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I think my DH has asperger's maybe please come and talk to me!

(12 Posts)
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 22-Sep-09 10:00:21

Reposted due to nobody answering - yes I am impatient....

My head is turning and I don't know what to do. My FIL almost certainly has asperger's. They live in another country where ASD are not very well understood, and while they know he is 'unusual' I have recognised the signs, as well as googling it and being more convinced.

Well DH has some characteristics too, most obviously inability to judge appropriate conversations (sometimes) ie he will repeat stories/themes ad nauseam, go on and on and on, talk over other people, not listen and talk beyond all normal levels of boredom! There are others, and I always assumed that they were learnt behaviours rather than anything indicating ASD as there are a lot of characteristics that he doesn't have.

But. At the weekend something happened. He was supposed to be watching DS and friend's DS and he let 3yo run off. We were at a festival and next door to children's tent but he had not got up to check where he was. When we got back and asked where he was he just shrugged and said I don't know.

I went mental at him but he just didn't understand why. He went off in a strop for hours and when he came back expected things to be fine, but BF and I still fuming. He still defended himself and basically said that as nothing had happened we were overreacting. He also thought that imagining the worst case scenario is bad luck. He finally apologised to BF but only for upsetting us, he still doesn't get it.

It's so far from normal. I felt like I was going mad trying to explain something that should be completely obvious.

I found this on a site about AS in adults -
Difficulty with social imagination

"We have trouble working out what other people know. We have more difficulty guessing what other people are thinking."

People with Asperger syndrome can be imaginative in the conventional use of the word. For example, many are accomplished writers, artists and musicians. But people with Asperger syndrome can have difficulty with social imagination. This can include:

* imagining alternative outcomes to situations and finding it hard to predict what will happen next
* understanding or interpreting other peoples thoughts, feelings or actions. The subtle messages that are put across by facial expression and body language are often missed
* having a limited range of imaginative activities, which can be pursued rigidly and repetitively eg lining up toys or collecting and organising things related to his or her interest.

Some children with Asperger syndrome may find it difficult to play 'let's pretend' games or prefer subjects rooted in logic and systems, such as mathematics.

What do I do? I don't really care whether he has AS or not, but I need to know how to handle this. I'm scared that he will let something happen to DS since he seems to have no concept of safety. He is totally head in sand about it. Similar when we were away re car seats for DS. When I described what would happen to DS's head if he hit the windscreen he seemed to physically recoil as if he couldn't cope with it.

I don't know how I feel about him. I feel rocked and shaken and do not know where to go from here.

purplepeony Tue 22-Sep-09 13:20:50

is there any adult/Aspergers forum?

LeonieSoSleepy Tue 22-Sep-09 13:27:35

Message withdrawn

notgettinganyyounger Tue 22-Sep-09 13:30:07

I think i am right in saying there is as long thread somewhere on here about people with aspergers dh's. I shall see if i can find it and link.

notgettinganyyounger Tue 22-Sep-09 13:32:22

try here

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 22-Sep-09 13:41:05

I'm definitely agreement with superb twat and am not looking for an axcuse - more an explanation. Will look for other thread, thanks!

tiredoftherain Tue 22-Sep-09 14:26:57

kat, I have often suspected H has AS, and his approach to child safety is similar. He can't understand why I would object to him letting ds climb up high rocks on the beach, or up trees, or run alongside busy roads as "nothing has happened to him so far so my approach must be ok."

It incenses me and I think we've been very lucky that there haven't been accidents. It's also very stressful to constantly be on alert to safety risks.

mrsaspy Tue 22-Sep-09 14:48:23

I wonder if my DH has mild AS. Or if he is just typically male.

He has no problems at work and is in fact a peace maker due to calmness etc. Very stable, good job.

I know quite a bit about Asps. due to my work, but some things with him ring a bell.

If I am uspet- he doesn't comfort me either verbally or physically- he just stands looking lost and not knowing what to do. I have to ask for a cuddle etc.

He has no friends and loves his motor bikes, to the extent of taking them all to bits and putting them back again- whilst thehouse falls down around us.

When the kids play up, he deals with the moment and not the overall situation- eg. if my teenagers criticise my cooking, which one of them did at the weekend- after I had struggled to make a roast feeling foul with man-flu/ heavy cold- he told them that the food was fine, not too much salt etc- rather than saying "You are lucky to get such a nice home cooked meal when your mum is feeling foul and you have done bugger-all to help her."- which is the response I wanted.

He has no imagination re. going anywhere and comes up with the same 3 things every weekend, on a kind of rota system.

He doesn't like spontaneous, but neither is he rigid.

He "collects"- anything from till receipts ( by the carrier bagful- excuse is he needs to sort but never gets round to it), old bills, tools, cameras that he dusts but never uses.

Is he just a guy with odd hobbies etc- or is it more.

I am on the verge of leaving due to his inability to empathise- but is it just "normal"?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 22-Sep-09 15:15:11

What do I do? I'm mortified. My BF is furious and she's a very nice person - she has decided not to tell her DH (he and mine are vague mates) as she knows he would be furious. I'm at a total loss. I never realised he was like that - he has been cavalier over safety but I thought it was down to his cultural background where things are different, but this is astounding. How can a person not know that you have to watch 3 year old children? And that if they disappear you need to find them?

DidEinsteinsMum Tue 22-Sep-09 17:51:54

One thing that i have experienced with my ds is that he has no concept of fear or danger. He has a learnt concept of what is dangerous and knows for example it is dangerous to pick up hot things from the oven. But he had no understanding of it until i gave him something where he could safely experience why. From the experience he has a concept of understanding. But the 2 are completely different.

He knows it is dangerous to run into the road but the consequence in his mind is that mummy turns into a psycho lunatic that yells and shouts. Not that he could get very badly hurt.

Maybe his understanding of danger and risk and harm is along the similiar terms of ds in that he understand that an activity or action is dangerous because it has been broken down and explained to him. Not necessarily because he understands the consequences and understands inferred risk and consequences from other situations.

Maybe this doesnt help at all, maybe it rings a bell. Hope you can find an answer that helps

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 22-Sep-09 18:25:42

Kind of does, yes. He was sorry because he had upset us and made us angry, not because he thought he had done wrong. In his mind it was as simple as child is ok = no problem. If he ever has the opportunity again hmm he will watch the child because he doesn't want to get shouted at, not because he understand why he should. Jesus Christ I'm spinning out.

DidEinsteinsMum Tue 22-Sep-09 19:03:18

Okay just breathe. Its really hard to get your head round because it is a whole new world. Head over to the other thread and try to have a flick from the beginning as it will make everything clear. You are not alone - hence why there is a whole thread to it. Other people's experiences will help you understand your own observations. Plus there are wise ones over there wink

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