Girls and their friends - AGAIN!!!!

[seeker]

My 13 year old dd is in a group of 5 friends at school. I only know one of them, but from waht dd says, they all sound nice, ordinary sort of girls - they have fun together and go into town together after school -that sort of thing. Dd came home earlier in the week very quiet and sad - and told me that one of them is having a birthday sleepover - and they are all going except dd. It's not a mistake she's left out - one of the others said to her in the bus "It's a bit awkward that X hasn't invited you, isn't it?" The party person is being quite normally friendly to dd - and there haven't been any fallings out or anything.

Dd wants to just carry on as if nothing's happened. She's got the friend a present and actually we're going away for the weekend so she couldn't have gone anyway. I'm wondering whether she should find a way of asking why she wasn't invited - not in a demanding sort of way, but in a puzzled, sad sort of way (which reflects exactly the way she's feeling). Or do I just butt out and let her handle it her way without even suggesting she enquires further?

[deaddei]

maybe the girl was only allowed 3 friends to sleepover-- she may have had to do names in a hat.
Is the birthday girl still friendly?
I wouldn't worry too much.....I only let dd have 6 friends to birthday last week, and she has lots more friends than that- if anyone asked she just said she couldn't invite anymore than that.
No one got upset- I think it's happening more and more, as parents don't want bigger parties.
It is tough on your dd- my dd has experienced the same thing, but just explain that you can't always invite everyone1
! I would let her handle it herself.
Friendships chop and change so much at this age.

[seeker]

I thought that about numbers too - but dd says that she has invited everyone in their group except dd and one other girl - so it really does look as if dd has been deliberately left out. I will leave it to her, though - despite my mother tigerish tendencies!

[Docbunches]

No advice really, just wanted to say I think your DD sounds extremely mature and has the right attitude in carrying on as normal - although I think it's quite mean of the other girl to leave her out.

I've always maintained an all or nothing policy (within reason, obviously) when it comes to parties and I would always make room for another child so nobody feels excluded - and yes, I've been flamed on here for having that opinion.

But that's just me.

I hope your DD is OK (my DD, aged 12, had a similar experience recently, but would STILL be happy to invite this particular girl to any future parties, which I think is very generous in nature on the part of my DD).

And like you, I stayed out of it, even though it tugs on the heartstrings.

[hullygully]

If I were her I would want to know the reason, otherwise it can be a real torment. If it happened to my dd, I would suggest she ask in an I-don't-mind-but-I-do want-to-know-have-I-upset-you-kind-of-way.

I have never understood the stay out of it line, we would all help and advise our friends, we teach our kids other basic life skills, why not emotional intelligence? Why not talk things over with them and suggest strategies they could use and help them develop those necessary skills? Much more useful in life. Plus, if it is all unspoken, it belittles their feelings and their experiences, it doesn't help them to process their feelings or deal with the issues presented. we all have to learn to deal with unpleasant behaviour/people in life. Rant over...

[seeker]

hullgully - that's exactly what I suggested she said. She's worried about being thought what in her school they call a "princess" but she's just texted to say she's thinking about whether she might see if she can have a word with the girl at lunch time along those lines.

It's worse than watching Hollyoaks, having teenagers!

[hullygully]

It's torture. But good for her, it's MUCH better to confront these things than wonder in silent misery. Fingers crossed for a good outcome.

[Docbunches]

I agree hullygully. What I meant was that I would leave my DD to decide how to deal with that kind of situation herself but would still have discussed it with her, in the way you describe, and give advice if necessary (as I'm sure would Seeker).

[Danthe4th]

Leave it for your daughter to sort out, don't try to influence her, she has to deal with it. We are having a nightmare at school with my year 8 dd and its all to do with who walks with who at lunch time and she keeps getting left out. But she is the one at school and i've told her she has to deal with it, that may seem harsh but they have to learn.I did let her invite a friend over at the weekend and that seems to have helped a bit, but thats all the meddling i'm up for.