Only those who have been a registered user of Mumsnet for at least 90 days can post in this topic.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
I've lost all interest in sex(11 Posts)
DH & I have been together for 12 years, married for 5. We have 2 beautiful DC (7 & 2) and he is a wonderful father to them. I love him very much but I've just zero interest in sex anymore. Its been headed this way for years but has been particularly bad since DC2 was born. He is growing tired of my excuses, keeps pointing out how little we are doing it - it feels like our relationship is breaking and I don't know what to do.
I'm so tired. All the time. I'm always busy - work PT, looking after the kids, housework/jobs when they are in bed. I get no down time & I resent that. He works FT but once kids are in bed gets the evening to himself. Every day.
I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of all the jobs that need doing here and feel so unsupported & undervalued & quite frankly resentful. I stop at 10/11pm then go on my phone for a bit of chill out time before going to sleep. Stay up too late. My eyes hurt. I feel teary. i just dont want to have sex when I feel like this. This has been a big part of it over the years but its not the only thing. I make excuse after excuse.
I was studying for professional exams & too tired. Exhausted from having DC. Had PND. Had treatment for abnormal smear. Struggles with ttc where sex became all about making babies & not about love & intimacy. Had a miscarriage. Since having DC2 I am overweight & dont feel comfortable being naked. I'm struggling to lose weight but I self sabotage & only have myself to blame. He can't understand why I don't lose weight when I hate my body so much. I have a medical problem that despite surgery keeps recurring & means I can't ever be spontaneous with sex as I always need to go to the loo first. So I avoid it but this only makes it worse. He often pokes,prods & gropes my boobs & bum as he walks past me. I hate it & despite asking him not to he still does it - it makes me feel he has no respect for me or my body. So I avoid sex even more.
Its got to the point where he is (understandably) feeling very rejected because of my disinterest. He has gradually withdrawn almost all physical contact because of this and never kisses or cuddles me anymore. I never initiate intimacy as I know he will expect full sex, and sometimes all I want is a cuddle. So I avoid it as much as possible, even though I know this has inevitably made things worse. Although he never says anything, it makes me feel pressured, & there's been a few occasions where I've gone along with sex because I don't want to disappoint him, even though I'm not really feeling like it.
I love him, I find him attractive, and when we (very occasionally) do have sex its always good, I just don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like we're stuck in a place where he needs sex to feel loved, and I need to feel love & respected in order to want to have sex. We keep coming back to this same point, and yet we never seem to break the cycle. I just don't know where to go from here.
Forgive me if I’m taking out of turn but he sounds an insensitive, lazy prick.
No wonder you don’t want sex with him.
well I was hoping for something a little more constructive, but maybe I didn't express that clearly enough in my op
Dw and I have been in a similar situation, we were still friends but all intimacy had gone and we hadn't dtd for several years and prior it was only ever a couple of times a year for a long time.
Over time I lost all self esteem, felt tremendously rejected, developed an awful temper and eventually had a bit of a breakdown.
Unfortunately DW didn't see our loss of intimacy and affection as much of an issue as thats how her until I stated that once the kids had both gone to Uni I didn't didn't see what would keep us together. Eventually I asked her to stop planning for a significant joint birthday trip as I really didn't expect to still be together. That floored her and seemed to be the jolt needed to get her to work on our marriage with me.
As it is you are knackered and resentful about his lack of help which is a big turn off. He has to realise that you are both responsible for parenting and running the house and pull his weight better.
Then you need to work on reconnecting, spending time together and showing affection without expecting it to lead to sex, i.e. Date nights, walks, watching films etc. We do try set aside time for sex most weeks as DW never spontaneously feels horny and I suffer with ED due to spinal damage and take viagra , so we have to plan it.
Your body issues can't be solved by him I have no experience either other than when I was working on improving my self esteem I did work on my fitness which helped in all sorts of ways and the resulting weight loss and toning made me feel better about myself.
Most on here said to end the marriage but while we still have a way to go we have made massive progress this year so I'm happy that I didn't follow that advice. Communication and cooperation are paramount so talk it through with him but it has to be a team effort.
Good luck OP.
Sorry 3rd paragraph should read
Unfortunately DW didn't see our loss of intimacy and affection as much of an issue as thats how her parents marriage was. until I stated that once the kids...........
And maybe in my efforts to keep it short(ish) I've painted him DH in not such a great light. When I re-read what I wrote, the groping thing sounds cringey - he does it in a jokey way but then when I ask him not to he says he only does it because its the only way of getting any physical contact with me. Worse still I know he's right, and its not fair on him for me to treat him this way - but I just can't seem to get across to him just how down trodden and burnt out I feel.
He is a very hands on dad, very close to DC1 & and does do some stuff around the house (quick tidy/load dishwasher/gardening/car maintenance). And he works hard too. But I certainly certainly take the lions share of the housework & have all the jobs that need doing daily whereas his are more ad hoc. And I just feel like all the responsibility for the organising and running of the household is down to me & I wish that were shared more evenly. That would make such a massive difference in helping me feel like we are a partnership. Its so unequal at the moment
thankyou harmlesschap thats much more helpful & also insightful into the way you felt about it too. I know its not doing his self esteem any good & that in itself is not a good thing. I don't feel good about this & want to try to work on things - your post has given me some hope that we can turn things around. I just need him to realise what he needs to do too.
Why are you doing jobs in the evening if he isn't?
Tell him that you need to share the household work so that you are less tired.
Is there any way you could afford a cleaner?
I feel for you OP. Our youngest is 3.4 years old and only now are we just beginning to get it all back on track. This is our third child and the fatigue has been soul destroying. It's been so tough but finally our youngest sleeps well and so do I.
You have to make choices which will be difficult to make. Can you cut down on the amount you have on your plate? Can you afford a cleaner?
Before you do date nights and all of that, start by getting good quality sleep. Sleep improves our outlook on everything. Can you get to bed earlier and just work on getting a good month of restful sleep? In between that, I'd really work on reducing your own workload.
I find that the more exhausted and resentful I am, the more I take on. Whereas when I am rested, I let go a bit and trim off the excess chores that aren't necessary on a daily basis. DH and I hit a massive wall a couple of years ago and I seriously considered divorce. He did as well. But we were flattened... between work, 3 kids- one of whom slept so terribly- we both had enough insight to know that we were giving up on us because of a rough time that we knew would pass. We still really loved each other, but the lack of sleep/sex and too much on our plates was a recipe for a bumpy time.
I can't reiterate enough- start with good sleep. You'll find that this will elevate your mood and feelings about yourself and life in general, making it easier to deal with the rest and make good decisions. It will restore your sense of wellness and the sex will come. It really will. Admittedly, we're not at it like rabbits, but we're in a much better place. Still tired. But less than before and more balanced.
Sex is just another chore in a long list for you. You could tell him straight that you will not be feeling like sex whilst there’s such an imbalance in how much free time you both have. Apart from the practical considerations, lazy entitled men who are content to see you do most of the work whilst they relax are not sexy.
Also, when are you going to find the time and energy to exercise if you’re doing the lion’s share of the work?
The groping is grim behaviour. It’s not good enough for him to say he knows you don’t like being groped/prodded but he doesn’t get enough sex so he’s going to do it anyway. Would that wash with random women in the street?
I might be alone here but i see sex at the end of the day as a treat that makes me feel good and helps me sleep, not another chore. It wasn't this way after the first two dcs, but after the third we seem to work as a team and that really helps. We made what was initially a silly deal of dtd every day for a month, which developed into a year. Regardless of tiredness we can always make time for fun together at the end of the day. It works for us because we both found our high libidos again and we're very compatible in that way.