grown ups with absent parents?

[moschops]

has anyone else never met one of their parents? in my case its my father but i didn't want to make it exclusively about dads because i guess mothers leave their children too.

my dad left when i was a baby, i didn't even know about him till i was 13 (but that is a whole other thread).

he has disappeared off the face of the planet...........no-one has seen or heard from him since the early 80's.

its rather strange not knowing if he is alive or dead, and my emotions about him are quite mixed up. i love him even though i have never met him, and don't really have any animosity towards him for leaving but at times i really rage about the fact that he abandoned me.........

i think i've mostly coped very well with the whole situation, but being 6 months pregnant i'm suddenly finding it very hard to understand how anyone could walk away from a child they had brought into this world...........especially a man who is considered by all who knew him to be a caring person. even my mum says he left and decided to go completely from my life for my benefit........he travelled a lot and said it was better he was just 'gone' than appearing in my life every three years or so.

i know his own family background is a very big factor in his absence but that conversation could keep Mumsnet going for months!!!!

is anyone else in a similar situation and if so how do you cope with it?

[mogwai]

I have never seen my parents in the same room. My mum got pregnant at 16 and my dad absolved himself of all responsibilities (I think he was 21). He later changed his mind but by then my mum was so cross with him she kind of used me to get back at him and wouldn't allow him access (sure this wouldn't be allowed these days). Having said that, we rarely if ever had any maintenance money from him - he used to give his job up whenever my mum wanted to take it to court.

I have met him now I'm an adult, I must admit he wasn't what I was expecting - we seemed to have a lot in common in personality terms (I'm certainly not like my mother) but I was disappointed because, once he had got off his chest what he wanted to say about the past - "your mother wouldn't give me access" - and had a moan about his wife - "she's had affairs" - he seemed disinterested in me.

This was the bit I couldn't really understand. When we arranged to meet up a second time, he wanted it all on his own terms (at a pub near his house) and on a night that suited him, he even cancelled our second meeting cos he had promised to look at a leaky tap in someone's house (he's not a plumber!).

In the end I gave up on him but was glad I had met him. He has telephoned me since, wanting contact, but I'm genuinely not interested as I feel I have nothing to gain. I don't feel animosity towards him, I just don't feel anything towards him, and he's not relevant to my life.

I think this is different from the situation you are describing because you haven't had chance to find out who he really is. IT would be so much better for you if you could, but obviously not possible. I think you probably have to think "it's his loss" and focus on the next generation, though I accept that's easier said than done. Are you sure you trust your mum's version of events, by the way? Does your dad definitely know you exist??

[Amanda1]

Message withdrawn

[moschops]

my dad definitely knows i exist, as my mum and dad were actually married and as far as i know they split up before my first birthday but he was around until i was about 2.

my mum is reluctant to talk about my dad but i do know he was seeing somene else while him and mum were married, and never made a secret of this fact either.......he wasn't violent or anything but just such a 'child' i suppose. he still wanted to be taking acid and 'tripping out' and just couldn't grasp he had a child to take care of.

i have tried looking for him (half heartedly) but to be honest at this point in my life i don't think it would add anything to meet him. it would just open up a whole can of worms which has taken me years to sort out. i think at some point in my life i would definitely like to find out more about him and if he's still alive even meet him.......

[fostermum]

maby we should staert a help me find thread seeing as where from all parts of the country?

[MaryP0p1]

Moschops, your Dad sounds very similar to mine, except mine didn't disappear again.

I don't communicate often with him but thats because I don't have to. For me my Dad is not a Dad like other people have Dad's he's more like a family friend nobody likes.... I love him but not like other people loves there Dad's. There's no history for that to be the case.

My DH Dad he doesn't speak to because his Dad lies a lot for no reason that because he's afriad of confrontation. My DH find that more difficult to understand and cope with.

[mogwai]

I think you hit the nail on the hea moschops; if there's nothing he can add to your life, it's best left alone. I felt like that for a long time.

I only approached him when I felt I was at a stage it wouldn't screw my life up if it wasn't what I expected. Turns out I timed it just right, I was curious to meet him, disappointed and surprised at what I found and happy to leave things alone.

You'll hit that point wheh the time is right for you, if it ever is.