Is he just not that in to me?

(11 Posts)
Whathewhatnow Fri 22-Nov-19 07:36:44

Ive recently been getting quite emotionally close to a male acquaintance I've known for a couple of years. We've been having big deep and meaningful conversations, lots of startlingly intense eye contact, hugging a bit too long etc. Basically: chemistry and closeness. All good.

My sense was that we are heading toward the bedroom. I would give it a go, although I have been out of the game for quite a while... both 40s by the way.

However, during a drunk phone conversation about our respective sex lives recently he said some things that have made me wonder if he has a sexual problem.

During drunk convo he let slip that he hasn't had sex for a long time... how long, I'm not quite sure, but certainly several years and possibly more than 10. He also said that with previous partners he couldnt come inside them. We talked about wanking, honestly, all sorts, and from this it appears no issues when taking care of himself. All this sex talk was initatied by him by the way. I'm no prude but he is startlingly open by and large...

In the midst of all this rather frank (!) discussion, he said "let's not f***; it messes everything up". Not exactly a propos of nothing as clearly we had been talking about sex but it felt like a strange interjection somehow.

I am completely willing to accept the old adage that he just ain't in to me and let me tell you, I am far from irresistible smile someone saying 'let's not fuck' is fairly clear is it not?? I am just left with this niggling sense that more might be going on.

Asking anything direct seems quite intrusive despite the fact we can have really quite frank discussions, as evidenced above. OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to proposition him if he seems not to want it ....
Views please!

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BillHadersNewWife Fri 22-Nov-19 08:14:09

He's either enjoying dangling you on a string or he has erectile dysfunction.

Either way, I couldn't be arsed....I'm also in my 40s. At our age, you need to know what you want and go and get it.

NameChangeNugget Fri 22-Nov-19 08:37:48

Sounds like an elaborate way of saying he’s not into you.

Good thing I think for you, he has issues

Whathewhatnow Fri 22-Nov-19 09:01:57

Thanks both. I don't think he is a dangler but could be wrong.
One to draw a line under I think. I want someone who wants me and you know... can do stuff.

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noego Fri 22-Nov-19 10:02:56

It could be for a number of reasons, from aromantic ACE to sexual dysfunction and you shouldn't take it personally.
If you want sex as part of a loving relationship and he doesn't then the truth is you're incompatible.
But you haven't had the conversation yet as to why............

Startinover Fri 22-Nov-19 12:01:18

I wonder how he would react if u casually mentioned u had a torrent urself a 'friend' 4 all that kinda stuff.

Startinover Fri 22-Nov-19 12:01:48



Whathewhatnow Fri 22-Nov-19 12:56:54

Aromantic ACE, I had to look that up.... certainly possible altho he had a long relationship at one point. It's really quite hard to not take it personally! But intellectually I know you're right.
@Startinover hmmm... couple of weeks ago I did say to him that some friends were trying to encourage me to join Tinder and get out there. I asked him if he used it and he just looked.... anxious and a bit sad, and said "no". Which I did think at the time was a bit odd. Not the not using Tinder, that I have no issue with, it was the anxious/sad look....

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Whathewhatnow Fri 22-Nov-19 12:59:45

I think whatever the reason that this is taking up too much headspace for me. Why am I never attracted to straightforward men?!?! I'm a walking bloody cliché!

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Whathewhatnow Fri 22-Nov-19 21:14:56

I've been musing on this today and had a bit of a damascene moment. A big part of me is always looking for blokes to want me enough. I tell myself I love a challenge. But inside I just want men to like me enough, which is really quite sad. Because I'm ok really and a decent partner objectively speaking. Why amniotic wondering what this guy wants or does not want or what the reasons might be?!?! Habits die hard.

Immediate ex - virgin till age 32. Hadn't even properly kissed anyone till me. Big challenge. I got my man but we turned out to be very bad for each other -- or more accurately he turned out to be very bad for me--

One before that... very popular charismatic guy, could have had his pick. Total commitmentphobe. Cheat. Wanted him to love just me. He did not. With him for 5 years.

One before that. Mental health problems. I thought I could fix him and make him whole. What a fucking megalomaniac I was shock

Lovely guy in 1995. No side, happy, I was happy. But we had Visa and immigration issues.

My dad... very unavailable emotionally. Didn't do affection. Treated Mum badly.

Right. What I need is a guy who doesnt need fixing or delicate handling or coaxing into sex. There must be men who, like me, find themselves divorced in 40s and who have their shit together. And in fact I'd rather not have sex for ever than end up with a dud.
I'm going to a party tomorrow and I will be there for me and my enjoyment rather than looking what I can offer someone else.

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Whathewhatnow Fri 22-Nov-19 21:16:02

Amniotic??? No. why am I ...

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