Phantom Orgasms - any advice?

[MySuperSecretName]

I’m 37, with hubby 16 years. Have 1 kid and pregnant with next:

I had ELCS and all was fine. But since I was pregnant the first time I have been unable to have a good orgasm apart from 1 time about a year ago.

The physical spasm thing happens but there’s very dull pleasure.

I have tried to masturbate and got new toys but it doesn’t really help.

My pelvic floor is okay - I’d say 8/10 compared to before. I should do more kegels

My marriage went thru a rocky patch about 1.5 years ago for at least 6 months and our sex life diminished

We were okay again and were having sex one time and I was asking my husband to touch me a certain way (he is a bit heavy handed when using his fingers) .. and he just said ‘are you sure this is what you want to be doing’ - and he meant -
Giving him instructions

It became awkward and he said that he would prefer to have more natural sensual sex

I said that I was struggling to Have a good orgasm - they were very dull (before this i didn’t want to say it or jinx it) and he just said ‘ well my orgasm aren’t the same as they used to be get over it - sex is more about intimacy’... I felt really dismissed and haven’t been willing to discuss it again as I found his attitude to me opening up really disappointing

We did talk the next day a bit and I asked him if his orgasms have dulled when wanking (he wanks A LOT with porn obviously - I go to sleep about 4 hours before him) and he said they’ve always been the same (inference - good)

I’m now currently 10 weeks pregnant and having a really hard time with morning sickness - bed bound kind of thing.

Well - today I had a work crisis and left at 7 in the car - he was WFH (rare) and at about 11am I had to swing by the house to collect something..

When I walk in to the KITCHEN - all I see is porn on the laptop on the kitchen table - massive blow job taking place In our small flat.

Now I’m feeling just a bit put out

I made a huge effort to have sex with him on Saturday night and had the same dull pleasure

I felt it was a bit of a break Thru as it was the 1st time in 10 weeks (so ill!!!) and it was more connected than it’s been in such a long time

So

I’m basically just upset that I’ve lost my ability to orgasm and he’s just constantly wanking and seems to derive more pleasure from that then having sexual with me

I’ve tried to look up online things to do with orgasm but it’s mostly about not having one


I know my vagina spasms and I can feel a release

It’s just the actual pleasure is blocked

Has this happened to anyone?

A ‘phantom orgasm’

And what should I do about it

PS - I love and fancy my husband and vice versa - he is a dual parent in every way and fantastic partner: we have good connection and lots of fun day to day

Thanks for your advice xx

[MySuperSecretName]

Just to clarify - I walked in on him having a massive wank watching porn (not cheating)

[Brahms3rdracket]

I've experienced similar, and also not being able to reach orgasm. It started during my third, and last, pregnancy and continued on and off. I'm now mid forties and definitely perimenopausal, so I think it's related to hormone fluctuations.

It's mostly ok but sometimes not as intense. My partner has been really understanding though and that's helped try different toys etc.

[MySuperSecretName]

Thanks for sharing - and nice to hear it’s up and down - not all down.

I will try more things!!

[xpc316e]

I feel that not unnaturally you are bringing together two things - your orgasm issues (which were existing before you discovered him wanking) and his wanking. The issues are not totally separate (because finding him wanking has made you feel even worse), but deserve to be addressed with some degree of separation.

[Mamabear1990]

I have had this happen before and it's so disappointing /frustrating! I've had it when masturbating and I think it has a lot to do with your state of mind.
It does sound like you are stressed and it might be affecting your ability to let go and stay in the moment? Or stopping you getting fully turned on?

If he's feeling like he can't pleasure you, it's a horrible cycle of awareness and awkwardness. It's not sexy to feel like you're not giving someone pleasure, maybe his ego is a bit bruised.
Sounds like you both need to have sex where you're not thinking about it too much. I would suggest masturbating yourself and maybe watching porn to see if you can find the spark again then you won't be fixating on the problem when you're having sex with him and he won't notice you're distracted?

[Ziege]

I had a similar experience: My husband and I had very rare to no sex at all for a long period. Small children, always tired and somehow I felt no desire at all. I thought maybe if I try masturbating I could learn again to feel some sexual desire but it did not work: it took ages and resulted in what you describe as phantom orgasm. Very disappointing and worse than no orgasm because it felt like I had completely lost my sexuality. I tried to forget about it .... The good news is, it became normal again! I have no idea how or why (maybe simply more sleep?) I think my orgasms are even better than before, but that might be because i had just forgotten how good it was. I don’t think the reason for my phantom orgasm was emotional; I think I simply had no desire and forcing it did not make it. In my case, I think tiredness was part of the reason that I did not have any desire and also that we sadly had got used to not having sex. I’m in my mid-forties btw.

[SynchroSwimmer]

Possibly check out vitamin B12 and deficiency - deficiency affects sensory nerve endings among other things.

I take a freely available daily B12 supplement.

Initially had to have a course of injections to get my levels restored - and the sensory effect after that was astonishing.

Maybe do your own research. Don’t know about use of B12 in pregnancy.