How do you handle one of you changing quite a bit over the years?

[MargyBargy]

I have been going for therapy over the last year. It has been an interesting process for me (and one that was necessary following a traumatic incident that happened to me).

What has come out quite clearly from therapy is that I downplay my needs/emotions in the relationship whereas dh is the polar opposite and expresses every little thing. So for example, if he has had a difficult day, he will come home and moan about it endlessly - if he is unhappy, he will be sure to let everyone know (and I am the sort of person who responds quite positively and works through problems with dh and helps him fix them). If I am upset/unhappy, I have tended to downplay it for the sake of the family, if that makes sense, so that the time we spend together is happy and I might mention it but downplay it.

I have begun making changes and starting to tell dh when I'm unhappy or things are going wrong. He isn't used to this and rather than offering a kind ear (which I hoped he would ), he gets all defensive and it ends up in row. So I am very tired as dh was snoring and then had a tough day at work so I came back and spoke to dh about it and he asked why I was tired and I told him and he says 'well what do you want me to do about it?!' (aggressively).

It's not quite working out how I had hoped lol or maybe I am thinking too much of how I would respond (with a kind ear) and this is starting to make me resent dh as I feel I'm making an effort and he's just being an arse. Or am I asking too much?

[pinkyp]

have u explained to him about your new approach? Maybe tell him you keep things bottled up too much and you would like to have a moan at him,but when you do your not having a go at him but you'd like to share your problems / issues. He might understand a little then. You could also be clashing a little, i.e if he comes home from work having a bad day and you've had a bad day maybe wait for the right moment to share (i dont know when ur doing it now) if you know what i mean

[nooka]

Maybe you aren't very good at doing the "I've had a bad day" and he's not very good at the "poor old you"? Does he offer solutions and they wind you up for example (that's supposed to be a classic male/female dialogue) have you told him how you would like him to respond (do you know?).

Snoring is a difficult one to handle - I've had similar issues and it is difficult because there isn't much the snorer can do about it (well there are a few things, but they have to want to do them) and it can feel like a bit of an attack.

I think that you need to think about how you would like him to respond, and then you need to tell him. Remember that he isn't a mind reader, and your natural response might not be his. That's not a failure, but a difference (still very annoying I concede!).

Good luck though, changing long held patterns of behaviour is not just about you, but about those who have got used to the way that you are, and may have difficulty adjusting.

[anonymous85]

Yeah maybe tell him what you have told us and what you have found out and working on through your therapy and ask for support with it first.

[MargyBargy]

thanks yes, maybe I need to be a bit more upfront about what is happening. I did explain it to him but I suspect that he still wasn't quite ready for me to be more open about everything lol.

that's a very good point nooka, I hadn't thought about it that way (about other people being used to my patterns of behaviour too).