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Feel guilty about CIO last night.

(23 Posts)
lightsandshapes Fri 12-Apr-13 13:28:50

Hiya, last night my ds who is 16 months cried and cried and cried. He woke at 12 then at 2, then 3 and cried til 4am. Thats when I was at the end of my rope and put him in his crib in his own room where he cried himself to sleep (it took about thirty mins). An hr later I went in to check and put a cover on him. I never normally do this and ama against cio but inwas starting to feel agitated so this was the safest thing to do. I had to work the next day and felt so so exhausted. Dh refused to get up and help despite being on holiday from work (he's a teacher). I feel so so guilty for not being there for ds. Especially if he was teething or in some kind of pain. He always wants to breastfeed when he wakes. This is also exhausting. I'm finding it so hard to combine work and being on form with giving him the comfort he needs in the night. Dh is no help and thinks my approach is at fault and I should just leave him to cry.

Middlesexmummy Fri 12-Apr-13 13:43:46

Hi , I'm sorry to hear that , I work full time as well and am up for all the night stuff, what s your ds s routine during the day , his naps and does he go down easily at bed time ?

lightsandshapes Fri 12-Apr-13 14:00:49

He naps for an hr or 2 midday and goes down usually easily between 7.30 and 9 pm x

lightsandshapes Fri 12-Apr-13 14:01:39

Ps sorry to hear you have to be up in the night and work full time too. Is in normal for dhs dips to be crap at getting up, or have I got a bad one?

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:06:29

Oh I'm so sorry to hear ow tired you are. It's awful!

I don't think you should do CIO if it makes you feel bad, it is just placing me stress with another.

I think your husbands being very unfair here. He should get up and help.

Could you co-sleep and go to bed at 8pm for a few nights just to get some sleep caught up before tackling the whole problem?

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 12-Apr-13 14:06:33

sad Sorry you're having a tough time. Your DP should get up as well, definitely!

I don't think one night of crying when you were at the end of your tether will have harmed DS long term, so don't worry about it - but you're right that it's not great as a "method" or long term solution.

What would be your ideal solution (if DP was supportive) and what would be his? Does he really think that full on CIO is the answer? Can you come to some sort of compromise e.g. a gentler form of sleep training or is he a kind of all or nothing guy/sees DS as totally your responsibility?

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:07:13

Shocking typing, sorry! Should read 'replacing one stress with another'.

Middlesexmummy Fri 12-Apr-13 14:13:30

Hi there, my dh works shifts , days and nights so it's q difficult for him to get up but on his rest days and time off he does get up ( if I let him lol)
I did a combination of CIO and ssh ssh pat pat but never let her get really hysterical , this was from the age if about 9 months. She goes down easily but does wake up from time to time however does settle q quickly unless she is Ill. L night was case in point as she s teething and had a bad night
What are your dh s reasons for not getting up to help in the holidays?

lightsandshapes Fri 12-Apr-13 14:13:36

Thank you for the reassurance yoni, I feel like a crap mum at the moment for doing it.

Good idea about going to bed at 8pm and co sleeping. I guess I will just have to get used to not having any time to myself for a few days.

Incredible as it is, dh does actually thank that we should shut him in his room at bedtime and leave him there until morning, regardless of crying. It really is a very extreme view IMHO.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 12-Apr-13 14:14:51

That is extreme. sounds like my ex. What would your solution be ideally?

Middlesexmummy Fri 12-Apr-13 14:21:57

I didn't co sleep with my dd unless she was really Ill, I just bit the bullet and tried to keep it contained to her room and her cot . For me I think that works well as it gets her used to her own room. I definitely don't agree that leaving a baby in the room crying all night is acceptable though letting them cry and returning to reassure is ok as long as you can work whether the crying is through tiredness or something more
It's hard when you work full time , I'm hoping it will get better

ct148 Fri 12-Apr-13 16:15:54

Your dh sounds a lot like mine (lots of arguments re sleeping in this house)
I would prefer to co sleep but dh against it so DS is in a cot in own room (unless ill)
DS is a rubbish sleeper and dh has tried on countless occasions to make me leave DS in his room to cio and can't understand why I'm so against it. I prefer to do gradual withdrawal. Have you tried this?
Dh has also never got up to DS in the night, and DS is 19 months!

Victoria2002 Sat 13-Apr-13 09:13:17

I had success in 2/3 nights with CC, BUT it IS heart-wrenching, to do it successfully I think you need to make a firm plan and stick to it, ideally with support. At 16m I think it can work for you if you want to, but as other people said you need to take time to decide what it is you would like to achieve and what methods are acceptable/unacceptable for you. Please don't feel guilty your baby has not been harmed-give them loads of extra love today and be kind to yourself. It does sound like your family would benefit from a sleep solution though. Do your health visitors offer sleep support? In Kensington and Chelsea they have a special service for sleep advice and support. It's great to be hand-held through it as it's so hard to waiver if there's any night-weaning or CC involved in your plan. Good luck

lightsandshapes Sat 13-Apr-13 10:31:12

Thanks Victoria,mow I hadn't heard of sleep support. We a in darkest rural Wales, so I'm not sure what they offer. I co slept last night from 9pm to 5am with only a couple of wake ups, so much better overall. Though I did refuse one 5.30 nursing session as I felt sooooo dehydrated and antsy at which point he bit me and I shouted at him as it hurt so much blush is this normal? Felt guilty for shouting, but I just felt like he was attacking me as he could get what he wanted

lightsandshapes Sat 13-Apr-13 10:31:44

Ct148..... Your house sounds a bit like ours (hugs) x

nellyjelly Sat 13-Apr-13 10:38:33

Maybe think of night weaning. 16 months in, he is probably waking for milk and nutritionally he doesn't need it. I did this, one feed at a time. It was hard, me and DH took turns sitting by his cot with our hand on his back, trying to settle him. Worked eventually and he slept through.

Or you could continue to bf and cosleep. That would be an alternative.

MandragoraWurzelstock Sat 13-Apr-13 10:45:06

I don't see this as CIO. (and I'm about the most anti CIO you can get, I even hate CC) I think it was a one off and sounds like you did all you could just about.

Only thing I'd say is, bring him in with you if he is inconsolable, they often settle better that way - and also make sure he wasn't in pain, calpol if they're teething, etc.

Don't feel bad. We've all lost the plot a bit at times xx

MandragoraWurzelstock Sat 13-Apr-13 10:46:10

Your dh is talking about it as a policy - that's the difference. and accidental one off and a policy as though it were some kind of solution, which as you know it isn't.

You are right and he is wrong xx

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 13-Apr-13 10:52:32

You're in an incredibly stressful situation. FWIW my policy on unhelpful spouses is that if they're not willing to put the work in (or their "idea" for helping is unhelpful or downright harmful, which CIO as a method is - not as a one off as Mandragora says, it's different) then there's no reason to listen to their ideas, you do whatever you please which gets you through.

lightsandshapes Sat 13-Apr-13 10:56:23

Thanks mandra your post is so reassuring. Im totally attachment orientated too, which is why I felt bad. But youre right, it's different as a one off. I guess we don't all meet our high standards sometimes. I think there may have been teething pain blush which I missed

lightsandshapes Sat 13-Apr-13 10:58:21

Thanks yoni, dh is away canoeing this weekend so it will be snuggles in bed all the way. Does feel like we are on different planets sometimes - mars n venus!smile

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 13-Apr-13 11:01:58

It's not helpful when your partner is like that I agree smile My ex was the same and it drove us apart in the end - he was totally stubborn, everything was black and white and he didn't agree with the idea of compromise! Total nightmare!

Enjoy your snuggles smile I loved snuggling with DS when he used to co sleep.

TheBakeryQueen Mon 15-Apr-13 21:04:53

Your dh's idea to leave him all night regardless of whether he cries is quite simply, stupid. He could be ill or leg trapped in cot, you have to at least check.

You sound like a good mum & we all have 'end of tether' moments like yours. You won't have harmed him.

I'd sort out the night feeds first and aim to cut them out if possible. He is old enough not to need milk during the night & I would offer water instead.

See if that helps.

Wishing you sleep smile

I think the next 'problem' to be fixed is your unhelpful partner. I'd head over to relationships.

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