Sensitive boy to rough school without his friends ?!

[lozrobin]

Apologies as have seen quite a few threads on chosing secondary school where there is a choice between 'rough' and 'better' but not many have mentioned the child friends situation we seem to have.

Our boy is in excellent primary but feeds into what is considered the rougher secondary, what we didn't realise at time was how many of the children in his class that are in the catchment for the better secondary but chose his primary as it was excellent at the time.

The result of this is that the majority of his class will be going to the better secondary. Those that aren't in the better catchment will apply for it although this is a bit of a lottery as some years they have spaces but usually not. His best friend is in catchment for the better school and his other main friends will be applying.

The main consideration is that our boy is extremely sensitive (and lovely !)- cries at drop of a hat, hates competitive team sports like football/rugby and so hasn't made many friends outside the class or bonded through sport indside the school. He does athletics but not really a team thing.

He does seem quite bright so hope when streamed - that happens in first week apparently he will be in the higher sets but likely to be without anyone he knows from his primary.

The rough school has improved in recent years but due to its catchment has a large element of kids he hasn't mixed with before. I personally went to what would now be considered a sink school and whilst left with almost no qualifications things turned out okay, not sure how easy that is to achieve nowadays.

Don't really want to go to drastic measure of moving to guarantee the better school although haven't written it off as current house needs lots of work and not sure can face doing it !

The rough school does have some benefits like he could potentially cycle there rather than a bus as it is too far to walk. The ofsted of the rough school was a few years back - guess must be due one, it recently had an amazing head that was really starting to turn school around but he has recently left and bit early to guage new one.

Guess boils down to concerned about sending very sensitive boy to rough school with none of his friends. On the flip side I am also concerned about molly coddling him too much as more likely to get some real world experiences at the rougher school to better prepare him for what lays ahead after school.

Any advice much appreciated....

[Rebecca36]

You're not molly coddling him to send him to a better school that's less rough. You have to fit the school to your child, not the other way around.

[Notquiterichenough]

What year is he? Have you looked around the open days? It's hard to judge a school by Ofsted and reputation alone.

If you have time, and it feels wrong when you look at the school, AND you're not madly in love with your house, AND can afford it, I'd move. But that's a lot of "ifs".

[DinkyDaisy]

Rough= ???
In more disadvantaged area? Less 'middle class'?
What do you mean by 'better'?
None of my business I guess. Your view is your view.
Perhaps visit schools and do own research to be sure you are formulating your own view through direct contact.

[RiverTam]

Move, if you can, there seem to be far more positives to that plan of action.

[lozrobin]

Thanks for response, to clarify the rough the school is bang in the middle of what I guess you would call a middle class area and a disadvantaged area. I went to a rough school - lots of fighting, many explusions, suspensions and lot of people leaving with no qualifications (including my two best friends). I do not personally feel safe at night in that area or in any of the local pubs as always trouble. So there will be kids from both backgrounds at the school although an awful lot apply to the better school. To clarify the better it has better ofsted, long term reputation and is in a very affluent area - although aware that school of affluent kids can have their own issues. Really am torn, reckon the younger one would be fine there as so different to my older boy who is so sensitive and the friends thing complicates it further, if all his mates were going would be less worried.

[OliviaStabler]

Don't send him to a rough school away from his friends. The rough kids will eat him alive and he will be miserable. Been there, done that.

[clary]

is he in yr 6 now? If so you don't have time to move. Put both on your list, put the nicer school first, if you get the other one go on the waiting list for the preferred one. Maybe consider some things about the nicer one that could win you an appeal, eg specialism such as music clubs or drama clubs, athletics club/competitions etc. Things the preferred school offers that would be good for your child.

[EduCated]

Have you looked at the criteria for the ‘better’ school and how far out it has offered previously (assuming it used distance) to work out if you would have got a place at any point in the last few years?

Have you got any other options for your third preference?

[Veganfortheanimals]

Go to your doctor ,get your gp to write a letter ,explain he has anxiety ,is only just coping with school due to his support network,I feel that is removed you are worried for his mental health...doctor sends / you send the letter as addional evidence of why your son needs this particular school..I know two people who doing this got them the school they wanted.i also know people who only put one school down..no second choice....that worked ..I did that myself and it worked ,but that was 10 years ago when I did it,it's a risky strategy,but I know people it's worked for.

[Veganfortheanimals]

People near me bus their kids out of town to various schools,some up to an hour away journey time ,with mum driving to a particular bus stop for 7.20 am so child gets on the bus to continue journey to school in neighbouring town....you could look at all schools an hour away and see what you could get him too ,with combination of car / bus ,looking at where the bus stops are..I went to a rough school...no qualifications at age 16 .bullies united would of been an excellent name for the school....never would I put my kids in such a school..I've even home schooled to avoid bad schools .good luck x

[EduCated]

Just to add a different voice, I went to the local ‘rough’ school - appalling GCSE results, shut down by Ofsted and one of the first forced academies, if you google the old name one of the top hits is a list of the 100 worst schools in the country for the year I finished (and it’s in the bottom 20 of that list).

I personally did well, straight As at GCSE, a good group of friends, and lots of opportunities and support. Pure anecdote, but I wouldn’t immediately write off ‘rough’ schools.

[dingit]

If it's any help, my dd went to the rough school our friends turned their nose up at. Their twins GCSE results were ok, but it was my dd that came out with a string of A stars and As and is at a good university. She made friends with kids from different primaries too.

[Nitrostormi]

I am in the same situation. Ds is at a good primary in an affluent area. The primary feeds into a very good secondary school but we are in the catchment for a secondary school which is not highly thought of. It could definitely be called 'rough'.

We went to the open evening for the 'rough' school and I was pleasantly surprised. I was very impressed and I think the school will be a very supportive school. I am seriously considering it for my ds. I am going to ask the 'better' school if we can visit. Then I will decide.

[BluthsFrozenBananas]

Putting only one choice down makes no difference, the local authority won’t bump a child who lives closer to the school down the list because some parents have left the second choice space blank. If people have done that and children have got in it’s because there was a space for them that year.

I think I would go ahead and put the better school first and the rough one second, then if I got the rough one look at if an appeal would work (ask your current HT for advice as they deal with appeals). Also if your son gets offered the rough school get him on the waiting list for the better school. He might manage to get a place before September as there’s often quite a bit of movement after the school places allocation. You may have to start him at the rough school, and he might surprise you and thrive there, but you can keep him on the waiting list for the other one and move him when a place comes up if necessary.

[VenusInSpurs]

•also know people who only put one school down..no second choice....that worked ..I did that myself and it worked ,but that was 10 years ago when I did it,it's a risky strategy,but I know people it's worked for*

This is 100% bad advice based on a complete misunderstanding of the schools admissions system as set down in law. I really worry that people still believe and spread this misinformation.

If you only put one school down and got in, it is because you got a place based in the admissions criteria. If you had listed more schools below that school, it would have made no difference to you getting your preferred place.

You cannot ‘play’ the system. If you ONLY list your top favourite school and don’t get offered a place, and you haven’t listed any other schools you will be allocated a place in a school that still has vacancies after a The people that applied have been allocated their places. Which could be a school in special measures two bus rides away.

List the schools in the exact order you prefer them.

WRT the school, visit with an open mind. In London almost all schools have a real mix because streets with big houses are close up to high density social housing. My sensitive first born is a high achiever in a very ‘mixed’ comp. Look carefully at the schools and see what you think. Ask specifically how they support able children, and what extra curricular activities there are. Secondary schools have a much wider range, beyond sport. E.g STEM club, chess, film and animation, boys dance, soul choir, are all clubs at my Dc’s Quite ‘rough’ comp. (which, by the way, has good behaviour).

[SputnikBear]

I was your son. My friends at primary came from better off “nice” families who could afford to be in the catchment for a better secondary, or who had cars or could afford taxis to send their DC to the better secondary. My mum was on benefits so I had to go to the rough school within walking distance in our catchment area.

I achieved excellent GCSE results. I was also physically attacked most days and withdrew into my shell, suffered from depression, and had no friends because I had nothing in common with the other kids at that awful school. I developed excellent skills in making sure my back was to the wall, strategically standing away from people, staying silent and out of sight. I’m 40 and still look over my shoulder for attackers, still suffer from depression, still have no friends because I missed the window to develop social skills, and suffered abusive relationships because my self esteem was destroyed. Don’t inflict that on your son.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Forget being politically correct, visit the school but if it seems rough then you are most likely right to not send a sensitive boy there without his friends.

[Veganfortheanimals]

As I said it is a risky strategy only putting one choice.but where I live there is one excellent school.and one with drug dealers outside..so people only put the good school down.a good friend of mine is doing the same this year..also now I come to think of it ,when I did it ,my son was at a feeder school for the secondary,even though we were out of catchment area..so I expect that's why we got it...

[averythinline]

I would have a look round but would tend toward not...and move - Ds went to the not rough school- but quite mixed intake - we picked it as the strictest so hoping they would be on top of crap behaviour - and they were ....but it was not enough...
the constant bad behaviour of the other kids really stressed him out .. and as a gentle soul the scope for bullying was immense ..
the school did really try but not enough (our other options were worse so we ended up going private as couldnt move for other reasons )

would really try for the other school with his friends.....

[Annasgirl]

I was in this position. I moved my son. Best decision ever. He is so happy in the new school, never looks back. He is so looking forward to going into the secondary school now.

You need to make the best decision for your child. Read the post from the 40 year old above. Sensitive children need more looking after. It was a huge financial sacrifice for DH and I to move DS, and a huge logistical issue as he could walk to the old school - but you always need to do your best for your child.

[RedSkyLastNight]

Have you actually seen the "rough" school? You seem to be assuming the behaviour will be bad; do you have evidence that is the case?

You seem to be focusing on "friends" and awful lot. I presume you are aware that even if your DS goes to a secondary school with every single one of his primary school friends, they may be in totally different classes and never see each other (the situation both my DC found themselves in)?

Assuming you are not in Year 6, and regardless of which school he ends up at, I'd suggest you start working on your son's resilience, and building up his strategies for interacting with others. Both of these will stand him in good stead.

[BluthsFrozenBananas]

Vegan you’ve misunderstood the way it works, putting only one school down makes no difference. If you only put school A down, and you fulfill the admissions criteria for school A you’ll get it, if you put school A, B and C down and you fulfill the admissions criteria for school A you’ll get it. If you put down A, B and C and you don’t fulfill the criteria for A you’ll get B if you fulfill their criteria and so on. If you only put A and you don’t fulfill their admissions criteria that year you might get school B but you might get school X, Y or Z. They could be miles away, awful, you might have never even heard of them.