DS is 12 and coming to the end of year 7. In some ways, it's been a successful transitional year - he made new friends straight away and joined lots of extra-curricular clubs. But lately, it feels he's going backwards, and I'm wondering if anyone's been in the same boat and has any advice.
DS was well-liked at primary, though by no-means one of the cool kids. He was bullied briefly (by one of the 'cool' kids who made it clear DS didn't belong in that particular clique) but the school dealt with it brilliantly, and DS moved on with a nicer group of friends who have all moved on to secondary with him (along with a handful of the less-pleasant kids). He was always strong academically, got greater depth in all his SATS (for what it was worth!) and was well liked by the teachers, who always said how polite and kind he was and a pleasure to teach. At home, he could be pretty argumentative and boundary-pushing at times (what pre-teen isn't?), but generally funny, warm, kind to his little sister and us.
Over the last year, his behaviour at school has deteriorated. It is a super-strict secondary that hands out detentions for relatively minor indiscretions, but DH and I support this because we understand the logic of enforcing minor rules to stop the major issues getting out of hand. Nevertheless, DS has had 20 ten-minute detentions over the last year (always for minor disruption), and was even on report for a week. But it's NEVER his fault, apparently. It's always the teacher being unfair, or making a mistake. We've spoken his his form tutor and head of year about his behaviour, and they are scratching their heads because in many ways he's an outstandingly well-behaved student - he constantly clocks up awards for his kindness, politeness etc, but refuses to wear the badges he's been given as rewards. They've said that his behaviour isn't bad as such, he just doesn't know when to stop talking in class.
We've tried sanctions - banning the PS4 for a few days, docking his pocket-money, and this works in the short-term. But he's recently admitted that the detentions are seen as a badge of honour among his cohort - that nobody wants to be seen as being 'a goody,' and I'm worried this is because he's trying to fit in with the 'cool' kids from primary again. Many of them have had considerably more detentions than him, and some familiar names are slipping back into his conversations.
Academically, he's been going downhill since the middle of the year. At the start of year 7, he was generally getting at least 80% in exams; in his end of year exams, he's just about scraping 60%. While he was revising, we were very supportive but not helicoptering - I believed in letting him get on with revision himself, because he was a very independent learner when it came to SATS and his mid-year 7 exams had gone well. Nevertheless, we made sure he revised often, had plenty of peace to do so, lots of breaks and a few treats, and made it clear we there to help him if there was anything he'd forgotten how to do/couldn't understand. Several times, I found him playing on his phone or on the computer rather than studying. He'd get very defensive, saying he was 'taking a break.' I'm now convinced he wasn't studying anywhere near as much as he was letting on, but he gets angry when I suggest this and accuses me of not trusting him. He didn't do that well in his exams because he's got rubbish teachers, apparently (he hasn't. The teaching at his school is outstanding).
He's started lying to us. He's allowed on Fortnite during the weekend but not during the school week, but a couple of times I've come back from picking DD up from a playdate to find him alone in the house and the PS4 on. He denies using it. He's been present when some of the 'cool' kids from his old school have got into scrapes, too (nothing major or criminal, but potentially trouble-making) and we've only found out he was there several days or weeks after the event, when another parent has told us, or he accidentally lets slip. He doesn't go out that much - maybe once or twice a week, and just to the local park or shops or a friend's house - but it seems he's been forgetting to mention who he's hanging out with, and what they've got up to.
He also doesn't try anymore at the things he used to enjoy, and was really good at - music in particular, because it isn't cool to play the piano (he's just scraped at pass in his grade 2 exam; for grade 1 he got a distinction). Now he just wants to play basketball, which he's never been very good at (by his own admission), and only seems to leads to arguments with the other boys.
I feel he's going backwards. He ended year 6 comfortable in his own skin, and doing well academically and socially. He started year 7 with a real up-for-anything attitude - new friends, doing well at new subjects and trying loads of extra-curricular stuff. Now he's hanging around with the kids who made his life a misery when he was 9, trying to join in with the things that they're good at (but he's not), getting involved in playground 'banter' rather than going to any extra-curricular clubs, and being a pain in the arse to the teachers. All the new friends from other primaries he made earlier in the year irritate him, he says.
He absolutely denies being bullied, and I do believe him on this one - his behaviour is not the same as when he was bullied before. If anything, he seems cocky and arrogant (though know this could be hiding his true feelings). His cousin is in the same year at the school, too, and while she doesn't hang out with him, she says he's popular and always seems happy at breaktime.
I don't know how to handle this. DH thinks we should avoid lecturing and issuing ultimatums, and just focus on the things we have control over: PS4 usage, when and where he goes out (though not necessarily who with, because I don't want to start following him!), limiting phone usage even more (because he's only allowed on there a couple of hours a day as it is) and so on. But when we try making stricter rules, he blows up and gets argumentative, and DH and I end up yelling at him, which inevitably leads to tears.
Please help if you can. He's a lovely boy with so much to give, but I'm worried this is the start of a downhill trend that will not go at all well.
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Secondary education
Year 7 Regression - academic and behaviour-wise
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AnyoneFancyAPint · 28/06/2019 14:20
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