than his fair share everyday. He gets up first thing with DS so I can have an hour and a half to myself extra. I never had any issue waking him in the night if I needed him even just for moral support. I actually used to make him sleep with DS in the spare room some nights when I was really tired so that I wasn’t disturbed by each of them as much and he would just bring DS to me each time.
I would have a conversation and tell DH how you feel or you may just bottle it up and it’ll ger worse.
You are doing a fantastic job, and remember looking after a baby is a full time job too.
My DH does sleep in our room but I breastfeed so do all the night feeds and he rarely wakes up. To be honest, I'd rather he went in another room as his snoring disrupts DS sometimes! I think it's quite common for people to sleep apart at this stage.
As for your sleep - are you getting enough? I used to feed DS before DH got home at that age and then hand him over when DH arrived so I could nap. I also get to lie in both Saturday and Sunday after the first feeds so I can catch up a bit more then. DH also has started to get up with DS when he wakes at 4.30/5am (as this is our new wake up time apparently - oh the joys) and watch him for a bit before work so I squeeze in an extra hour.
It's all good and well making sure your DH can go to work etc but you need sleep too. I never really understand people who prioritise men's jobs over caring for a new born - I would say looking after my son is way more responsibility and a lot more exhausting than my full time career (not that I'm saying you're doing this, but lots of friends and relatives say this to me - "oh make sure DH isn't too disturbed- he has work!") Anyway, my point is - make sure you are getting to rest too!
DH sleeps on the sofa if Ds looks like he's going to have a rough night. I deal with most of the night but the deal is he's had more sleep so has to pick up the slack practically.
I think it sucks for him because it often means he comes home.from.work, washes bottles,has Ds, cooks dinner, tidies the days chaos, etc, but he'd rather have a full nights sleep. I pretty much treat everything around the house as optional for me and do do a fair amount but not if I've dealt with a rough night
My partner also sleeps on the sofa some nights. Out son is 5 weeks old and is awake every 2-3 hours. We don't like to be separate but he does shift work so we new to keep an eye how much sleep he gets.
When he's home he does housework and cooking and on his days off he sleeps the night with us and gets up early with the baby to give me two-three hours of lovely uninterrupted sleep.
What do you want your DH to be doing at night? Does your DS need lots of winding/settling that he could actually help with, or is he a feed, conk out kind of baby? Mine were both EBF, and very much of the wake/feed/back to sleep variety (no winding/rocking etc necessary) so I did all the night wakings because there wasn't anything for DH to do. DH slept through it all anyway because he's a heavy sleeper! He used to take over early morning though and give me a baby free couple of hours sleep before work.
Obviously, if your DS needs lots of night time settling other than the actual feeding, then your DH needs to be doing a share of that. And personally my view is that yes he should be doing a share of it even during the week when he's working. I've never understood the argument that the dad gets a free pass on night waking during the week because he's working. Yes, working on not enough sleep is hard, but so is looking after small babies on not enough sleep. Not everyone can catch up sleep during the day (mine would only ever nap on me/in pram). Disclaimer: different rules apply if dad is an HGV driver/neuro surgeon.
Honestly I used to almost get annoyed with DH for not waking at night when I had a newborn, but when he did and said ‘what can I do to help’ I was like oh, well actually nothing because I’m breastfeeding. He got in the way more than anything it’s really hard but I think you get used to it x
What do you want to happen? It sounds totally normal at this stage and it doesn't last forever. I never saw the point of us both being sleep deprived but my husband was able to give me a rest when he was around
Can he have DS early mornings (after you feed) so that you can get some extra sleep? Or come and have a cuddle with you in bed just before sleep and first thing in the morning so he is only in another room for the actual sleeping bit. I think you just need to feel you aren't totally alone with it all. Well done, it sounds like you're doing a great job in what must be difficult circumstances!
@Misstomrs I'm debating whether it may be he needs someone else to talk to now you mention it. We didn't have a difficult birth(other than than shock if DS being so early), but SCUBU was pretty stressful. DS will take a bottle, so he can have EBM or formula if need be. But DH doesn't get up unless DS is screaming x
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