Putting 10 week old down after night feeds!

[Kayleigh735]

Hi everyone, my first post here.

I'm actually posting on behalf of my wife who's having a torrid time at the moment. We have a 10 week old girl who was 2 weeks premature and had to be forceps delivered, other than that all seems well and is gaining weight as she should.

Around 2 weeks ago she had a tongue tie separated which seems to have helped with winding and her first injections which were awful. In fact, it seems nothing has been quite the same since and were 2+ weeks on.

In the evenings she will go to sleep in my wife's arms around 8pm after a feed and, typically, sleep until around 11pm when we're in bed until her next feed. This is where the fun and games start. She's in a next to me cot as of last night instead of the moses basket. She begins to stir for a feed so my wife immediately feeds (we're still using Infacol too although I'm not sure of the point - been using it since 3 weeks old when the tongue tie seemed to be causing air intake which resulted in loads of wind) and after a 10-15 minute feed attempts to put baby back down. After this, she will not settle. She won't cry but rather just be wide awake and gurgling, grunting and making all sorts of "awake" and daytime noises if that makes sense. The room is pitch black and the area is silent.

So from around 11:30-6:30 my wife and I get broken sleep in small blocks as she won't go off between feeds. One thing that does seem to help is if my wife lays her on her chest, not feeding, but that way she will settle but of course wife can't sleep as she's worried she'll fall off.

Her "routine" is have a bath at around 7pm, then a feed, then into her sleeping bag (1 tog - she doesn't appear hot and the room has a fan on) in my wife's arms for the evening. This is probably when my wife gets most of her sleep - these 2-3hrs in the evening when the baby is with her.

It's a bit weird as she doesn't really cry that much at night, just is properly wide awake. There are no lights on in the night, no communication, no noise so it's difficult to understand it's environment related. For what it's worth, in the early weeks she slept MUCH better, often only waking once or twice through the night, 3-4hrs for a feed. It's got much worse whereas people try and convince us as time goes on it gets better.

We've had her checked at the GP and no problems. She also, as of this week, seems to actually hate me, likely properly hate me. I took her for 5 minutes the other morning whilst my wife did her porridge and she went from smiling and gurgling to full on screaming to the point where she couldn't breathe and was coughing in such a state. I handed her back and within 10 seconds, silence. Whilst this apparent sudden hatred doesn't particularly bother me (the screaming really does, whatever idiot says "It's different when it's your own" is deluded - it's annoying full stop) it just piles more pressure on my wife and they're just attached 24/7 which can't be helping, but then you do whatever gives you peace I suppose.

I suppose it's just a phase and will get better in time but our relationship dynamic given my job (12-14hr days managing a fast paced factory) is that I'm the stressed and miserable one and my wife is always the positive one, and this is the first time in 10 years I've seen her waver and become down. It worries me. Any help or advice is appreciated. I've suggested placing her in her moses basket in the garage, but apparently this isn't the done thing.

The last line was a joke by the way. Honest.

Thanks all

[Kayleigh735]

I forgot to say my wife is exclusively breast feeding. I understand the premise of expressing so I can do some night feeds however my wife wakes long before I do in any case so any apparent gain would be short lived and minimal.

[BastardBernie]

I think the problem stems from your wife holding her all evening tbh. There's gonna be tears to get out this cycle but something has to change

[SaladMonkeySalad]

Currently going through a milder version of the same. The grunting and grimacing through the night, agh - torture! You sound more kind and helpful than my husband though (jealous!!) - but it is our no 3

What has worked a bit for us this time

-Swaddling with a large, light muslin

-White noise app on my phone to settle baby after feeds, this really minimises the grunting

-Sleepyhead baby cocoon thingy instead of baby always in arms. We keep it next to us in the day too

-expressed bottle given by husband at 11pm, so I can at least sleep 10pm-2am

HTH :)

[boatyroo]

Is your wife putting her straight down after feeding? I have a 14 week old and had some similar issues but now after feeding I have him propped upright against my legs(my knees are bent and he's on my lap leaning against my knees if that makes sense). He usually falls asleep while feeding or shortly after then I hold him like this for 20 minutes, then can put him down and he stays well asleep. Not ideal in that every waking takes longer, but means I get more sleep in between!
In his case it's probably caused by some reflux, but it might be worth trying.
I don't think holding her all evening would cause issues at this age, I often do that too.

[FATEdestiny]

Try a dummy

Try a swaddle, tight around shoulders and arms, loose around hips sms kegs

Try a bouncy chair during the daytime

If all else fails and you are both miserable, try formula milk

[Kayleigh735]

Hi everyone, thanks for responding.

For reference, we're using a dummy, maybe too much? Who knows. Her arms and legs are ALWAYS on the go in the night, so much so I believe she wakes herself or at least keeps herself once awake. Last night for example I could hear and feel her banging the mattress with her hands and legs, for such a little person it's hardly surprising she keeps herself, any everyone else, awake. Presumably this is normal too?

We have a bouncy chair which again, if she's asleep you can put her down for a short while, probably 10 minutes or so before she realises - then screams. Same with the swingy chair thing. It does seem that unless she's being held and swayed she will not settle.

Perhaps we're expecting too much from a 10 week old person, however the sleepless nights are doing us both in. I guess this is what we signed up for eh!

[DropYourSword]

I feel your pain. I am surviving on 3 hours sleep a night now. DS is 4 months old and hasn't slept well since birth. He also had a tongue and lip tie release , and suffers from silent reflux. Its miserable at times.
Things that have helped us;

• routine. Just like you're doing, bath, feed etc. Tty to put him down, don't push it if it doesn't work
  
• day sleeps. I had no idea how important it is for them to get good sleep during the day. Sleep begets more sleep! You'd think they sleep worse at night if they've napped well during the day. Hell no!
  
• swaddle wrap thing. I swear unless I pin his arms down in this strait jacket swaddle wrap, he would never sleep. He flails his arms around and it keeps him awake
  
• white noise
  
• it gets better! Or maybe you just get more used to it! They are in the 4th trimester right now, and need lots of love, support and contact. It won't always be this way, even if it feels like it will right now!

[Coconut0il]

It really will get better. My DS2 fed all the time for the first 3 months. He stayed with me almost all the time, he wouldn't be held or settle for anyone else. It was a tough time. We co slept from night 1 and I just got comfy on the sofa and fed him as much as possible during the day. DP would bring me snacks and drinks and he took over every thing else in the house. As for sleeping I went to bed with DS2, I did all the night feeds but DP would take him downstairs for a few hours at 5 so I could have some uninterrupted sleep. DP would sometimes sleep on the sofa and get a few hours in so we weren't both shattered.
Once he was more interested in his toys/ play mat it was easier for DP to distract him for a little while. Right up until about 10 months he hated the pushchair and would prefer to be held so walks didn't really work.
He's just gone 1 now and I still settle him to sleep with bf but DP can take him out and about and generally do much more with him. 10 weeks is still so very little, she hardly knows she is a separate person from your wife. Personally I would follow your DD's lead and tell your wife she's doing a fab job.