Should I move?(6 Posts)
Am in a bit of a complex situation but would really appreciate some objective advice if any of you can bear with me long enough to read this!
My mum and 2 younger half-siblings have recently moved up the country (2hrs away) to a very rural setting and I am really considering following her. There is a beautiful cottage ready for me should I decide to go with my son.
I have been very ill (heart failure) and am still recovering and my son has brittle asthma which is made worse by cold weather and allergies, so the hospital has been a big part of our lives. Worries here are that v rural setting could make it difficult plus colder in winter could make my son much worse. However, all benefits of no pollution, slower way of life would surely help. I feel like it could be a fresh start for us, leave the hellish 4 years of very ill very hard times behind and start again. Or we could move and be more ill and struggle more.
The schools up there have around 13 kids per year, so my 7 year old son would have a better chance at getting the help he needs (sen assessments due to start in sept).
Financially I am completely dependent on benefits at present. Rent for the cottage is £175 pcm cheaper than what I currently pay. I don't have any savings. My motability car is due for return in Nov and if I moved I think I would need a 4x4 which would be about £3k deposit. Plus cost of moving. I've just spent quite a lot of money on my current house, (even though it's a renter - I doubt I'll ever be able to buy and I'd never want to move from here otherwise) would it all be a waste?
My son is having a really hard time about his absent father, whom he has never met. He wants to meet him and I have tried to contact him but he just ignores me. Son has been wetting bed, praying to God to send us a daddy etc. Moving away would get him further away from a dad who has turned his back on him and maybe give us a chance at finding someone to look after us. The chance of me meeting anyone where I currently live is nil, and besides I have been too ill to even entertain thinking about finding someone. It has been v hard doing it all on my own.
I would be moving 3 hours away from my dad and step mum, who I absolutely adore. I talk on the phone to them every day and see them once or twice a month so that doesn't necessarily need to change.
I'm miserable, I've put 8st on in 3yrs and I just hate the general area where I live. I live in a semi rural area which itself I love but it is nothing in comparison to up there. I'm not a townie, I love the outdoors, but my life for so long has meant I needed to be close to them. I'm still not well, I'm due to see an endocrinologist too now. I have my life set up here now, I have help at home paid for by the council and family not too far away, we live on a lovely estate where my son has lots of friends and it's very safe. The thought of starting again is quite scary.
I should mention my mum and I have had quite a turbulent relationship but now things are a bit better. She has been very ill too - stroke, hole in heart and breast cancer - and it has changed her (awful to say for the better). I love my little bro and sis and my son adores them. I'm not leaving behind a big circle of friends, I have 2 really but I don't see them much.
I think I'd feel better about it if the health things weren't so big and also if I was more financially secure. I guess I need to start buying lottery tickets. I miss working, I have an MSc and I was studying a further MSc in social work before I got sick. I wish I could work, but it's just not an option at mo. I wish I wish I wish, that's what I feel my life is like!
I don't think I'm brave enough.
1) volatile telationship with your mother. In an isolated place, that would be magnified a hundredfold. And you would be far more vulnerable because it is so isolated.
2) your medical needs. Distance from hospital vital potentially. And could be v inconvenient at best. Very socially isolating too.
3) son's friends where you are now.
4) son's education. Small schools don't have the specialism needed to treat kids with specialist needs.
5) finances. You can't afford the kit necessary to make it liveable (4wd etc).
6) you don't say where you live now but assuming it is less remote, I'm not clear why you think there's more chance of finding a partner by moving to the middle of nowhere - ? Also your son's father would still be completely disengaged wherever you are so not sure how loving fixes that either.
In short - I think you need to reexamine the rationale behind finding this idea attractive and ask in a broader sense what else might improve your situation. Because I don't think this is the answer.
Whenever I think about moving, I always think about what's driving me to want to do it. And often, it comes down to wanting something to end or feeling like I need a new beginning. But when push comes to shove, i would still be me with all my issues, I'd still have them. Just give myself a massively difficult time to find that out - cost, hassle, finding new friends, etc etc.
*moving not loving in the last paragraph.
Thank you both for your replies. I've given it a lot of thought, compared hospitals and ofsted reports and Jenny I think you're right. The schools are better here and considering my son's difficulties I know the right place for him is here. I also think until I'm a bit further down the road healthwise it would be foolish to move from the established team I have.
Travail I also think you have a really good point. What I've learnt from this is I really am fed up with my current position and I need to sort myself out.
Now might not be the right time, but one day
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