11 month old - at my wits end

[MissOnomer]

I have a DD who is almost 1 year old.

I have got ourselves into a mess with regard to sleep habits and I don't know what to do.

DD usually falls asleep at night having her bottle and transfers into her cot. However she wakes up multiple times and can only go back to sleep if her hand is held. She cries if you try and sit next to the cot and not hold her hand. This can happen 5-6 times between 7pm and 11pm and means time with DS is fragmented and getting anything done (packed lunches, ironing etc) is really hard. I usually take her into bed between 11pm and 1pm as she always wakes and she sleeps contentedly until morning.

I thought I should try teaching her to self settle, rather than using me as a sleep aid. So for the last two nights I I put her into her cot awake after milk and held her hand for a bit and then went away. She cried so I came back after 5 minutes and held her hand until she calmed down and then left again. This repeated on and on until midnight when she slept for a couple of hours.

She then woke at 2am and cried - I called out to her that I was still there but it was sleep time - she cried some more then was quiet for ten minutes. She then cried some more, I called out to her that it was sleep time, she cried some more then was briefly quiet before crying again. This went on until 5 am when I could not bear it any longer and brought her into bed and she settled until 730am

What can I do? I need to have some time in the evening without her to focus on DS. But I am wrecked from listening to her cry. Please help.

[FATEdestiny]

Will she go from awake to asleep in the cot if you stay and hold her hand, without trying yo leave until she's sound asleep?

Instead of bringing her into your bed at night, I'd have a cot next to my bed and be doing the hand holding thing - this teaches her that the place to sleep is in her cot.

[MissOnomer]

HI FATE yes she will go to sleep
If I stay and hold her hand. But she keeps waking up and I have to do it over again. Poor DS is getting no attention in the evening

[FATEdestiny]

I think she is waking up because you are sneaking out before she is asleep.

Have you tried holding her hand to go to sleep. Then when she's calm and settled, instead of sneeking out just let go of her hand but stay right there. Wait until she is fully and completely asleep.

If she gets unsettled, hold her hand again. When she's calm, stay there with her and wait. Stay until she's fully asleep. Over time she will learn to trust you will stay with her when she relaxes, not vanish as soon as she tries to close her eyes. Then slowly reduce how close she needs you to be.

[FATEdestiny]

What is she sleeping in the daytime?

[MissOnomer]

She tends to nap in the pram or in the car, or on me. I haven't established a proper daytime routine which probably doesn't help.

[FATEdestiny]

That definately won't be helping. She could well be over tired.

Is your DS at school? What does your your average day look like at the moment?

[MissOnomer]

An average day is something like this...
0700 wake up, have breakfast
0840 put in buggy walk to school and then to shops
0915 home have milk
0950 walk to play group
10-1130 playgroup
1130 walk back from playgroup - sometimes falls asleep for half an hour max
12 lunch
1330 milk and cuddle often falls asleep on me, sometimes can transfer to buggy or cot - usually half an hour max
1400 play at home or go for walk
1630 walk to collect DS from activity - sometimes naps for twenty minutes in pushchair
1700 home awake while I cook
1730 tea time
1830 bath time, milk
1900 bed

[FATEdestiny]

So that doesn't look like anywhere near enough sleep to me.

A baby who's over tired and exhausted tends to find it harder (and take longer) to get to sleep, sleeps more lightly and so wakes more easily. Is also likely to be clingy and demanding when awake - meaning you have less time with your older child.

I have four children. At 12 months old our routine would be:

• 7am wake / breakfast / get ready
  
• 8.30am school run
  
• 9am nap time in cot
  
• 11am wake from nap time if not already awake.
  
• 11-12.30pm fit in anything I needed to do out of the house during school day.
  
• 12.30pm dinner
  
• 1pm naptime in cot
  
• 3pm wake from nap
  
• 3.15pm school run
  
• 4pm reading / homework / spellings with school children
  
• 4.30pm cooking meal
  
• 5.30pm dinner time
  
• 7.30pm bedtime routine starts
  
• 7.30/8pm asleep (youngest two)
  
• 9pm bedtime for oldest two
  

For bedtime and nap time I would stay by the cot. Hold hands until asleep. Don't move. Let go of hand and wait without moving until asleep. Takes 5-10 min usually, for me. No more more than 15m. Then over time, slowly reduce the dependency on your presence.

[MissOnomer]

Crumbs! If I could pull that off it would be amazing!

[pikapoo]

Agree with FATE that your DD is likely overtired at night as not getting enough sleep during the day. My DS doesn't sleep anywhere near as much as FATE's DCs did, but at 11 months he was doing a morning nap of 40 minutes and an afternoon nap of 1.5-2 hours.

[FATEdestiny]

Crumbs! If I could pull that off it would be amazing!

But if you take baby out all morning, you're not likely to get a morning nap. Which then leads to exhaustion and a mis-timed nap just before lunch. Which then makes for a poor afternoon nap.

I would sack off all morning activities. For now. Pick them up when baby is having a more established single lunchtime nap.

Instead come home from the morning school run and get baby in the cot having a nap. Aim for at least a 45m nap at 9.15am ish.

Then use the time after waking in the morning through to lunchtime to get out the house if you need to.

Home and lunch by 12.30. Asleep by 1-1.30pm

[MissOnomer]

It's 9:50 baby asleep in her cot now. Just made a cuppa

[FATEdestiny]

Enjoy your cuppa. Don't let her sleep too long otherwise she won't go to sleep after dinner.

[SweepTheHalls]

What a positive start!

[lornathewizzard]

Just to add about the morning, 10.5mo DS is ready for his first nap about 2 hrs after wake time. If we have to go out and he just has a mini car nap then he's much more disrupted. I never really wanted to be one to stay in the house dictated by naps but I try to make sure at least a few times a week we have more time in the house to get him some good naps. Much to 3yo DDs boredom!

[MissOnomer]

Woke her at 10:20, lunch at 1215 and into cot by 1.00.

Lunch nap started well with being able to leave her after 10 minutes hand holding but a poo woke her up after 20 minutes. Curses!!

After being changed then some rocking and hand holding she dozed for forty minutes but didn't go off into a proper sleep and wouldn't let go of my hand. I had to go downstairs to get something out the oven so got her up at 1430.

So let's see what tonight brings. Hopefully she'll be a bit more rested and hopefully I'll be able to get downstairs to be with DS.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement folks.

[MissOnomer]

Grrrr! She went down beautifully, then woke up 45 minutes later screaming and took another 30 minutes hand holding to go to sleep. Then woke again 30 minutes later and took another 30 minutes handholding to go to sleep.

Any ideas??

[MissOnomer]

And there she goes again. FFS.

[Deebee1983]

Hi! Sorry to hear about your sleep issues...it's soooo hard dealing with this! I was at wits end and a friend advised me to get a sleep consultant ...I was reluctant but was also going slightly insane so I did it and haven't looked back. It's really amazing. Costs £300 so not cheap really but a bargain for what you get back in sleep! Basically they ask you for loads of detail on baby sleep habits and give you a plan to follow. Maybe it's the fact that you're paying for it so more likely to stick to it but it 100% works. We used a lady called Andrea grace and found her very good. I was just getting some many opinions and trying so many different things ...I just needed one voice of reason. good luck!!

[FATEdestiny]

She's not just going to snap into a new routine MissOnomer. It'll take a bit of time and consistancy to get her used to it.

Carry on with your morning nap and afternoon nap in the cot.

At bedtime I would stay holding her hand until in a deeper sleep. Waking so quickly suggests baby is still in a light sleep when you leave, not in a deep sleep. I'd let go of her hand when first asleep, but don't leave.

I didn't move baby's cot into the nursery until 12 months. So at 11 months I used to settle baby in the cot then lie on my bed for half an hour while baby settles into a deep sleep. No direct interaction needed, but baby was always confident and secure that I was there and not seeking out until sound asleep and no longer needed.

[MissOnomer]

I've really tried with the daytime sleep today but really struggling with after lunch.

The morning nap was fine: got drowsy taking her milk and went to sleep holding my hand. Stayed 10 minutes after asleep to make sure. She woke twenty minutes later, so thirty minutes sleep.

Lunch was the same but woke after twenty minutes having done a poo. No amount of rocking, singing, cuddling, hand holding helped, she would not go back to sleep and is now very grumpy.

Also I am staying until she is properly asleep in the evening, it's just she wakes after 40 minutes. I spent 5 lots of 30 minutes settling her last night between 8 and midnight. It's very wearing and is difficult with DS when I keep disappearing to spend half an hour to settle his sister again. I wouldn't mind spending the time if she stayed asleep!

[FATEdestiny]

That pop sounds like a problem. If he didn't poo then I assume he's stay asleep.

Is it the only poo of the day? Could you swap around the type of food you give at lunchtime? Less fruit.

[MissOnomer]

She's a frequent pooer 😄Today has been typical. One this morning when she woke up, one after breakfast just before school run, one at the end of morning nap and one interrupting the afternoon nap.

It's not unusual for her to poo once she's gone to bed in the evening either requiring a whole resettle.

[MissOnomer]

Today she had:
porridge for breakfast,
a breadstick and a rice wafer for a snack
egg mayo sandwich (threw most of it on floor) bits of tomato and avocado, banana and yoghurt at lunch
For tea we'll be having salmon, potato and broccoli and a yoghurt for pud.

[FATEdestiny]

Would it be easier to wait until she's done poo and then put her down for a nap?