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Non-Committal Boyfriend

5 replies

gingersquidge · 21/09/2009 20:52

my boyfriend and i have been together for around 18 months. the first 6 months were pretty casual as we lived in seperate countries, and then i moved over to his country (not v far away!) to see how it would go - tbh mainly because i lost my job in the uk and wasnt really sure what to do next rather than through any great romantic feelings for each other, although we got on well and had a laugh.

so, i moved over. originally the idea was that i would live with him until i got a job and then find a flatshare or something. i got a job after about a month and of course didnt move out - we were both keen to try living together and totally going through the honeymoon stage you always get at the beginning.

so fast forward to now, a year of living together with lots of hard work trying to understand each other and adapt to living together (he's 35 and previously pretty much a confirmed batchelor who doesnt really discuss or delve into his feelings, and i'm 29 and had a couple of longer relationships, and pretty much driven by emotions) and i would now like some idea of where we are going. we still get on well and have a laugh, but i am quite a moody person in that i tend to 'react' to my feelings as i feel them, which i know he struggles with - although he has and does make huge efforts to understand and i would probably say allows me to get away with more than i should.

i'd say on the whole he's included me in his life without too much complaint. We've redecorated his house pretty much as i have wanted, he is generally easy going and happy do accommodate my 'wants'. He's a nice guy and generous too.

but i just have this horrible - where are we going, what are we doing, feelings in me now. there is no sign of the 'next step', it's not even on the horizon. he will say himself he doesnt ever think about getting married or engaged. perhaps i've made it all too easy for him? i dont think he would ever have moved to the uk to be with me, that would be waaaay too big a step for him.

so anyway, i just feel stuck. we have a nice life and i love living with him, but i feel like i am in a relationship with a man who cannot, and may never, be able to take it to the next stage. whenever i ask him what he wants, he just says he doesnt know what he wants. sometimes he can see us staying together forever, and sometimes he cant. i feel trapped by my feelings for him. he's seen the real me, good and bad, and if, after a year he still has no idea AT ALL, well maybe i'm just wasting my time?

and then i wonder if i'm just trying to rush it all and should take a step back and stop thinking about it all. i just feel like it's never going to happen.

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vezzie · 21/09/2009 21:03

What is the next step? what do you want to happen? Decide that, then ask for it. Know before you ask what you will do if he says no.

If he says maybe, work out how and when you will decide he has had long enough to make his mind up.

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Lulubee · 21/09/2009 21:44

What do YOU want? You can't just keep asking him what he wants, he might be frightened of getting it wrong! If you can say to him - 'by this time next year (or in 5 years) I;d like us to be married/have kids/own a caravan and a labrador' then at least you'll be able to gauge by his response whether he's game. And if he's not, well then it's probably time to move on...

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aurynne · 22/09/2009 07:21

Hey ginger,

Judging by the way you describe your own relationship with this man, I would say it sounds pretty good. If the issue of getting engaged or not is such a big one for you, have you thought about setting a "deadline"? Like in: "ok, we've been together 18 months... When we celebrate the two years, we will have a serious talk about where we are going". This way you give him time to think, but also hint that you will want a decision, and that you're not going to be waiting for him forever.

If he is a long-term bachelor he will be struggling with the commitment-phobia. I speak from experience here

Best of luck!

Aurynne

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Morloth · 22/09/2009 12:34

Agree with the others who ask: What do YOU want? He doesn't know what he wants which is fine because he has told you. If he was stringing you along that would be bad.

If you do decide to go the "I need an answer NOW" type route do be prepared for him to run.

But you need to decide where you want to be in 5 years (or whatever) and act accordingly.

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gingersquidge · 22/09/2009 13:12

i know i focus a lot on him and how he is behaving towards me, and i really struggle to identify what is it i want and then deciding upon an acceptable way of achieving this for me.

i find i have very big reactions to things when i dont get the response i want from him, and then spend a lot of time back-tracking to try and smooth things over again. which is crap for us and crap for me, and i end up feeling very confused.

i want to get to a point where i can think and rationalise things more objectively, but just feel like my emotions take over and destroy all that.

its really frustrating, because i feel like i can see what i am doing, see what problems it is causing, but cant work out what to DO to stop this cycle.