Help 'talk' this through with me? Lack of intimacy is killing me

[DisgracefulDad]

Couple of things first :
Choosing this user name a few years ago seemed funny at the time - I hope this topic doesn't mean I'm living up to it :-)

Wasn't sure where to post this - either here or in relationships or AIBU - anyway, here we are...

Right, DW and I have been married for 12 years, and together for a few years before that. We have 2 children, the eldest is 10

To say we don't have much of a physical relationship any more is an understatement. As best I can recall we have DTD once this year, possibly twice. You get the idea. It started, understandably, when DS1 came along but has never recovered and over time become less and less of a thing.

There have been times when I have been literally bursting with frustration, periods when I'd bring it up and try and talk about it to see if that helped, periods where I tried to just forget it and become asexual, but the truth is that I feel utterly empty without any physical intimacy in my life.

I went through periods of wondering wether just finding someone to have an affair or FWB with was excusable or indeed a good thing to do but have never acted on this.

I now feel alternately empty and sad, and exploding with frustration at the unfairness of it all.

When we have spoken about it in the past it has been put down to just not feeling aroused, being busy, tired. All things I can understand (we re both very busy and it only gets moreso with children getting ever more active and going to sports etc.

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve here other than know I feel the need to talk and let it out.

What have your experiences been, on either side of the subject... ?

[Jinglebellsarenearlyhere]

So I am two weeks post finding out my H had an affair for the very same reasons. I rejected him over and over for about 8 years. I can understand the affair but I can't forgive why he didnot come to me and say this is a deal breaker. I want sex, relationships need intimacy. It's got so crucial for me that I even considered being unfaithful. If he has done that then maybe it would of shocked me into action.

If it was me I would Book sessions in with a couples counsellor even if just you go.

[pocketsaviour]

When you've talked about it before with your wife, have you actually agreed any actions to take this forward, rather than just a vague "I'll try"?

Do you ever make time for date nights - stuff where you're just a couple again, with the kids elsewhere? Not necessarily for sex, but just so you're reconnecting as individuals, not as parents.

Has your wife seen the GP about her libido being lower? If she has gone on hormonal contraception (pill, depo, implant, mirena coil) since having the DC, this can completely change a woman's libido, usually for the worse.

I would also recommend couples counselling, with a counsellor who has a lot of experience with helping couples reconnect sexually. Don't just pick the first one in the phone book, ring round and ask them their areas of interest.

If none of this makes any difference, I would ask your wife to consider opening the relationship if she is unable to meet those needs for you. If the marriage works in all other aspects, it seems a shame to leave because of this.

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

Yep what pocketsaviour said. And I would hope that what is suggested in the last para might shock her in to taking some action (which also resonates with what jinglebells has said. Tell her you can't live like this. You don't want to leave, but if she's not wanting sex with you, how would she feel if you sought that elsewhere.