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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Want to take a break from friendship but not sure if I am being fair

12 replies

sequinedsteaknife · 02/10/2009 18:56

I have known my friend for 13 years, we haven't always been in touch but when we have we are fast friends and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding.

When my DH left me a couple of months ago I was living overseas and very isolated. I left a couple of messages on her answerphone - nothing specific about my situation though.
I didn't hear from her for a while so in the end I sent a brief text on my situation. I got a text back along the lines of "well at least you can get on with your life"

I was very upset by this.

Some time later she emailed me asking how things were, I replied briefly saying I had been worried that I had not heard from her because I knew she had health problems so hoped she was okay.

Eventually I phoned her as I felt I was probably cutting off my nose to spite my face in not contacting her.

I told her I had been upset that she had not phoned me when she knew my situation and she said she had not phoned because she felt my text had been cold and emotionless and she didn't know how to deal with that.

Now if it was the other way around I would be straight on the phone to see if the other person was okay.

Since then I picked up an email she had sent before I called saying she had been poorly for a couple of weeks. So then I felt a bit bad because she had been ill.

But a bit of me just thinks we are on different paths at the moment. I saw her a couple of times a few months ago and each time I just felt we weren't in harmony (sounds cheesy but I can't express it any better) We still laughed about the same old things but some of the new things were out of synch. IYSWIM.

Anyway - yesterday I decided that I would leave things and leave it to her to contact me and today she sent a text. So not sure if I can be bothered to contact her again or not.

I kind of want to leave things for a while but the text today makes me think it would be rude not to respond as she is making an effort to contact me.

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sequinedsteaknife · 02/10/2009 18:57

gosh that was a long old moan wasn't it.

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Chickenshavenolips · 02/10/2009 18:59

How serious are her health problems? I'm just asking because if they are quite serious, it just sounds as though you both have quite major things going on in your lives. Sometimes everyone has to focus on themselves.

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FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED · 02/10/2009 19:03

I am a bit lost what your problem is to be honest. Do you want to stay friends or not?

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sequinedsteaknife · 02/10/2009 19:04

She had bronchitis for a couple of weeks - better now.
She has ongoing back problems - which is what I thought her silence was due to - but is fine with them at the moment.

I guess I hoped for more support from her and am disappointed not to get it.

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sequinedsteaknife · 02/10/2009 19:06

FBG - aw I'm just being a moaning minny - I would like to be friends but I don't feel very friendly. And don't know if I am being unfair on her as she obv wants to stay friends.

I guess I would like to able to let go of feeling cross at her and get back to being friends but I can't.

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Swedes2Turnips0 · 02/10/2009 19:16

You don't sound as though you like her very much and you sound as though you believe she doesn't like you very much.

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sequinedsteaknife · 02/10/2009 19:22

Does it come across like that Swedes?

I thought I was just cross at her and feeling let down. One of those 'like you don't like your actions' times, but I suppose it can make you question if you like the person too can't it?

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sequinedsteaknife · 02/10/2009 19:22

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motherlovebone · 02/10/2009 20:47

the only way to have a friend is to be one.

cant remember where i heard that but it seems apt here.
she wasnt really a friend when you needed her to be.
you have discussed it but it doesnt feel resolved...i would let it lie.
put your energy into creating new relationships.

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SolidGoldBrass · 02/10/2009 21:33

LEt it lie. There is nothing to be gained by confronting her and telling her she has been a Bad Friend, or indeed having a conversation about whether the friendship means as much to her as you think it ought to.
It does sound as though both of you have a lot going on in your own lives and should probably look for support elsewhere; you might well become closer again in the future, but if you've made a big deal out of ending the friendship, that's less likely.

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groundhogs · 02/10/2009 23:13

I think the fact that you were abroad, when your DH walked (evil.. - how are you coping with that?) you were, in your own words, isolated. This may have compacted your feelings, made you possibly far more sensitive.

Perhaps she didn't get the voicemails, perhaps she just didn't know what to say, but didn't tell you.. remote friendships are like that, can't tell you the number of times before I came back, i've gotten the 'ump over something that would barely register if I was back him in UK.

Try and get home, arrange a get together, to clear it all up. Sounds like you BOTH need a good friend!

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sequinedsteaknife · 03/10/2009 09:39

Groundhogs - DD and I have moved back home now, have been a month got nearly everything sorted except waiting on CB and CTC - but that's a whole other thread.

I don't usually worry about people not getting back to me, as you never know what is going on with others. So I expect you are right that the whole situation has made me more sensitive.

SGB - I see your point - I had arlready decided not to say anything further, I said my bit last time we spoke and hoped that was that. Just waiting for my emotions to catch up with my head.

So I'm going to reply nicely to her last text and let things rest for a while.