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confused about friend

(26 Posts)
LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 13:29:13

I have a friend who I love so dearly more than anything or anyone in the entire world and have always felt so strongly about my love for him, I really do love him so much but only in a friendly way. He is my best friend.

This guy is terminally ill and hasn't got long to live - a few years at the latest. I know my love for Phil will never die but lately I find myself distancing myself from him and I feel awful and confused, esp because I do love him so much and would really die myself for him if it meant keeping him alive. I would do anything for him and him for me. He's always there when I am down, makes me laugh, is fantastic company and just the bestest friend anyone could have but I am so cofused and hurt why I seem to be distancing myself away from him

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 13:31:05

You are trying to protect yourself from the loss. But when it happens you will take comfort from the time you spent with him. And he needs you. Take a deep breath and call him, you will find you get over the awkwardness and it will be like before.

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 13:39:12

I thought that myself that maybe I was distancing myself then maybe the pain wouldnt be so bad when he finally goes. I often think about life without him and end up crying. Ironically he is always the one to reassure me about the possibility of his death!

I do still see him all the time even tho I feel this awkwardness. He's always around here, it's like his second home and it's like we're stuck together. I feel so comfortable around him and yet so awkward at the same time.

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 13:42:42

the distancing doesn't help, the only thing that will help is knowing you've been there with your friend. When it actually happens you forget about this kind of reasoning and focus on the person you lost, protecting yourself seems irrelevant and unimportant. Try and forget your own fears in this and concentrate on your friend. Dying doesn't change who he is.

NomDePlume Tue 16-Aug-05 13:43:16

Your reaction sounds entirely natural, LMOM. I wonder whether speaking to a bereavement counsellor, someone like CRUSE, might help. I know you are not yet bereaved but they should have some techniques and ideas to help you get over this and start enjoying what time your friend has left.

NomDePlume Tue 16-Aug-05 13:44:24

Cruse bereavement care website, phone numbers etc

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 13:45:55

I don't do it knowingly, I just realise I'm doing it when he's around or something as we are both really affectionate people and I find myself not going for the hugs I used to go for and just thing like that but I must make a concious effort. Everything I do I do try to think of it as making his last moments in life memorable and special. I do love him so much and would hate to hurt my matey

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 13:47:23


what is the illness, if you don't mind saying?

NomDePlume Tue 16-Aug-05 13:47:49

Of course you would, LMOM. Phone cruse, please.

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 13:47:51

Thanks NDP, thats brilliant will have a look on their website

thanks ninah for your help too x

NomDePlume Tue 16-Aug-05 13:48:16

0870 167 1677

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 13:51:17

He's got the AIDS virus and has also become partially sighted (not sure if it's AIDs related of not)

NomDePlume Tue 16-Aug-05 13:54:17

You could also try the Terrence Higgins Trust, a service especially for AIDS & HIV sufferers and their loved ones. Their helpline may be able to help you too \link{http://www.tht.org.uk/THT site}

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 13:54:42

a close friend of mine was diagnosed HIV about a year ago
He has a whole cocktail of drugs to take and so far seems well apart from some joint pains
I understand you can live a healthy life for years with HIV pos diagnosis, but it's the unpredictability of it ...
We aren't in touch as much as we used to be cos of logistics, but I'm gonna email him now I've read this
Hope cruse can help you x

NomDePlume Tue 16-Aug-05 13:54:44

Bum, rubbish link !

THT site

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 13:58:04

We went to the clinic with the flu last winter and doc told us then he didnt have long. He's all skin and bones although he eats loads (good job i'm a good cook!!!) he still has a healthy appetite and amazingly good energy for whats happening to his body but the decline in how active he used to be and the way you see him live his life and how he walks so tiredly like an old man breaks my heart, but he says he is happy and content with life right now but nonetheless I do need to prepare myself for the possible.

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 14:00:23

must be heartbreaking - I do understand your instinct to protect yourself - sounds like you are doing a great job being there for him despite this

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 14:01:12

Please do email him ninah. We dont really talk about it as I end up in tears but I think it was passed on genetically and then only now, in his 20s has developed but he's had a fantastic life, a very loved guy.

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 14:04:16

will do, I'll email now, thanks.
my friend went the 'traditional' (or should I say stereotypical) route (sex drugs rock n'roll)
a bit of me is still furious with him

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 14:05:06

the thing is, he doesnt moan, i moan more than him then feel dreadfully guilty. He gets really really fatigued and on days he's around here he's mostly asleep or resting. Like your friend, takes around 10 tablets per day and has to set alarm in middle of night to even take 2 of the pills. I know he is in such pain but he never ever moans or lets it show and if I cry about it he's always the first one to have his arm around me and fooling around to cheer me up.

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 14:08:17

you never think you're going to catch it I guess and even me, in my rebellious mid teens was sleeping around unprotected and even once recently had a scare when condom with exdp split but thankfully was neg. Thank god I didnt catch anything. I can't imagine what it must be like to live my life in real pain.

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 14:10:44

that's even more heartbreaking that he is being so brave! I'm sure he knows he can talk to you if he needs
is he close to family? my friend is not, really, and I think his parents are too devastated and shocked anyway to help

ninah Tue 16-Aug-05 14:14:03

I know! but my friend almost had a deathwish
I went to his first test with him over 10 years ago, he was bricking it and was SO relieved when neg
I guess he got blase, and it caught up with him
there's no undoing it then

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 14:17:10

Doesnt speak to parents because they knowingly had him when they knew they were HIV positive but he's got friends and I love him sooooo much my heart actually aches sometimes it loves him so much!

LittleMadamOfManchester Tue 16-Aug-05 14:19:02

for your friend. Even though he was reckless no one deserves to have a life threatened by death and painfull illness but you always think 'nah, it wont happen to me' and then it does

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