Q about BJs and maybe triggering..

[MysteryJellyfish]

..but not sure where I should post this one. Posting here because I've name changed and at least it proves I'm a regular. I want to ask a question but to do so I need to give some detail. It's about blow jobs, and may be triggering (twice warned!).

I'm in trauma therapy for some other things and I've started having problems with my throat. I've started having memories of giving blow jobs. I wasn't forced, to start off with, but then after a bit, when I (obviously!) had my mouth full, he would grab my head firmly and I couldn't speak or stop it. I did think about biting, but I didn't want to hurt him and I've a pretty small mouth so my jaws would often be kind of locked so it would have been difficult. However, I definitely did not want to continue.

The thing was this was basically standard in all my relationships from my first one onwards. I have no idea if he (they) knew I didn't want to continue, but he very certainly didn't care: it was just about him and where his dick was. I would feel like a "vessel" at the time - he didn't care anymore who I was, just where his dick was.

So, obviously I had issues with communicating what I didn't want, but I am wondering if this is a normal thing that happens with BJs both in terms of the head grabbing the vessel feeling.

I have an idea that this could be a really loving act (and I did usually enjoy it until the point my head was grabbed), but I can't compare with DH because it turns out he's asexual..which is a whole other (long) thread!

[Gammeldragz]

No that's not normal and I am very sorry that has happened to you. BJs should not feel like someone is fucking your mouth, it isn't porn. It's an intimate act that you do because you want to give them pleasure, you should be in control of it...

[EllieEllaBella]

Well it can be normal and it can also be completely abnormal! It all depends on context...

Once I was in a position where this happened and I consider it to be abusive because I was drunk and didn't have a clue what was going on. But I've also been in this position where it was just part of our sex life and most definitely consensual.

[Isadora2007]

An ex of mine used to do that too and came in my mouth with no real option for me to back out. I was too young and stupid to say no.

From then on though I have spoken about it prior to sexual relationship beginning and explained how it made me feel. For a long time I wouldn't even do them at all. I don't swallow or do it to that point at all. But I do now love them and take control...

[MysteryJellyfish]

Sorry for others who've been in this situation.

And that's it, Isadora, no option to back out and no control. And never been taught I was allowed to say no - or that someone should listen when I did.

[Casmama]

No it's not normal and it's not ok.
It is perfectly ok to say "if you so much as place your hand gently on my head then I will stop immediately and never do it again"
I thunk most men will say they are going to come or at least give clues.
I'm really sorry you have had these experiences OP and others.

[HerOtherHalf]

It's hard for one person to say what is "normal" but it sure as hell is not right. It's controlling and abusive. If a man does this to you, at the very least never trust him with intimate contact with your body again. He is showing you that he has no respect for you and will do what he wants with no consideration for you.