This will be long and essentially is a ramble to try and get some bits off my chest. It’ll probably read like a mess and I’m sorry if it’s incomprehensible (I’m in a very emotionally heightened/ physically and mentally drained state right now).
I want to start with saying I love my twins, I really love them and they’re such amazing little people. They’re all that keeps me going sometimes.
However I’m struggling with being their SAHM. My DH is ill and has an ongoing chronic condition that sees him down for the count for weeks at a time - this has been ongoing for roughly two years. As time goes on it feels like he’s here less than when he’s in hospital or bedridden at home.
My twins are developmentally delayed and try as I might I can’t seem to get them to progress, even though I know they are logically I just feel like every day is Groundhog Day. It doesn’t help that it’s ‘terrible twos’ times... well... two.
DD barely eats and still prefers to throw her food all over the floor. DS used to be a brilliant eater and now he mimics his sister. DD is also in such a clingy phase that I can’t move without being met with screaming and crying. Neither can talk and I’m still having to guess everything they want through the little bits of babble and eventual (inevitable) meltdowns when I haven’t understood straight away.
I can’t pay attention to one without the other having such a fit that I can’t focus on the time with one and then swap. Then there’s the pressure of keeping the house semi tidy/clean. Looking after my DH and watching him lose weight and worrying that he’s never going to come out of the other side of the illnesses. We still have no answers on what is causing his condition despite several tests, a pleural effusion that saw more than 2L of fluid drained from his chest and around his liver. Chronic pain and low energy/zero appetite.
We’re stuck in such a rut and I am struggling so much and have nobody I can talk to. I have tried and continue to try anything I can to engage my twins but they’re either not interested or spend more time fighting with each other than on what we’re trying to do.
I feel like I’m a failure and I needed to get it out, here is the only place I can come to.
The anniversary of my youngest DS’ funeral is coming up in April and I haven’t even been able to visit his grave since I buried him last year.
But I barely have time in the day to do what I think is a semi adequate job of looking after the twins, let alone finding time to go and lay some flowers.
IL’s always say they’re available to take the twins off my hands but it never materialises (not that I blame them! They’re a little older than my parents and my twins are handfuls even on a good day). My Mum is too busy most of the time and will drop everything in the event of emergencies (as she has had to do several times when DH has been admitted to hospital via A&E) to come and look after them. I don’t want to ask her to do more than she has because she’s already been such great support.
I’m not going to say I’m a lone parent - even though I’m carrying the load by myself their Dad is still here, but (no fault of his own) is unable to move for the pain most of the time so can’t do anything to help.
If anybody has experience of raising developmentally delayed multiples (or two under 5 of differing ages) - did you find any way to get past this stage without driving yourself mad with guilt?
I can only get away to do basic jobs within the house by sticking the TV on... then I find that TV time is getting longer and longer because otherwise it gets very overwhelming very quickly, then of course I feel like shit because I haven’t been able to do anything meaningful with them.
Neither of them are sleeping particularly well either and are dodging their afternoon naps more often than not.
A recent win was that both have finally started walking which developmentally is marvellous, from there DD caught up with DS physically and can now climb... which leads to days of feeling more like a circus master than a Mum!
This post was spurred by a moment I had with DH about an hour ago. He’s been bedridden now for four days (after being in hospital for three weeks in Jan) - only getting up for the loo and to force a bit of food down. He came down because I have repeatedly had to tell DD not to steal whatever toy DS is playing with (just because he is playing with it) and he listened to my short explanation of what was happening and I was just starting to speak of how I feel and he said ‘I understand’ in sympathy. Essentially cutting off what I wanted to say because I know he’s not happy that he’s in the state that he’s in and he feels terrible guilt as well.
My face clearly betrayed my feelings on the matter as he doesn’t understand, he’s never had them alone for days at a time whilst I’ve been in hospital or unwell at home. They don’t scream and cry whenever he has to leave the room for a minute. He doesn’t make the effort to make their meals only for most of it to end up on the floor. But if I try to articulate this to him he becomes defensive like I’m blaming him, I’m not I’m just trying to point out that their behaviour is a bit more challenging when dealing with it day in and day out (and of course they behave better for their Dad 🙄).
It’s a constant battle of wills and I have quickly discovered that the will of my twin DD and DS combined are far stronger than mine! Or at least at the moment it seems to be that way.
I’m not sure what I want to ask from this, I think I just wanted to get it out there because honestly I feel like I’ve hit the point of feeling like I’m drowning and I can’t afford for my MH to take a downturn right now. If I slip into depression then the twins lose the parent who is currently the only one physically able to look after them. I don’t want to get to that point and I’m so scared that it might go that way.
Thank you if you’ve read this far. I’m sorry for the woe is me post here. At least I managed to rethink (in my frazzled state) posting this to AIBU!
A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.
SAHP
Have hit the burnout stage and I feel miserable.
NaviSprite · 20/02/2020 14:40
Oh OP I have no experience of what you are going through but it sounds bloody tough. I dont know much about it but you could be eligible for home start support? I think GPs can refer.
We have a playgroup near us for children with additional needs ,is there anywhere like this near you perhaps? Might help to meet others in the same boat.
Sending 
and 
.
Unfortunately DH is employed and earns just over the threshold for the free nursery hours before they turn 3 in October. I should probably have included that! Sadly the surestart centres for my area have all closed.
I do manage to get them out to a playgroup twice a week when their sleeping pattern allows. But they’re not interested in the other children there (both twins currently under early assessment for ASD).
I think that adds to it as well, just not knowing what the best method is for them individually apart from my own instincts which are sometimes correct and sometimes very much not correct. I’ve read up on ASD in young children and introduced some methods prior to diagnosis to see if they help. Some have thankfully but it’s another addition to an already difficult stage.
Thank you for responding - it’s nice just to have some acknowledgement I think. My Mum is very much a ‘put up and shut up’ sort of person (who bottles her own frustrations up until they erupt unfortunately) and I don’t want to go that same route.
IL’s just don’t really get how difficult it is I suppose, they try but more often than not I find myself having to defend myself and my parenting to them than anything else?
When they started walking I was so so proud and told the Grandparents, all I got back was ‘well it was about time they caught up - we were starting to think there was something wrong’ - but when I bring up the potential ASD element, they just tell me how I’m wrong to think they may be on the spectrum! Despite my having the support of medical professionals (I didn’t even include the multiple appointments the twins have each month) and having done a hell of a lot of reading on the matter. Sadly DH has stuck his head in the sand about it until we have a clear diagnosis he doesn’t want to implement any techniques which I find infinitely frustrating. 
They’re happy enough most of the time, even whilst going through her clingy phase DD is a cheeky little lady who is full of smiles and giggles. DS has just started seeking cuddles and affection which is lovely. I just don’t often feel I can enjoy what small developments do occur because the focus is always on getting them to the next step (from the medical side and from family). Ugh I’m moaning too much but it’s cathartic to put this down into words.
As the Mumsnet saying goes ‘this too shall pass’ but I already feel I missed out on enjoying them as babies. Four month NICU stay from birth - premature and neither weighed a KG, slew of health issues and constantly fearing the worst would come to pass. Very luckily got them home, DD had to remain on oxygen for a year which saw us tethered to the tiny flat we were living in then. At that time I was so focused on getting their weight up, keeping DD healthy (and DS of course but he thankfully didn’t have the health complications DD had in NICU) and also putting in as much effort as possible to get us a house sorted via Social Housing, getting to appointments. Fighting with my GP over their inoculations etc. Social Services getting involved after I self referred for help and feeling like they were more interested in adding to the stress than actually helping (which has lead to my constantly fearing the state of our house being too bad that if they turn up for a surprise check after our case being closed the whole thing will start up again).
I feel like I missed a lot. Now I feel I’m missing out on what I can do to help them I guess?
I have no advice OP, it sounds beyond tough. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug and hope you get some well deserved support soon.
Thank you - I don’t like to moan too much because I inherited some of my Mum’s nature to just carry on.
SleepDeprivedElf thank you for sharing and I am sorry you have to endure a chronically ill partner as well. It is so difficult not to show my fears of my DH’s health deterioration to my Twins and as you said, having to be the one that carries the whole load and having to do so with a smile plastered on a lot of the time is exhausting.
I’m glad your DH has gotten some more effective pain management - I’m trying to convince DH to fight his GP for better relief as he has known kidney/liver issues after he nearly died of MRSA in 2012 and I don’t feel they’ve taken this into consideration when they’ve had him on strong Ibuprofen and Paracetamol for two years which do sweet FA for the internal scarring around his lung and liver (the main cause of the pain after the Pleural Effusion)!
I did have a Homestart rep visit with Social Services after I self referred but they sort of took a step back and didn’t really get involved at all and I have to admit I hadn’t thought of checking it again now I’m living in a new area. I’ll have a look online today thank you 
I have been candid with IL’s/My Mum and Step Dad but they have a lot on their own plates that I don’t want to add to their loads. MIL runs her own dog walking business which started as a small venture but is now the main source of income for her and her husband since his diagnosis of MS and his Mother has vascular dementia so their time is spent trying to help care for her.
My Mum has my teenage brother and sister at home still and my Step Sister who has severe MH issues. Step Dad is self employed as well.
FIL is 72 and self employed. He can’t manage one twin now they’re so mobile and demanding. When they can help they come to my house and often times they aren’t able to stay for long. So I know I’m not alone even in my immediate family to have a lot of pressures and I certainly don’t want to add to anybody else’s.
Friends sadly none left bar two who are (by their own admission) crap with children 😂
@UpToonGirl I wasn’t aware of being eligible for additional financial support without a diagnosis thank you! We are pretty much on the poverty line which does also impact what I can do in a month to take the twins out and about. I’ll raise this with my HV and see if she can help me go through the paperwork or point me in the right direction
Unfortunately DH is back in hospital (as of yesterday) - preliminary diagnosis of Pneumonia but no clear answer as to what type yet.
So I’m frazzled, feel a lot less uncontrollably emotional since making this post and the lovely replies.
The twins are acting out because their Dad is away again and I know they can sense my worry and I’ve tried to explain in a way they can understand why I’m feeling that way and where their Dad is but I don’t know how much is understood. I sense they understand a lot more than they can speak to if that makes sense?
Saving grace is that for the first time in what feels like an age (dramatic I know 
) the twins went to sleep at 8pm - which compared to the sleep dodging antics most nights that sees them up until 10/11pm - is a blessed reprieve (that I hope will continue into tomorrow’s bedtime but I’m not holding my breath!).
Thank you for asking SleepDeprivedElf I haven’t been asked that question in a fair while 😊
Also following the advice about lowering the focus on getting the twins to progress and just trying to enjoy their company and let play progress naturally which is difficult for me as it won’t be an overnight fix for my anxiety around their progression, but I want to thank all posters and @picklesdragonisawelshdragon for the last line of your last post Just play and love and touch as often as you can it’s become a bit of an internalised mantra for me since I read it and along with the MN favourite ‘this too shall pass’ I’m muddling through a bit better
Still feel exhausted and fraught most days, but there’s a bit more positivity coming through and I think putting it in writing helped me confront a lot of personal issues that stemmed from the first year of their life and has affected me more than perhaps I previously acknowledged. When they were very little at birth the focus was on feed and get them to grow as much as possible, I was told to keep a diary of feeds/meds/nappies/sleep pattern and I did so meticulously because if they were ever back in hospital it would be useful information. However that became a crutch for me, I relied on totalling up how much they’d drink in a 24hr period, enjoyed seeing how they improved (especially DD as she had so many problems feeding from a bottle and I couldn’t breastfeed) week on week and I had it down in writing that they’d fed enough - I didn’t need to doubt myself for their eating habits or if they were getting enough of the right balance.
So when they graduated to solid foods and as they get bigger I know logically that their appetites will change and their growth will slow, but I’m constantly pressuring myself with what they do and don’t eat in a day that I’ve realised I became obsessive.
Thankfully I was reassured that it didn’t come across that way to DH (and by his assertion to our DC) when we spoke on the phone earlier today.
I try very hard to remain outwardly positive and neutral around eating - which can be damn difficult when DD is happily dropping each individual piece of her food on the floor before eating a morsel, then she will eat two or three pieces and complain that she doesn’t have more! Thank goodness for easywipe floor mats 😂. But internally I was constantly berating myself for not being 100% confident they were eating enough in a day and that I had no way of knowing.
But then I realised and I know my Mum has said this to me a lot, I do know because I know what they get like when they’re hungry. They aren’t shy about making it known. DD mainly babbles still, but has some solid vocabulary now and demands ‘biscee’ whenever she’s hungry (she loves biscuits and would live off them if she could).
DS simply toddles over to his high chair and starts banging his fist on the tray attachment to tell me he’s hungry.
And as I type this stupidly long update, I have just realised I’ve been so focused on trying to get them to speak I haven’t fully realised how far they’ve come in communicating with me in the ways they know how. These are only recent developments (since they turned 2 last October) so I know they’re making steady but sure progress.
As my Mum said to me earlier on the phone ‘you really need to stop overthinking everything’ yep, she’s quite right but how I switch that habit off I’ve yet to figure out 
Thank you thickofit I don't know if I'm strong but I try to be, it's something positive my Grandfather instilled in me when he was still alive. He wasn't a 'good' man by far, but he tried his best for me and my siblings when we were young.
The twins are being re-sleep trained but it's a bit more difficult this time as last year when the grief was still extremely new we all go into a habit of late nights/late risers. Back then they slept like champions as they weren't as mobile or interactive with one another.
Now they've got a lot more mobility and interest in keeping each other awake for fun that they keep themselves up regardless of what time I have them awake for, how well timed their naps are or any other things I can think of to ease them back into an early night (other than cutting their nap as they become practically feral without it ).
I think it's a phase that will get worse before it gets better but I need to adopt DH's approach which is to leave them to chatter and roll about until they're worn out (only going back through to them if they sound distressed or getting far too noisy).
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