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Needinghelp staying strong

(18 Posts)
Awhowcutewhentheysleep Wed 04-Nov-09 19:56:23

Okay, well I'm very new to this. And have flicked through a few chats and thought maybe I could get someone elses advice. I thought it was just me that had the ex from hell. Its extremely comforting knowing I'm not alone and I'm not going completely mad. My excouldn't bothered with me or our daughter or my daughter from a previous relationship,in fact he was beyond disgusting towards my eldest. I finally found the courage to tell him it was over and he told me he wanted nothing to do with his daughter. Now he's changed his mind. He "wants me back, has seen the error of his ways and will be perfect partner and dad to both girls". Yeah right of course you will. I've had to threaten restraining orders with helpof solicitor due to him sending 30 page pleading letters, 100's of text messages well into the early hours of the morning aswell as all day.So now when he sees his daughter (3 separate occasions in 8 months) he tries to guilt me into getting back with him with the old line of "you're ruining their chances of a normal happy family life". I'm exhausted and have never felt so alone. My friends always hated him and family and now we've split hate hearing his name and don't want to hear the bits that i desparately need to voice to confirm (I think thats the word I need) that I am right and I need help to stay strong. I really just want to hit him with a frying pan everytime I see him.

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 20:02:33

First thing is you did the right thing in leaving - you know this 100%. Second you are right not to believe him with his bullshit - it's just a control thing - you have had the bloody cheek to refuse to accept his crap and left him - now he would like you to come back so that he can have another go at grinding you down. And your daughters.

He sounds a bit mental to be honest.

Why don't you tell us what it is you can't tell your relatives/ friends - you wont be the only woman on here who has been through this - I promise you!

AnyFuckerForSomeParkin Wed 04-Nov-09 20:08:37

if you feel you have used up your friends/families patience, then vet away on here

there is always someone to listen

and like mrsb said, always someone to identify with you and share horrendous expartner tales

AnyFuckerForSomeParkin Wed 04-Nov-09 20:09:15

I meant vent away on here

Awhowcutewhentheysleep Wed 04-Nov-09 20:28:06

Its not so much what I can't tell them they'rejust sickof me mentioning it. He goes on and on.He used to shout and scream and swears he's changed. There's no danger at all of me going back, I feel after 5 years of hell and mental torture I deserve better and my girls definately do.
We never lived together, he always refused. He said he wanted more kids but not with me. He had control of my bank accounts and all the phone bills from my home went to his email account and he used to question me. He belittled me infront of my kids and then made them feel bad including his own daughter. NOw he sees his daughter, but when it suits him of course and never on a weekend so I can have metime. He's caught wind that another man is trying to woo me and this has sparked all this. His temper keeps slipping every couple ofdays but he makes out its all in my head. He actually made me think I was crazy. He'd move things or deny that I'dtold him things I was doing to try and confuse and disorrientate me.And it worked until he slipped up by writing a date on a calendar that I'd given him then when I said right I'm off now he said I'd saidnothing aboutit and I was being secretive. But it wasthere in blackand white. It gavce me strength to get away but he still scares me. Told me 2 weeks ago that if he sees me with someone else he'll stab him. So now I'm scared to move on with this guy. ARGH!!!!!

AnyFuckerForSomeParkin Wed 04-Nov-09 20:34:22

ohhhhh, he sounds seriously awful, you poor thing

can you keep a record of any emails, letters etc as proof

or write down everything he says/does in the form of a journal as evidence of his harassment

speak to Womens Aid, he is abusing you, they will advise you probably to inform the police and obtain a restraining order

by the way, your posts would be easier to read if you space it out in paragraphs like I have

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 20:50:21

yeah, mental. Record everything he says and all his threats. He tried to drive you insane because he is a screw up and the only bit of power he has is to fuck you and your daughters up so that he can control you. Why would he stop just because you have left him? He will move onto some other poor woman in time.

Can you see about getting an injunction? if he is staking or harassing you or your new bloke he can be done for it. I wouldn't be letting him see your DD unsupervised either.

I have read stories like this from women on here before - some have been through hell and you marvel at their strength but a lot of them get through it and get out the other side. I hope some come along soon to tell you how to get through it.

Awhowcutewhentheysleep Wed 04-Nov-09 20:51:19


I have all his msgs etc and endless letters. Solicitor has warned him twice. Only one draw back he is a police officer and covers my area.

He's a totalnightmare. His mum tried to calm him. He's contacted my mum to try get her to "talk to me and make me see sense" even though he hated her and banned her seeing me and kids. She told him to talk a long walkoff short pier.

I'm grateful for her doing that but its still him in my life. It won't just switch off in my head.

Awhowcutewhentheysleep Wed 04-Nov-09 20:55:23

He sees DD with his mum around at moment as he is back living with her due to being deep in debt. so i know DD is safe at least and she rings me whenever he is out to make sure i'm ok and to make sure I know the lies he tells me re:her aren't true. Its crazy

AnyFuckerForSomeParkin Wed 04-Nov-09 20:55:53

oh yes, I have no wish to generalise about police officers but I have heard of quite a few of them being right fucking nasty bastards

especially when they don't get their own way

see your solicitor again, obtain an injunction

he deserves to have his career harmed for attempting to terrorize and bully you in this way

PerArduaAdAstra Wed 04-Nov-09 20:56:04

Solicitor warning him has no legal standing - get a proper injunction if you can. And talk to WA about how else to protect yourself? He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

And if he's not sticking to a specific access day/time for your DD, then why not withdraw contact until he will? Just because he's shouting doesn't mean he has more of a say smile

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 20:58:46

Have you posted about him before? someone posted a while back about an abusive nutjob of a partner who was also a policeman. I suppose there is no reason why they should be any less likely to be tossers than the general male poplation.

I know it is easy to say it but I would be looking to use his job against him - or use it to protect myself. What would he do if you threatened to write to his superior officers with proof of his threatening behaviour?

Awhowcutewhentheysleep Wed 04-Nov-09 21:09:41

I threatened his job and he backed off and toned it down but not stopped completely. Just changed tactic. not threats but grovelling apologies. then when he picks DD up asks when i'm going to grow up and sit and talk about this likeadults.

Its frustrating. He also speaks about me to others making out i'm a whore. Feel like I'm trying to swimthrough jelly x

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 21:23:32

Ok so the job thing is his Achilles heel.

Use it. Mean it. Dictate your terms - any and all threats or unacceptable behaviour will be reported. Write a letter setting out what he has done and continues to do and then send it to him. Tell him any more messing about and the same letter goes to his bosses. If he so much as looks the same side of the road as your new bloke he gets reported. Tell him you are no longer in his power and if he messes with you he will regret it.

Awhowcutewhentheysleep Wed 04-Nov-09 21:30:34

That sounds perfect.Never thought of actually drawing that up. That'd stop him, well if it didn't he'd be up shits creek.

I'm just such a wimp. Well,no I'm not I've come this far alone I suppose,its just that final hurdle. Thankyou, that's helped alot. Wish I'd found you all about four and a half years ago. never mind better late than never.

Men should never underestimate women. I'll hhave a think about wording etc,then get the emails and letters from my folks etc and put it all together.

Thankyou so much x

AnyFuckerForSomeParkin Wed 04-Nov-09 21:33:52

make sure that your own letter is not worded in an abusive way though

just stick to the facts, in a reasonable tone

mrsboogie Wed 04-Nov-09 21:37:24

glad to be of help. of course if you have copies of incriminating emails, texts etc so much the better! copies of the letters from your solicitor to show he has been warned in the past and plenty of detail re dates and times - that'll look nice and official and put the wind up him good and proper.

good luck!

Awhowcutewhentheysleep Wed 04-Nov-09 21:49:49

I've been very carefulwith my messages and totally honest with solicitor when I've lost my temperafter being pushed too far. LIke telling me he was goingto take my daughter from me or have her 50/50 (over my dead body).

My solicitor has transcripted allmessages and I have still got saved the ones she hasn't.

He made me hate and thats not me and I hate that,so I keep my tongue under control. Very difficult when I want to ram it all in his face. I've opened my eyesthough and seen what a pathetic excuse he is for a father and general human being.

You've been more help than you know mrs b, and I'mvery grateful

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