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My friend left her children ...........

(228 Posts)
RubyrubyrubyScaryBin Tue 03-Nov-09 10:14:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours Tue 03-Nov-09 10:18:55

Have you talked to her about why she did it?

thedollshouse Tue 03-Nov-09 10:19:16

A tricky one. I have a friend who did the same, I felt guilty because I hadn't even realised that she was having marriage problems and felt that I should have been there for her when she was going through the difficulties.

It is not a good idea to judge others as we are not in their shoes and can never really know what is going on. In my friends case a lot of her reasons for leaving were selfish, it was hard not to judge but her mother left her as a child which I am sure played a part in her decision.

I think all you can do is be there to provide support and listen.

suwoo Tue 03-Nov-09 10:23:05

I also have a friend who did this to set up a young, free and single life with her new boyfriend. I found it hard to understand how she could do it and I did distance myself. We have started communicating more often, just lately.

She did have a lot of issues in her marriage and her DH was a twat, but leaving 2 girls is not something I could ever contemplate but yes...walk a mile in her shoes and all that.

cornflowers Tue 03-Nov-09 10:46:27

A friend of mine is contemplating doing just this at the moment. Her exDH left her 2years ago for a younger woman, leaving her with four dc aged between 1 and 15. The older two dcs don't get along, fight constantly etc. The younger two are also a handful. Her exDH is supposed to be paying towards her mortgage under the terms of the divorce but he was recently made redundant and is now saying he can no longer afford to pay and that she must sell the house. He lives about an hour away and has very sporadic contact with his dcs. My friend moved to the town where she is now living several years ago because it was convenient for her dh's work (at the time) & close to his parents. Her own family are at the other end of the country, and she has little support here. She keeps saying that she just wants to leave, to force her exDH to take some responsibility for his children, the house sale etc. He has spent the past two years gadding about with his new wife, overseas hols etc, whilst she has descended into depression, despair, drinking too much etc. She has tried counselling etc. I no longer know what advice to give her, but feel very sad for her children who have been neglected by both parents throughout this process

womblemonster Tue 03-Nov-09 10:47:56

All very well saying don't judge etc. etc. but a mother's job is to protect her kids, end of story. If she can't do that then
a) she has no self-respect and needs professional help, or
b) she is in an abusive situation and needs professional help - certainly not friends' shoulders to cry on.

I'm not surprised you want to give up on her - she is breaking the ultimate taboo and doing something that you never would.

I have a similar situation that is also bothering me. Before I knew that the mother had left home I already had a really bad impression of her, found her really rude and sloppy so never made an effort to get to know her even though her little girl plays regularly in the park with mine. I know the father quite well, they keep coming round uninvited. To cut a long story short the mother has left the home and comes to visit the child during the week. It's really sad to see the direct impact this has had on the little girl who is whingy, demanding, generally attention-seeking and is turning into a tell-tale who puts other kids in a bad light so she can get attention. The sad truth is that the mother is a selfish cow, complaining of having no money and then leaving home and buying a BRAND NEW car with full optionals one month later ??!!

Chickenshavenolips Tue 03-Nov-09 10:58:27

I'm afraid that I would find this hard to get past. My aunt left my four cousins, at the time they were aged between 6 and 11. She left because she wanted a carefree lifestyle, and has remarried and left children a further two times My cousins all carry the scars, twenty years on. It has a permanent and irreversible affect on a child to be abandoned. In the same way that I think a father leaving his kids is a waste of space, I have no time for a woman who does it.

RubyrubyrubyScaryBin Tue 03-Nov-09 11:03:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyWoman Tue 03-Nov-09 11:05:11

I think it depends on why she has left them.
If she needs the break from them then i think i could support her but if it is for selfish reasons then i think i could not continue with the friendship.

And the aguement that it is to get out of an abusive marriage just doesnt wash - why would you want to leave your children behind to the abuse.

currycrazy Tue 03-Nov-09 11:07:19

i agree with womblemonster,
my mum left me,my brother and sis when i was 13,my bro 1 and my sis 4.purely out of boredom i think.My dad is as far from abusive as you could get.This is no excuse anyway for walking away as how can you justify leaving your kids with someone of that nature?

i have since had my own child,2nd on way and i just cannot see ANY excuse for it unless of course the mother has mental issues,walks away for time being to seek help for issues??.....How any mother in their right mental state can just walk away i just cant get my head round.
my mum insists she had no other option,no money or whatever and we were better with my dad......er why?.........

she went off with some other bloke and had another child.she now sees my brother once a week if that for a couple of token hours (hes now 12) and my sister just doesnt bother with her either.....

have recently broken contact with her.As much as i have tried to see past it over the years i just cant.I think its a disgrace and ive told her so.She can never remember what days our birthdays are or what year we were born.....didnt even know whether her granddaughter was going to be 2 or 3........can quite easily remember new childs though

i dont even know what point im trying to make,ive gone off on a tangent! it just makes me so angry.I remember everyone rushing to take my dads side,all the mums at school passing comments about how disgusting she is etc..........

Chickenshavenolips Tue 03-Nov-09 11:11:01

So sorry currycrazy

RubyrubyrubyScaryBin Tue 03-Nov-09 11:15:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

womblemonster Tue 03-Nov-09 11:19:14

sad for you cc. But smile that your kids will have a lovely mum.

i could never do it
but men do it all the time - and are judged differently

prettyfly1 Tue 03-Nov-09 11:29:07

oh that is so sad. I cant imagine walking away from my little boy - I couldnt bear to not be where he is but I think if a friend were to do it my feelings would very much be dependent on whether they were still "involved" or not. If she really did completely cut them off or mess them about I wouldnt want to know her in the same way I would have no time for a male friend who did the same.

OrmIrian Tue 03-Nov-09 11:36:20

It is very hard to accept. At times I have felt like walking away - but that has been due to depression rather than anything else. I wouldn't do it but I can understand how it happens. And there are times when I feel they'd be better without me but again, I have to refocus and remind myself that isn't the way they'd see it.

currycrazy Tue 03-Nov-09 11:36:50

oh no worries im fine! probably a better mum for it,its made me more determined to be there for them,be the best mum i can be etc! thanks though smile

Carrotfly Tue 03-Nov-09 11:44:53

I could never do it, although from time to time I looong for a few hours all to myself.

A friend of mine admitted she was 'probably having a midlife crisis ' when she left her 4 children aged 16 - 10.

The kids and her DH were devastated and no longer have any contact with her. This is still quite a raw time for everybody as it only happened a few months ago. I've only seen her once, and tbh it was awkward.

She is 38 and now living with a new BF in a trendy flat in a trendy part of town, a whole new world away from her suburban comfortable life. She has said she had her kids too young and now she needs to live the life she should have had at 20.

Shame really.

You never really know what goes on behind closed doors as to the world she bragged about having such a wonderful life, loads of money ... sometimes the ones that shout too much ...

My friendship with her is over. I cant be friends with someone who intentionally sets out to cause such destruction in so many lives.

preciouslillywhite Tue 03-Nov-09 11:52:17

I am very confused at the double standard here. We're asked to believe on the one hand that Dads Have Rights and are somehow "the same" as mums- but dads walking away and leaving kids for a new life is met with a bit of a hmm and a tut, while women doing the same meet with all this vitriol- on here and in RL.

yes

OrmIrian Tue 03-Nov-09 11:59:58

I know lily - it is wrong but it's a deeply held feeling for many people. It just seems so so wrong.

Carrotfly Tue 03-Nov-09 12:04:01

I dont have double standards.

In my case, if it were the DH that left then I would no longer be friends with him either.

End of.

Callisto Tue 03-Nov-09 12:06:59

It seems like a huge double standard, but I wonder if it actually is? I think the problem is that fathers walk away from their children all of the time so it is not shocking (though it is dispicable behaviour). Women tend to stick with their children no matter what, so when women do make the decision to leave it shocks society and we condemn the women as selfish and immature. Of course men who dump their children are equally selfish and immature and I would imagine that most people think that too.

There is a bloke I know who has about 7 children with 4 different women and does his utmost not to pay a penny for any of them (aided and abetted by his equally odious father). Quite why so many women have had babies with him is beyond me, but I blame him for being an utter shit, rather than them for being naive, and so do most people who know him.

Miggsie Tue 03-Nov-09 12:08:43

My SIL left her kids.
She literally sold the house from under them, moved into a nice flat with her girlfriend and left her hsband and 2 teenage kids on the streets and refused to pay any maintenance (BIL unemployed, she had inherited a huge wad from her dad).

BIL and his 2 children ended up in a council house, the daughter became a teenage mother with a man who went to jail and was then deported and the son went through a real terrible behaviour phase. Luckily he is through this now.

I have no time for any parent who leaves their kids because it is too much trouble to stay, it is contemptible, father or mother.
I am not including victims of domestic abuse in this one of course.

But leaving your kids because you can have a better life without them...it's just terrible

Fabster Tue 03-Nov-09 12:11:42

I can't understand it at all as my mother left me as a baby and has always chosen what she wants over me.

When I was settled she caused problems so I had to move, once after 3 1/2 years where I was really happy, only to decide the next day she didn't want me anymore.

Where I was desperately unhappy she stayed away.

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