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I feel like I'm being unreasonable. Am I?

(31 Posts)
BertieBotts Tue 13-Oct-09 18:34:04

I am in the process of leaving my partner. I do think it is an abusive relationship and he probably has NPD (have posted threads about him before, will link my list of reasons to leave in a minute) and I absolutely definitely have made up my mind and am leaving no matter what, but I am feeling guilty about things.

My mum wants me to leave during the day while DP is at work, so that we can get all my stuff moved. I don't know how he will react so this does seem sensible, however I can't help but feel it's a shitty thing to do to leave behind his back. She keeps telling me I have no choice - if I try to have a serious conversation with him he will avoid avoid avoid or get defensive - the only time he will talk to me is in the car and that puts him in control.

Anyway, she also thinks I should keep my address secret and refuse contact with him for a minimum of 2 weeks. I feel this is quite a long time to keep him from having contact with DS and I am wary of becoming the ex who "doesn't let" him see his son. He is barely here during the week and seems to expect DS to be in bed when he gets home though so I don't know realistically whether he would miss him, it just feels wrong to me to stop him seeing his son. But then I am leaving partly for DS' protection, and again I don't know how he will react. When I spoke to him before he veered from saying he'd try for custody to saying he wouldn't have anything to do with DS, and that would be my fault.

So basically I know he has been a complete twat, but I am feeling guilty for taking his son away and not being able to tell him face to face that I am leaving. And I feel bad because he does seem to be trying to change things since we last spoke, but he just does not "get it" on any level and has not changed the things that matter. And I don't love him any more, so why am I feeling sorry for him??

BertieBotts Tue 13-Oct-09 18:35:41

Found the list.

Alibooobaandthe40phantoms Tue 13-Oct-09 18:43:55

Having read that list, I am only going to say one thing.

Listen to your mother. She is absolutely 100% correct in everything she is advising you to do.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Tue 13-Oct-09 18:44:01

He'll never 'get it' BB. This is what you have to learn to accept. At the moment, his opinion of you matters so much. It will still wrankle you that he thinks you've done HIM an injustice when the other way round is more like it!!

But still, I know where you're coming from.

If you could tell him face to face that you're leaving while your children are already at your mum's then that would be an option.

My x often threw it back in my face that I'd snook off. Well, I tried to and he became violent. Is your partner agressive? sorry I can't remember from the other thread..

Leaving is one of the triggers for men like this, and I read that list before I left too, and I hoped that I wouldn't be one of the ones who got a pasting for leaving but I was and I did.

He attacked me with my children watching, well, within earshot (dc1) and dc2 was only 18 months and strapped into buggy.

If you can face it, tell him in person withOUT the children, but if not, you don't owe it too him. NOT after a bad relationship.

I felt very sorry for my x too when I left him first. I cried the first night I "escaped" because I could see the world through his eyes, and what had happened from his perspective. Although, he never saw a single thing from my perspective!!

This passes eventually in time if you have as little contact as possible. I still feel angry with him and I still pity him, but it's on a lower level of my consciousness now, ykwim? I couldn't have gone on seeing everything through his eyes for ever! feeling the weight of HIS disappointment - when I had so much of my own to come to terms with.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Tue 13-Oct-09 18:45:28

ps, totally agree with your mum about keeping your new address secret! you don't OWE it to him.

NOT telling him will send out a clearer message to him that you are a separate person, no longer under his jurisdiction.

Tbh, it will take him months to get to grips with that, so strat now. Don't tell him your address.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Tue 13-Oct-09 18:48:20

omg, I just read your list.

He sounds if anything worse than my x. My x didn't text me several times a day and he didn't flirt with 17 year olds.

I agree with your mum, sneak off during the day. Don't tell him your address.

GOOD for you though BB. I'm glad for you. mx

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 13-Oct-09 18:49:29

Listen to your mum and everyone else. Get the fuck away from this man without leaving a forwarding address. Before he kills you or your DS.
You can make contact through a solicitor or third party to allow him supervised access to DS, but don't allow unsupervised access as this man is extremely dangerous. He sounds exactly the sort of man who, when his wife gets up the strength to save herself by leaving, either attacks her or at a later date attacks or tries to kill the children.
ANd don't feel guilty for one second. He has brought it all on himself, and doesn;t deserve a partner or a child.

overmydeadbody Tue 13-Oct-09 18:50:50

I agree with everything Maggie has said.

Your mother is right, listen to her for goodness sake.

Stop worrying yourself with how he will feel, put yourself and your children first. Two weeks is not a long time to go without seeing their father. Then, you can arrange visitation rights and custody etc with a lawyer.

overmydeadbody Tue 13-Oct-09 18:51:39

Agree with SGB as well.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Tue 13-Oct-09 18:51:45

ps, sorry, just another thought here.

If I were you I'd get a cheap pay as you go tesco mobile and throw out your old sim card.

Leave your old phone behind.

You contact all your friends and family with your new number.

If your x is anything like mine, you will haunted, haunted for weeks with texts and phonecalles at 4 am and 5 am etc.

Looking back on it, I don't know WHY I didn't do this.

Especially if you leave a note saying that you will be uncontactable for two weeks. You need to detach. You need space. You can't do that with your phone bleeping every ten second to tell you what a cruel, cold, heartless bitch you are, and how everything he's ever done was for you and how you are an ungrateful incompetent fool and how you've burnt your bridges and there'll be no going back and you'll be sorry and blah blah blah blah!!

Am I on the right track here??!?!?! Is it going to be like that/?

Please get a cheap pay as you go.

WinkyWinkola Tue 13-Oct-09 18:55:34

Oh my word. I've just read your list.

I don't think you need to feel at all guilty about leaving when he's at work. I don't think you have any choice frankly. Given the background, it's tough really if he misses his ds.

I also would be very concerned about unsupervised visits with your ds in actual fact.

Your mum is right - keep your address secret and make sure you and your boy are safe. I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this but you're definitely doing the right thing and doing it the right way - the safe way.

Good luck.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising Tue 13-Oct-09 19:00:28

Leave the list on the counter too! beside your old phone!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 13-Oct-09 19:06:29

I'd agree with getting a cheap PAYG phone with SIM, but don't leave the old handset behind if it's on contract. He'll run up your bill, probably calling porn lines. Switch it off, give it to your mum, take the SIM out, but don't leave it behind.

And agree with everything your mum says, too.

BertieBotts Tue 13-Oct-09 19:06:58

Short post because he is due home any minute. Thank you for your posts. Actually what Maggie said ie I don't owe him this has helped the most. I will keep reminding myself of that.

I will probably get the network to block his number and if that does not work then I will get a new sim card - just annoying as I have built up loads of deals on this number and I would hate to lose them just because of him - I get about £35 or credit from a single £10 top up and since I may not have a home phone for a while that will seriously impact my budget. Hopefully I can ask O2 to transfer most if not all of the deals to a new number.

I know he will bombard me with phone calls and texts so I do need to protect myself - I am trying so hard to do the right thing but you are right, DS and me are my top priority and he should be right down the list.

Found a nice place to see and going to view it on Friday. We have all had suspected swine flu and DS has had a chest infection so had been focusing on him for a while but back to leaving plans now I am looking forward to our new life.

sweetgrapes Tue 13-Oct-09 19:13:23

Don't leave any details of where you are going on your computer. Remember, he can check the history and temp folders and also may or may not have any passwords to email ids etc. Maybe change the passwords to be on the safe side.
Even on mnet- no actual details on any of these threads. Keep in touch with a RL friend and update us when you are ready.
Good luck and keep strong!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 13-Oct-09 19:17:20

How much furniture and so on are you taking? Eg, are you taking the computer? If not, wipe all your histories and run CCleaner. It's a start...

aristoBLACKcat Tue 13-Oct-09 19:25:48

OMG your list is shocking.

Be brave and think of yourself and DS.

Good luck smile

BertieBotts Tue 13-Oct-09 19:25:53

No I am taking my computer. Wayy too much evidence on here and he is a computer tech so could recover everything (even deleted files and stuff removed by CCleaner) unless I smash the hard drive. Such a waste of a decent laptop! I am taking my laptop and my computer - he got both for free and it's not like he doesn't have loads more. He has 2 laptops of his own. I don't think he knows my MN talk name. It's funny - he's a genius with computers but useless at actually using the internet. His idea of checking up on me on here was to type his own first name into the search box, and he can't use google for toffee.

He is very obvious when he has been snooping so I think I would know by now if he had passwords, but I will probably change them when I leave just in case. Does anyone know any programs I can run to eliminate the possibility of spy software he might have installed on it?

skihorse Tue 13-Oct-09 19:34:36

I was once in a Women's Aid refuge - the game plan there is:

i) it is the RULES that you do not give the address to your ex. If you must meet him you do it at LEAST one street away.

ii) it is quite normal for them to file an afa davit (?) requesting them to stay away.

You need time to gather your thoughts - for the time being, be "selfish" - fuck him and "his rights". Where were your rights for a healthy relationship?

StealthPolarBear Tue 13-Oct-09 19:36:55

good luck BB

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 13-Oct-09 19:37:55

You could try Spybot, but I don't know if it would find stuff that's been deliberately installed. He's not likely to know about/have installed a key-logger, is he?

BertieBotts Wed 14-Oct-09 14:24:42

He is a computer technician and does know about keyloggers. He has software on his PC which is supposed to crack hotmail passwords (but it doesn't work) - I think if he was suspicious he would want to try and spy on my computer usage. Luckily I'm pretty computer-savvy too And I know my way around the internet etc, whereas he deals more with the actual system processes of Windows and hardware etc.

gettingagrip Wed 14-Oct-09 15:44:55

Hello Bertie

Take your mum's advice and just go.

If he is a N he will not have the same feelings as you would if you came home to an empty house. It sounds to me as though your son will be better off without him anyway.

And LOL!!! at him putting his own name into search! That has to be the definition of a narc!!!

Good luck to you...I am just coming out the other end of this, and the thought that I can do whatever I like for the rest of my life without someone bringing me down all the time is just so amazing!!


MaggieBehaveOutGuising Wed 14-Oct-09 18:09:54

BB, i didn't know about key loggers til it was too late. I had no idea how my x was quoting back to me things I'd said.

Hope your escape plans are all going according to plan.


therealme Wed 14-Oct-09 18:35:56

BB, I made the mistake of allowing ex N into my house to visit the dc after he left and before my court hearing because he 'couldn't bear to be apart from them.'
He would turn up unannounced, treat the house as his own, did not engage with the dc at all and snooped through my private papers (including the recycling bin) to find information that he then proceeded to use to blackmail me.

Since the court hearing last Thurs where I was awarded a Safety Order he has seen the dc twice. On both occasions he cut short the visits. He then threw a wobbly because I asked him why he was reducing the access times and said he would not be seeing the dc until the access had been sorted out by his solicitor.
So much for not bearing to be apart from his dc eh?

Your partners 'need' to see his ds will only ever be about him getting his needs met by you. He will probably use his access rights to keep tabs on your life. His interest in his son will be to further his own interests.
Don't feel guilty - put your energy into loving and caring for your little boy - he is the one who deserves all your emotional attention now.

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