It takes as long as it takes really but I want to feel like I'm making some progress.
Ok, well you can do that. Two important things first
(a) Babies need some form of comfort to sleep. "Self settling" would more accurately be described as "independant settling". Babies are not left with no comfort.
So over time you need to replace parental settling techniques with independant settling methods. Cuddling a special toy, snuggling a blankie, sucking a dummy, thumb, muslin.
(b) Have realistic expectations in terms of time frame, as mentioned in my post above.
I am happy to rock/cuddle him to sleep, hold his hand while he dozes off
- Your start point is holding his hand and rocking to fully asleep in your arms (let's say this is 30m of rocking) and gently put down without waking him
- Aim to rock for 20 mins holding his hand. Then stand still holding him and his hand and cuddling to a comforter. Then into cot with comforter, hold hand for a few minutes (and hope he doesn't wake, if he does start again)
- Once this is accepted, rock for 10 mins, cuddle for 20 with comforter. Into cot with comforter hold hand.
- once accepted, rock for 5 mins, stand still cuddling until asleep in your arms while holding his hand and snuggling to comforter.
- Then aim to reach the point where you no longer rock to sleep. Just hold baby's hand and snuggle baby with comforter.
(To get to this point may mean several going up and down the gradual withdrawal method. Maybe you have to take a step back and rock more when he's poorly, then move back up the steps afterwards. In the end you'll get to the point where you are no longer rocking to sleep at all. Congratulate yourself on the progress you've made)
- Say you cuddle baby in your arms (with comforter and hand hold) for 45 minutes to get baby to sleep. Aim for 40 minutes when you put baby down (asleep) then lean into te cot for 5 minutes holding hand, snuggling baby to comforter.
- Dont move on until the step above (40 mind + 5 mins) is full embedded and becomes the norm. Then aim for 35 minute cuddle then 10 mins cuddling into the cot until baby is fully asleep
- don't move on until this is established and gradually decrease the cuddle time by a few minutes at each step. At each step keep on staying until asleep, with gradually more in-cot cuddling and gradually less out-of-cot settling.
(Again, you may need to go up and down these steps a few times when extra comfort is needed. Set your expectations by the time baby is being settled fully in the cot you will still need to stay with baby for extended time until fully asleep. To get to the point may take many, many months, unless you tolerate distress and speed it up)
Then starts the gradual process of withdrawing from the room.
- lean into cot to settle until asleep
- lean into cot to settle whenever upset, stand next to cot when quiet.
- settle for a few mins then just stand by cot until asleep
- settle in cot, stand facing side-on to cot. Stay until asleep
- Settle in cot, stand next to cot facing doorway. Stay until asleep
- settle in cot. Stand a step away from cot facing doorway
- settle in cot, stand in doorway. Stay until asleep
- settle in cot. Keep door open. Say you are popping to bathroom. Come back and stay until asleep.
- settle in cot, wait at doorway for a minute or so, busy yourself upstairs popping back to doorway every minute or so. Close do it when asleep
- promise to stay upstairs while going to sleep. Close bedroom do it once asleep.
- promise to stay upstairs while going to sleep but close door as soon as you leave the room
And then comes....
Drum roll....
Put child in cot with comforter. Say Nan night. Close door. And that's it
It takes a long time and lots of patience. But you can do this without creatibg distress, if you want to.