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advice on changing schools after bullying and the after effects

(31 Posts)
ihatethecold Fri 27-Jan-17 12:46:55

My DD13 has been through a very serious case of bullying at her school. The police became involved and the bully, also 13 was given a community resolution order.

My dd mental health seems to be declining quite quickly.

She is anxious and crying most days and does not want to go to school.
The school have put counselling in place but its only 30 mins every 2 weeks.

The school are now badgering me about attendance because she was sent home this week unwell. I have tried to get her back and had to leave her shaking and crying this morning at the school after her GP appointment.

She has had a stomach problem this week that i think is caused by stress.

She was assessed by the adolescent mental health service for anxiety late last year but they said she isn't bad enough for them to help.

We are going to look at another school next week but i'm scared i'm not doing the right thing.

She has become quite isolated at school because of the bully.

I need advice.

Pandamanda3 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:13:06

Oh op so sorry for you & dd 💐 I fully understand your fear, my son was badly bullied and we did eventually move him.
You do think is it the best thing? But I can say in our case it was the new school we chose were very understanding and he made friends quickly as they really supported him.

I think it would be your best move, go to see the schools with dd and decide together what one she feels more secure in you'll get s feeling which is going to suit.

It takes time to settle of course but being safe from these bullies is the first step. So bloody wrong it's awful, my son started self defence too it was the making of him.

Get your gp to arrange counselling on a more regular basis and get sick note from your gp to sign her off officially absent because of trauma caused by bulling to cover the attendance issue whilst she recovers.

Putting her in the very place these monsters lurk I think is dangerous for her mental wellbeing I can't understand the system sometimes it's cruel.

Be brave op & supportive she needs you to carry her through and somebody to make decisions she may not be able to make right now.

Tell her from me & my son there is light at the end of the tunnel she's got to stay strong don't let them win! She's the better person for saying no im going to push on & leave your nastiness behind me.

Good luck to you both if you've any more questions if I can help I will x

ihatethecold Fri 27-Jan-17 13:21:58

Thank you so much for your reply.
Counselling takes a while to get going here. we are thinking of paying privatly for some CBT counselling for her.

I worry that if we get her signed off from the doctor we wont get her back in school.

She sat there with the nurse at the GP's this morning just crying her eyes out whilst they took a blood sample. I had to explain to the nurse she wasn't crying because she stuck a needle in her arm.

Pandamanda3 Fri 27-Jan-17 14:06:33

Oh god bless her, I only meant getting her signed off for the period between moving schools that's how I did it.
I understand what you mean about councelling on the nhs Iv recently had my younger son counselling for a completly different matter however same situation in that nhs couldn't offer any help so I did pay privatly and it's been a life changer for him worth every penny.
It crippled me financially but what it's given has been priceless.
Is your daughter open to changing schools op?

tigerrun Fri 27-Jan-17 14:14:53

Just awful for you OP (and your DD of course), as parents it is horrible feeling so helpless as they get older and things can't be solved with a cuddle and a trip to the park flowers.

How does she feel about changing schools? Would she view it as a fresh start? My DS (13) had a boy join his class this year (Yr8) who had transferred from another local school because of bullying and by all accounts has been welcomed and met new friends and put it all behind him. Obviously it is not always that simple, but a change can be a very positive move, especially if the new school are aware and supportive.

I hope you find a good solution, good luck.

ihatethecold Fri 27-Jan-17 17:17:48

I think she is nervous about changing schools but I feel we have to do something.
The school nurse rang at lunchtime to say my dd isn't feeling well.
She hasn't eaten again since 8pm last night. sad

QGMum Fri 27-Jan-17 18:34:35

So sorry for you and your dd.

Can you take her to look at some other schools so that she knows has a choice of whether to move or stay at the same school? If she makes a positive choice to stay she may feel better about it. It sounds very bad at the moment.

Hope things get better for you.

HSMMaCM Fri 27-Jan-17 18:43:40

Giving my dd the choice made a massive difference. Home schooling was a third choice she was offered. She chose to stay put and managed to make it work, but the school were fantastic and very supportive.

ihatethecold Fri 27-Jan-17 19:10:11

we are going to visit another school on tuesday.
The school have been great but are now so focused on their attendance figures they are losing sight of the bigger picture which is my dd's mental health.

DriftingDreamer Fri 27-Jan-17 19:27:32

Is the bully still at the school?
I am wondering why they have not been permanently excluded.
What measures did the school take to sort the situation out and keep your child safe?

ihatethecold Fri 27-Jan-17 19:32:32

yes, the queen bee is still there, swanning about looking smug
The first incidence of bullying last december was dealt with by the school.

The rest happened over the xmas school holidays so the school said they wont intervene so we had to get the police involved.

the school actually said they wont punish the girl for the xmas incidents because it happened outside school time.

The xmas incidents were very abusive and sustained over social media which is why the police had no problem dealing with it straight away.

DriftingDreamer Fri 27-Jan-17 19:37:37

Awful for your dd.
The school should be doing more. Does the bully still bully her?

ihatethecold Fri 27-Jan-17 19:47:46

no she isnt but she stares at my dd all the time

DriftingDreamer Fri 27-Jan-17 19:54:54

Well that could be seen as intimidation.
I would make sure the school know about that....

QGMum Sat 28-Jan-17 06:29:29

Hope the visit to the other school on Tuesday goes well. Do they have a place available immediately for her or would she need to go on their waiting list?

QGMum Sat 28-Jan-17 06:29:55

Hope the visit to the other school on Tuesday goes well. Do they have a place available immediately for her or would she need to go on their waiting list?

MsGameandWatch Sat 28-Jan-17 06:49:31

I would remove her now. There's no way I would make her remain in that environment. Then look for schools with her at your leisure. Missing a couple of weeks/months is not a big deal and could really sort her out as the pressure will be lifted. Just the relief of never having to go back to that place again will work wonders.

Fridayschild Sat 28-Jan-17 06:53:34

DS had a number of years of low level bullying, which was awful but so much less than DD's experience. I really feel for you.

We moved him to another school - best thing ever. He was quiet and hung back for about half a term, but made friends and by the end of the first term had a good group of 5 or 6 friends, was always being asked to their birthday sleepovers and to play after school. When I got the report at the end of term one I actually wept with relief.

a younger sibling stayed at the first school. It was a pest having children at different schools but I was happy that each one was at the right school.

farangatang Sat 28-Jan-17 07:04:48

Agree with pp that your DD needs to be involved in any decision about moving, but I can guarantee that moving my DD from a school where she was bullied (low level) was the BEST thing we ever did for her.
I now have my confident, life-loving child back and she is thriving. If it ever happened again, I wouldn't hesitate to move her.

FreddoFrog Sat 28-Jan-17 07:41:53

Could you try and lean on school a little more? What suggestions do they have to support your daughter? Are they giving the students extra social skills training re bullying etc.? Could she change classes, spend some down time in the library? Continuity is important, so even if she just goes to school for mornings, you don't want her to start refusing to go to school altogether. Yes yes to counselling (does the school have a psychologist?) and also looking into a new school (is your daughter open to that?) Poor little thing.

ihatethecold Sat 28-Jan-17 08:24:13

The school are providing counselling for 30 mins every other week.
She also goes to a place in school called the hub.
She can talk to the lovely support worker in there and sometimes does work in there.
All her teachers are aware and will let her leave the class is she needs to.
The new school I believe has places and will accept her.
My friend works there and already told me this.
I'm going to see how she feels on Tuesday after the visit.
We are also going to get cbt privately for her to help her manage her anxiety.

Bashstreetmum Sat 28-Jan-17 10:44:17

I feel for you both and glad you are going to get her some extra help. Making sure her therapist has plenty of experience working with adolescents would be optimum and an integrative therapist with cbt experience may serve her better so consider it. If you can do this you may avoid her 'taking her bullies with her' if she does move school.

ihatethecold Sat 28-Jan-17 14:04:40

The cbt centre specially caters for children and adolescents

Bashstreetmum Sat 28-Jan-17 17:34:24

That's a plus

Notenoughsleepmumof3 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:17:14

I'm so sorry. It is devastating, having been through this with my DS. I can say I moved him and it was completely positive. There is an adjustment period and it took awhile for him to come out of his shell again. He's back to being the DS I had lost to grief, depression, and fear from his experience. His confidence was knocked and he was untrusting of teachers and social situations, but I was lucky with the move. The new school was brilliant and it has been nothing but positive. I think they sometimes need to start again without the victim stigma.

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