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New Man... same old me...

(23 Posts)
Kally Fri 18-Sep-09 11:40:51

A little while ago I posted on here about a boyfriend I have had for the past 2.5 years and how he always lets me down etc etc, and the fact that he is extrememly sweet (unbelievably so) but there are many lingering issues that have not been sorted out (never been to his place, being the main issue). So, not based on that fact alone, but, generally the total discontent and having to wait long gaps before we see each other due to LDR, I broke it off. He calls and we chat and he's very sad about my decision etc, but respects my choice. I do care for him deeply, but have realised it's all become futile.

Last week I went on a date with a man I have been chatting to for a long time (internet)- we exchanged phone nr.s etc and he seemed nice. My issue with him was him living a bit far away for my liking. I wanted someone local so as not to repeat the same pitfalls.

He came here. He was absolutely lovely. We went out roaming around my area, on foot, had a coffee, chatted and we came back for dinner (which he helped me cook) daughter was back from school by then and we were laughing and enjoying his company, and he ours. He liked the cats, he was easy going, he was engaging and interactive and 'totally at ease'.

I suddenly realised how 'lacking my former realtionship was. How, after two years, things had slipped into a good old routine rut, which, altho I accepted, I had fallen into with each visit. I am not comparing here but found myself behaving as if in a mould I'd created (or was used to). And I was brought up short but this new man's reaction to it. So I suddenly felt this 'lift'. and that lift was that I was able here, to be 'myself' with him.

I can't being to tell you how glad I am that I agreed finally to meet up with him. How sometimes when we get into limbo, we should force ourselves OUT and dare to get a fresh person into our lives. (I was reluctant thinking I could work on old partner and change things).

Going back to former partner, (before I had agreed to meet new guy), we decided to have a weekend together and try to straighten things out. He was due to come this weekend but called and repeating ther pattern said he has something or other to finalise and wouldn't be able to make a full weekend visit, but would come Sunday and return Monday afternoon. (Initially I had asked for Sat pm off work to be with him)... then reapeat button pressed here.. I can't get mOnday off, it's my busy day... so all it means is he will be here for a quick legover have a chat, leave me hanging on again another month but still have me waiting in the wings. Now he's not a bad man, but who wouldn't jump at having a little faithful commited woman waiting in the wings, for the 'now and then'.

Meantime, new guy is refreshing. He had a long drive back ahead of him and I offered for him to stay on the sofa and leave in the morning. He was happy with that and we stayed up til late talking/ eating and chatting and started snogging a bit, etc..

I have cats but at night they are restless and kept getting on him grin. I locked them out but they kept meowing outside and scratching the window, where the sofa is.... Yes ok, you guessed it. I offered him the space next to me. In my bed. (Well it was silly really) I have never been so forward but it seemed stupid and we both wanted to carry on being close.

I had one of the best nights in bed. He was warm sensitive, caring, funny... he's a lovely guy and INTERESTED in me as me.

Now expartner, whom I have been stalled by so many times, intends to come this Sunday... I really want to put him off and make a go of it with this new man. He ticked the boxes where there are so many ticks 'unticked' with ex after 2 years.

But I haven't got the heart. I haven't got the balls. I haven't got it in me to lie and fob in off with some excuse. And yet he does it to me all the time. Part of me wants to see him again, but it will only make it more difficult to part from him, where as I have not seen him for 2 months now, just continual calls and keeping me on the back burner. Please... I can see the light and what I need to do. But... someone spell it out for me. sad

Kally Fri 18-Sep-09 11:45:08

Will be back in an hour, have to go out on lunch visits.

aurynne Fri 18-Sep-09 11:49:40

Okay, so you want it spelled out? Here it goes:



And why not,


Now, get the heart, get the balls, and get rid of someone who is obviously not partner material. You may not know if the new man is yet, but you definitely know the "old" one is not.



Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 18-Sep-09 11:59:36

I don't think you need anyone to spell it out - just re-read your post and it's loud and clear what you should do.

Ring the ex and tell him you want to end things. You don't need to fob him off, be straight. Tell him that you want more than he is giving you and that you aren't prepared to hang around for him. No need to mention the new bloke.

cheerfulvicky Fri 18-Sep-09 12:19:52

Just tell him something has come up grin and you can't make he weekend after all, sorry.
Then don't arrange any more weekends with him. Tail off the phone calls gradually. Simple.

There, I spelled it out for you Kally, your new bloke sounds nice. I also think its great when someone comes into your lives and refreshes everything; the outlook, the old habits and patterns just have built up over time. It's really nice to get a fresh perspective on things sometimes, I'm glad you feel that's happened and you two get on well.

But honestly, kick the other one to the kerb! His backpedalling after having committed to spend time with you is pathetic. You not only deserve more than that but you CAN do (and ARE doing) so much better than that!

Nancy66 Fri 18-Sep-09 12:21:17

just tell the ex that it's definitely over, you don't want a reconciliation and, therefore, there's no point in him coming.
Think of all the times he let you down.

I'm not sure you should be having this bloke stay over with your daughter in the house quite so quickly though.

mumblechum Fri 18-Sep-09 12:25:27

I agree with Nancy on both points.

Hope it works out

Comeinnumber49yourtimeisup Fri 18-Sep-09 13:36:50

Kally I remember your other thread and you certainly do have the balls to do the right thing here. I'm clicking watch and I'll be back to check you used them <knows how hard it is emoticon>

Mumfun Fri 18-Sep-09 13:46:05

Agree with Nancy too. Why would you want to see old guy again - much better to leave it at that -he lets you down every time!

Kally Fri 18-Sep-09 14:42:27

Yes, I agree - Nancy and I would never do this normally, but to be honest she didn't know and asked him how he managed with the cats in the night hmm so as far as she was concerned he slept on the sofa. Also, she knows and trusts my judgement on such things.

The reason I don't have the balls, and I know now after having just spoken to the 2 year man, is that he is so unaware. He chats to me about his work, and I know that recently he has had a hard time (and I feel like another thing that has just gone wrong for him due to circumstances beyond his control) but on the other hand it is/and was always, within his control. But because I am a foolish accomodating type, not kicked up enough fuss, not confronted him when I should have, or 'just been glad to see him' when he DOES get here, I never really voiced myself. But he should be aware of that right? I have got in a huff with him about the 'lack of' but he has always said to me to be patient and we'll pull through... And now - meeting this new guy - and actually going and getting intimate with him... I feel well... like I have cheated when all along (and we have put ourselves on 'hold') he has been the one to orchestrate it so that I am left starving for him, while he gets on quietly with his life (however hard it's been for him). I feel as if I have done something wrong. He has just told me he will definately be down on Sunday and can't wait to see me and it's been such a long time etc etc... oh Gawd...

Kally Fri 18-Sep-09 15:07:15

And yet inner me says 'see... there are normal relationships to be had'. What do I do? See how it goes? See whether former BF has any magic remedy? Be upfront with him and say 'due to circumstances beyound our control, I have made a new friend that I see now and then, like I see you?'??
New guy is NEW guy... still early phase and very new... maybe he has previous girlfriend waiting or past partner that he's not shot of yet... How would I know. Why I am setting these hard fast rules for myself?

Nancy66 Fri 18-Sep-09 15:16:57

Treat old man and new one as two completely separate issues.

You ended things with the old bf because he constantly let you down and it was going nowhere - nothing to do with this new fella.

You have no way of knowing how things will pan out with the new guy, you've had one date.

The old bf lives miles from you and was consistently hopeless over a two and a half year period. he isn't going to get any better. You said it yourself, he kept you on back burner. Now you've taken that away he's feeling a bit put out.

You've been brave enough to end it now be brave enough to say you don't want to see him Sunday. He's your ex, you don't have to see him - it's your choice. You don't have to tell him about the new bloke. You don't have to give him any reason at all....just tell him that you are cancelling Sunday.

wheniwishuponastar Fri 18-Sep-09 15:26:42

just tell him its definitely off. that's it.

Kally Fri 18-Sep-09 15:29:52

friend just said 'keep both of them on the low till you know where your feelings are and for whom' she said 'after all they are both far away, not like they are popping in and out'... thing is I have never done anything like that before. She said grin in a northern accent after all you can eat crumpets when you haven't got any bread', made me howl with laughter. Do I think of myself here? A bit of this and a bit of that? I've never done that before - although I know people do do it.

Previous BF (who I didn't dump but we decided to hold things for a while) is is also very lovely, but unable to keep his visits that we plan for (no he's not married). He seems continually to always be coming up against stuff that affects us meeting up as planned, a bit 'not in control' juggling everything, has a little boy, works weird hours, goes on training with new profession etc. It's always taken off my account with him. And it got to the point where I felt I was becoming a nagging person. (And I am not that type)...

Someone might come on here and say 'hey! I had similar experience and did such and such'

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 18-Sep-09 15:35:53

Message withdrawn

mumsiebumsie Fri 18-Sep-09 15:39:54

Don't play the two men at the same time - WRONG WRONG WRONG. Sorry but don't see why this is complicated. Previous BF has illustrated he's useless over 2.5 years. Now you've met someone new. So dump the old boyfriend. If it's that you still have strong feelings for him then IMO you should deal with those before beginning a new relationship.

purplepeony Fri 18-Sep-09 15:44:34

Kally- I know you from ages back but I did name change a while ago- but have always followed/replied to your posts.

I have always wondered- and asked- if Man 1 was married- the lack of being able to commit, the never being to his place, the last minute changes to plans, the odd job situation, his parents etc etc - all that to me rings bells saying he might have someone else around. Maybe he hasn't- but he is still Mr Unreliable.

I think all you need to say to him- if you are sure it's over- is that things have changed for you, and you need to draw a line under it now. No need to say why.

I think it's great that you have anew man, but take it slowly- mostguys are going toshow theri best sides at first, but don't be too trusting too soon.

You sound a lovely woman Kally, but maybe you do err on the side of being too trusting, and too selfless- I think you need to develop a tougher and more cyncial side.

AnAuntieNotAMum Fri 18-Sep-09 15:46:27

If you're still carrying a torch for the old guy, I would insist on going to visit him and seeing where/how he lives, however inconvenient it is, it's just too strange that you never saw his place in 2.5 years. Inviting him around to yours will do nothing to change the pattern.

purplepeony Fri 18-Sep-09 15:49:41

Agree- Kally we almost came to blows- joking- over this a long time back- you cannot really know a guy if you have never been to his home- I know the story- no money, hard to get to,always some excuses-like he's embarrassed by how small it is etc etc- but really- 2.5 years? Open your eyes- either he is hiding something,or he is just plain odd.

You deserve better. Two years is a loooooooooong time. he won't change now- only you can change things.

cheerfulvicky Fri 18-Sep-09 16:29:01

You know Kally, there is another option. A bit mean but... you could use the time when your ex is visiting to break it to him that you have no future together. You can give him all your reasons face to face, and talk about them together. Get it into his head that he can't be in a relationship with you, because there are certain things missing: reliability, trust, transparency, commitment, priorities, I could go on and on. If you think he's unaware, well tell him then. Spell it out if you have to. If you do it in person maybe he'll believe you.

I know us MNers sound like a stuck record over this one, but I can't believe you dated for 2.5 years and never went to his home. That is not normal!

Come on love, you know what you need to do - in person or via phone. You need to tell him.

purplepeony Fri 18-Sep-09 16:34:30

CV- when ever I read your posts I think you sound like a very mature older woman- I cannot believe you are 25?!!!

Anyway- agree with your post to Kally.

Kally Fri 18-Sep-09 17:55:12

Yes, it seems that is really what I want to do. I want to have that 'last talk' with him. Actually spell it out. No doubt. I am not very good at squaring up and altho I have done all this before and we have talked about the 'lack' he still hangs in there...ugh. 10 out of 10 for that goes to him.

Don't get all panicy about me having let the new guy stay over, it's not like I dragged him off the street and stuff. This has all been openly talked about with daughter and she has been aware of him in the background. Has been interested in meeting him, just as I was. I know she doesn't know he slept in my bed. We were both careful of that. That I was sure of, really.

Kally Fri 18-Sep-09 19:28:03

And to be honest honest honest? I think old guy is a bit 'strange' (in a nice sort of way) and is a bit asbergery hmm just some of the posts on here about that subject has made me think... and think.... He works with Asberger people and I often wonder 'how' he does, but then someone who has managed to 'learn to sort of act normal and only at the light end of the scale' could possibly be very helpful towards people like this. Obviously I have seen things and thought hmm about his behaviour and have, over the 2.5 years learned to just accept that this is Mr. Him and his ways. THAT doesn't bother me because there are lots of lovely things about him, its just his bad time keeping and his let downs and the fact that this is a one sided relationship. Very. But I have put up with it acceptingly, thinking all along, well, time will come... But perhaps I should finally have it out with him and either cut him off romantically, keep him as a light friend and just move on. But I feel as if there is unfinished business. But then I think, what do I care? I go up and down with it, and to be honest it took me quite a long time to get to this frame of mind where I would actually meet someone else, this has been going on for ages, this uncertainty with him and the disatisfaction, but NOTHING has changed. Even that we came to the point where I finished it with him, he still kept calling me and talking, texting, not in a stalkerish way, but gently and with patience. Like everything else he does.

Now you're probably saying 'well shut up and get on with it' and I wish I had the heart to. But I find it so hard as I really cared for him, adored him, that didn't diminish. but common sense says: time out.

New guy is lovely, yes, but they all are to begin with aren't they. Then their weirdy things start coming out be it fettishes, jealousy, asbergers... and you're left with what? Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

I am ashamed to sayI am looking forward to seeing Old Guy on Sunday and yet still floating about new guy... me thinks play the whole thing by ear for a while and be beholden to none.

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